How to deal with having a gay parent

What might help?

The topic of helping children come to terms with having a gay father is a neglected one. However, one study investigated just this. They interviewed 36 children in order to examine their responses to finding out that their father was gay.

How did they find out that they had a gay father?

The study showed that children found out about their dad’s sexual orientation in a number of different ways. Some children described that they had a general realization over time about their dad’s sexual orientation. Others shared that they weren’t surprised by the news, and some shared that they only realized that their dad was gay when they started to think about their own sexuality. Although each child’s experience was different, six strategies seemed to help them come to terms with the news.

1. Getting to know my dad again

Some children shared that they felt as though they had to get to know their dad again, and this time it involved getting to know him as a gay man. Reforming their relationship with their dad helped minimize their fears about what this new information meant for them. It also helped minimize fears about potential changes to their relationship with their father.

This means that helping your child to get to know your integrated self may help them reform their perception of you. Helping them to get to know aspects about your gay self will help create a sense of continuity in your relationship with them. Sharing aspects about your gay identity may also help them integrate this new information into their understanding of who you are.

Reassuring them of the importance of your parent-child relationship will help them while they adjust to this new information. Spending time with them and helping them to get to “re-know” you may be useful.

2. Talking it through with someone else

The children in this study also shared that talking through the situation with someone else occasionally helped. This might involve talking it through with someone outside of the family unit, such as a counselor or a family friend, or it might involve talking to their mother.

Talking it through can help your child understand the whole story. Talking it through may help your child build a healthy narrative of how their father came to be gay. It may also provide them with the opportunity to ask questions and understand anything that might be troubling them.

3. Preparing your child for the coming out

Preparing your child in some way for the coming out news may help lessen their feelings of shock and disbelief when they first find out that their father is gay. Preparing them may involve using implicit and sometimes nonverbal clues over a period of time before the conversation. Also, reassuring them in the lead-up to the conversation may help. For example, it may be useful to reassure them that no matter what changes in their life you will always love them and you will always be there for them.

4. Handle the discussion well

Letting your child know that you are gay may feel like one of the most difficult things that you will ever do. The fear of what you might lose by coming out can be paralyzing for some. However, many gay fathers who have children from a heterosexual relationship feel a sense of relief after they disclose their sexual orientation to their child. Also, with time, many children come to accept their father’s sexual orientation and all that having a gay father brings.

You know your child best and most dads are well-equipped to work out how their child may handle and process this news. Take time to work out the best way to share this information with your child. This will help you handle the situation well.

It might be useful to find somewhere safe and relatively private for the discussion, and allow time for lots of discussion. Be prepared to answer questions. It may initially feel difficult for you to discuss this with your child but remember that coming out is a process and not an event. It might be that your child will find it too difficult to discuss this with you initially. They may need some time by themselves before they feel able to discuss this news with you or anyone else.

5. Explain that it’s not a choice

Some children may think that you have a choice about being gay and that you can choose to have a gay lifestyle or choose not to have this type of lifestyle. This belief may mean that some children may feel like you are choosing the gay lifestyle over being their father and that you are prioritizing this over being part of their family. Help your child understand that it’s not as simple as choosing to be gay. This may help them understand your need to share this important information with them. It might also help them understand why you are choosing to be honest about your sexual orientation, and why you may need to make some changes.

6. Adjusting to their new identity

Your child may also need time to work through any homophobia that they may have absorbed from society. They may also need to express feelings of loss and grief as they mourn the loss of their childhood family and any idealized image of their father or parents. This means that initially they may make statements that might be hard to for you to hear. They may make statements that are hurtful and prejudiced. Remember that they will most probably need time to adjust to your new identity.

However, this will not be the case for every child. Some children will incorporate this new information into their stride and many may have already worked out for themselves that they have a gay father. Others will have noticed that something was troubling their dad and they may even be concerned about the impact of this situation on you, their siblings and or their mother.

Just like most gay parents, many children will need time to work through their, sometimes, irrational and negative thoughts about homosexuality and they will need time to adjust to their new identity. Remember just like coming out is a process and not an event for the parent, coming to terms with having a gay father is also a process for the children involved.

References

Tasker F. Barrett H. De Simone F. ‘Coming Out Tales’: Adult Sons and Daughters’ Feelings About Their Gay Father’s Sexual Identity. The Australian and New Zealand Journal of Family Therapy 2010;31(4):326-337.

As a parent, finding out that your child is being bullied at school can be infuriating. How to deal with child being bullied at school?

Sadly, bullying in schools is a national epidemic. A report by the National Center for Education Statistics indicates that one in every five elementary school students in the US were bullied in 2016. An even more alarming statistic is that only 36% of kids reported this bullying to a parent, teacher or another adult.

While some people argue that ‘ kids will be kids ,’ bullying can have far reaching consequences on your child’s physical and emotional health. Children who experience bullying are at risk for psychological problems including low self-esteem, depression and eating disorders. At its worst, bullying can result in suicide among teens and pre-teens. In this article, we look at tips on how to deal with bullying at school as a parent.

Look for Signs of Bullying

Many children fail to report bullying because they believe it is tattling or that the behavior will escalate when the bully is reprimanded or punished. As a parent/guardian, you have to look out for warning signs. Changes in your child’s behavior such as low appetite, faking illness to avoid school, poor performance at school or increased anxiety can indicate a problem at school. Unexplained injuries, torn clothing, missing personal belongings should also be a cause for concern especially if it is happening regularly.

Talk Openly with Your Child

Develop open lines of communication with your child. This way, they can freely communicate with you about any issue and are likely to report bullying. Staying calm during such a conversation is important to allow the child to open up more. Applaud them for their honesty and reassure them that you will do something about their problem. Feeling supported helps children deal with negative emotional experiences better.

Contact the School

Despite most schools professing serious policies against bullying, few teachers and administrators will take action without a formal complaint from the parent. To keep the dialogue with the school objective, it is a good idea to document it in writing. Emails may come in handy if the situation escalates and legal action is required. Start with your child’s teacher. If no conclusive action is taken to stop the bullying, you should contact the school’s administrator and possibly the bully’s parents. Pursue the issue persistently and calmly until action is taken to protect your child from the bully.

Bully Proof Your Child

Providing your child with skills to deal or to avoid being targeted by bullies is a proactive way to keep them safe in school. Some of the ways your child can stop a bully include:

• Being Assertive: Teach your child to make eye contact with the bully and address them by their name. Tell them to remain calm and confidently stand up for themselves. Bullies usually target kids who are overly emotional as they feed off this fear, anger, and other negative feelings.
• Reporting the Bully: Teach children to report bullying incidents as a self-defense tool. Telling a teacher or adult about the bully is the best way to show that they are not intimidated by their behavior.
• Avoiding confrontation: While fighting back is a noble idea, your child can avoid potential harm from the bully by walking away from confrontations. Ignoring teasing or insulting denies the bully the attention they are often seeking and makes your child an unfulfilling target.
• Having a Buddy System: Bullies rarely target kids who hang out with other kids. Encourage your kid to always be in the company of their friends in the school hallways, at lunch break or on the school bus. If your child is a loner, talk to the teacher about finding them a support system of ‘buddies’ that help keep each other safe from bullying.

Build Your Child’s Resilience

Kids who grow up in a safe, supportive home environment show resilience when dealing with negative experiences. Additionally, confident kids are less likely to be targeted by bullies. If they are targeted, they are better equipped to cope with the situation. Raising your child to have a positive outlook on life can help them get past the trauma that bullying causes. Having enjoyable hobbies and activities to fill up their time also builds your child’s self-esteem.

Provide Counseling

Children, and especially teenagers may not be comfortable discussing their bullying experiences with you. You should still encourage them to talk to another adult besides yourself, family or teachers. A guidance counselor in school could be of help in this situation. Another alternative could be a counseling or kids helpline . Such services provide a safe avenue for kids to report and cope with bullying without the fear of judgment or victimization.

Practice what you Preach

Children learn by copying adult behavior. Modeling what respectful, positive and assertive behavior looks like helps them adopt these habits. Avoid self-criticism, anger outbursts, a victim mentality, and other such harmful habits. Teach your child strong communication skills to help them speak up against bullying.

Perhaps the best bullying advice for parents is bully proofing your child. Providing a supportive environment and encouraging them to talk to a counseling or kids helpline also help cope with bullying and other issues your child is facing.

Author BIO

Emily Lapm is stay-at-home mom with a petite 2-year-old girl. She is also a freelance writer. Emily is a contributor of lifestyle magazine handle with food, craft, and travel section. She likes to enjoy cooking for her kid at home by creating new ideas.

Unfortunately a lot of teens have homophobic parents. And having a parent who is anti-gay can be really tough. It can also be depressing and isolating. But just because you have parents who discriminate doesn’t mean you will feel isolated forever!

Teens’ Experiences

This is an issue that has come up regularly on GLBT community forums. One teen writes about how he felt after his dad’s latest homophobic rant:

Last night at dinner i felt like a got hit by a truck. my mom knows im gay but my dad doesnt and now im never telling him. we already had a bad relationship and now its like i never want to talk to him again. i really wanted to deck this person who im supposed to love and be accepted by. but this one took the cake i didnt know what to say without coming out so i said nothing. i just walked out of the room and went in my room then took a shower while crying cause i was so angry and sad and hurt. then i went to bed. i really cant wait to leave my house like as soon as im done school im out.

Another teen writes about comments he hears from his family:

every time that a gay person like shows up on TV or something my parents will be like what f*gs and they will got to hell and really homophobic crap like that.

What to Do in This Situation

The first thing you need to do it to keep in mind is that no matter how much you are hurting, your safety comes first. Sometimes it can be tempting to come out in the middle of a parent’s rant. But if you think that could be dangerous you might want to hold off.

Sometimes talking to a friend, getting online and posting like these teens did, or contacting an organization that supports GLBT teens is a good option.

Should I Come Out?

Though coming out can be an amazing experience, it is important to think about your reasons for coming out before taking the plunge.

Coming out at any age can be challenging, but because teens tend to live with their families, there are a few unique issues young people need to think about. Ask yourself:

• Will coming out jeopardize my situation at home?
• Is it safe, physically and emotionally, for me to come out to my parents?
• Do I have resources available (both emotional and financial) if coming out changes my situation at home?

Schooling Your Folks

When a parent makes homophobic remarks it can feel like a knife through your heart. But while many parents are bigoted, a lot simply aren’t educated about what it really means to be gay. Sometimes even if a parent makes a nasty remark, he or she would be open to learning more about being GLBT.

An organization like the Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays is a great place to send family members with questions and concerns. They have a lot of experience dealing with these types of issues.

Finding Outside Support

Being GLBT can present challenges at any age. But being a teen and living with homophobic parents is just about one of the most challenging things around.

Having a homophobic parent can make you feel really alone. So if you are in that situation, please try to find a supportive adult who you can talk to!

Young adults from broken homes in which a parent had had a same-sex relationship reported modestly more psychological and social problems in their current lives than peers from other families that had experienced divorce and other disruptions, a new study has found, stirring bitter debate among partisans on gay marriage.

The study counted parents as gay or lesbian by asking participants whether their parents had ever had a same-sex relationship; the parents may not have identified themselves as gay or lesbian. Gay-rights groups attacked the study, financed by conservative foundations, as biased and poorly done even before its publication on Sunday in the journal Social Science Research.

But outside experts, by and large, said the research was rigorous, providing some of the best data yet comparing outcomes for adult children with a gay parent with those with heterosexual parents. But they also said the findings were not particularly relevant to the current debate over gay marriage or gay parenting.

About half the study participants with a gay parent, as defined in the study, were born out of wedlock and half into a traditional family that broke up. Many lived with the gay parent sporadically.

Paul Amato, a sociologist at Penn State who was not involved in the study and has written in favor of same-sex marriage, said that many scholars suspected that some children with a gay parent might have more troubles than the average child, particularly in past decades when the stigma was greater. “We know, for instance, that many people with a gay parent were essentially raised in a stepfamily, and went through a divorce, both of which are associated with modest but real disadvantages,” he said.

Others said the study was limited in its usefulness. “What we really need in this field is for strong skeptics to study gay, stable parents and compare them directly to a similar group of heterosexual, stable parents,” said Judith Stacey, a sociologist at New York University.

The study looked a nationally representative sample of 2,988 people ages 18 to 39. The study’s author, Mark Regnerus, a sociologist at the University of Texas in Austin, said he sought financing from the Witherspoon Institute in Princeton, N.J., and the Bradley Foundation in Milwaukee because government agencies “don’t want to touch this stuff.”

The participants answered questions about their current social, occupational and economic experiences and their early life. They included 163 whose mother had a same-sex relationship and 73 whose father did. Just three of those who had lesbian mothers lived out their entire childhood with that parent, Dr. Regnerus said; none of those whose fathers had had a same-sex relationship lived full time with their fathers through childhood.

The study controlled for factors like parent education, income, the perceived level of tolerance for gays in each person’s community and whether the child was bullied as a result of the parent’s sexual orientation.

Participants who grew up in intact, traditional families reported the lowest average level of problems in their current life, like drug use, unemployment or depressive moods, the study found. Participants who grew up in nontraditional arrangements — with a single, heterosexual parent, in a stepfamily or in a family with a late divorce, for instance — reported higher levels of such problems as adults.

Those who said they had a parent who had had a same-sex relationship fared somewhat worse than those in other nontraditional families. For instance, 38 percent of those who had a lesbian mother said they were currently on public assistance, compared with 31 percent of those whose parents divorced late and 10 percent of those who grew up in a traditional family.

Compared with the traditional group, those with a gay parent reported less education on average and more sexual partners; the same was true of those who grew up in other nontraditional households, to a slightly lesser extent.

Dr. Regnerus said that the study did not include the number, or variety, of people with a gay parent that he would have liked. “This whole narrative of a gay couple raising a kid together, staying together — that kind of thing didn’t exist much,” when the participants were children, he said.

“When I look at his data, my main take-away is that divorce and family transition is not a great outcome for kids,” said Gary Gates, a demographer at the at the University of California, Los Angeles, who was not involved in the study.

It’s difficult to deal with homophobic strangers, but it can be even more difficult dealing with relatives who reject homosexuality. These “loved ones” should love you no matter what and not judge you based on your sexual preferences. Even though that’s the way it should be, it’s not always the way it is. Since you can’t change the way people feel, the only thing you can do is change the way you feel and the way you react in response to what they do by learning how to understand your relatives’ homophobia and what to do to make family relations much more bearable.

Tips for Dealing with Homophobic Families

Whether you are gay, straight, or bisexual, you may find homophobia in your family to be confronting. Consider these ideas for responding to and dealing with family members who do not understand sexuality beyond traditional male/female couples.

Tips for Everyone

Almost everyone has at least one relative, immediate or distant, who has some form of prejudice, whether it comes in the form of racism, sexism or homophobia. When your family doesn’t share your beliefs, it can be frustrating and complicated. Listening to people you love say things that make you angry can be hard. However, you don’t have to sit silently when a relative says offensive things.

• Remain calm and patient, even in the face of hurtful insults and name-calling.
• Remind yourself that homophobia is typically based on lack of knowledge on the topic, and that your relatives are only repeating stereotypes and opinions they have been exposed to in their environment. This is especially true if you were raised in a conservative or religious family.
• Educate yourself on why someone may be homophobic. For example, some people have never knowingly had a friendship with a gay person and simply do not understand homosexuality, while others may be secretly ashamed of their own homosexual desires. In families where one or more person is homosexual, sibling rivalry may play a role.
• Be realistic and realize that homophobia will not disappear overnight, or in one conversation.
• Use logic, statistics and facts when defending gay rights. For example, if you believe that same-sex marriage should be legal, visit pro-gay marriage websites that have information about the issue, such as Why Marriage Matters or Marriage Equality USA.
• Join an online group that supports gay rights and offers friendly support and advice for people who are dealing with homophobic families. Some examples include GLAAD (Gay and Lesbians Alliance Against Defamation) and The Trevor Project.
• Check out a support website with your family such as PFLAG (Parents, Families & Friends of Lesbians and Gays) for information and ways to understand each other.

Tips for Gays, Lesbians and Bisexuals

If you are gay, lesbian or bisexual and your family members have trouble with your sexual orientation, or even flat out reject you, there are many ways to deal with the conflict. You don’t have to put up with any kind of abuse.

• Remind yourself that you are not alone, and that the problem is with the homophobic family member, not you. It is not your fault that your relative doesn’t understand you.
• Remain hopeful that the homophobic attitude will change after your relative has had time to get used to the out-of-the-closet you. Some family members really aren’t homophobic deep down, they just don’t know what to say or how to say it, and comments may come out awkwardly.
• Stand up for yourself and be honest. If someone says something offensive, correct him politely with a joke. For example, some people really believe that all gay men love to decorate or are cross-dressers. Help these individuals learn that stereotypes aren’t always accurate.
• Turn down family-event invitations, such as holidays or weddings, if your partner is not invited. If a family member introduces your girlfriend as “a friend,” correct him and say, “You mean my partner (or girlfriend).”
• Spend time with loving, open-minded family members during holidays or celebrations. For example, you, your brother and your cousin can start a new Thanksgiving tradition this year if you’re not welcomed at the extended-family event. You may even have a better time than usual, as you can try new recipes, splurge on more expensive wine, and have a pleasant, drama-free family holiday.

Dealing With Rejection and Abuse

Unfortunately, some people are in homophobic families that will never change. In fact, some of these family members physically or emotionally abuse their gay relatives. Many parents even kick out their teenage son or daughter for simply coming out. In addition to following general advice for dealing with difficult family members, take these additional steps:

• Seek counseling to deal with the pain associated with not receiving unconditional love from your family.
• Ask extended relatives if you can stay with them if you get kicked out of your own home.
• Report any type of physical abuse to local law enforcement authorities. There are hate crime laws in place for this purpose.
• According to the Ali Forney Center, 25% of teens are rejected by their families and many of them end up homeless because of it. The Ali Forney Center has set up an enviornment for the LGBT (lesbian, gay, bisexual and transexual) homeless community to give them support and safety. You can learn more about it in this short video:

Moving Past Homophobia

Living with or being related to homophobic family members can be a challenging situation. Your home is supposed to be a refuge from the hostile, outside world, and it is painful when you realize that family members are so different than you. Whether they reject you or learn to accept the real you, remember that the most important thing is that you live your life freely and that you stay true to yourself.

5 Ways Families Can Cope with a Family Member Having Dementia

Dementia is indeed a disease that can cause extreme frustration and grief to a family. However, that doesn’t need to be the case because all you need to do is to handle the situation properly. It’s all about managing things right where you’re able to not only improve their overall wellbeing but yours as well.

On your journey through supporting a family member with dementia, you will be given a lot of advice and you will read many different takes on exactly how you should support them. But in this time of adjustment, you need to take a common sense approach and deal with things the best way you can.

The following tips will help you to cope with the stress and anxiety that dementia can bring to your family, and make things a tiny bit easier.

FirstCare Expert Jane Byrne knows a little about dementia. She says that, “if you notice someone, particularly if they are over the age of 65, forgetting things, or finding it easier to remember things that have long since passed, then it is perhaps time to go to the doctors. If dementia is caught earlier, then this will give you many more options for treatment.”

Give time for grieving

Dementia is a progressive disease, which means that it gets worse through time and has no cure. Don’t settle for false hopes. Accept the situation and don’t be in a state of denial. Acknowledge the fact that sooner or later, your family member is going to forget you, and all you have left is the memories you had together. Cherish the moment you have with them because after all, you still have them.

Remember your relationship with each other

The family member who has dementia can be your parents, spouse, or grandparents. Whichever the case is, they had been a huge part of your life. They made you who you are today, and that’s what you need to remember. Having this in your mind gives you a feeling of gratitude instead of loss.

According to the World Health Organization, there are over 50 million people living with dementia. It is the leading cause of a loss of independence in seniors and one of the hardest diseases to accept.

So what do you do when your aging parent refuses to admit there is a problem?

Dealing With a Parent Who Denies Dementia Symptoms

Is Dad or Mom having difficulty remembering appointments or names? Or getting lost coming home from the grocery store? You may notice it is becoming more difficult to have a conversation as your parent becomes confused and can’t find the words to finish a sentence.

The signs of dementia are obvious to you, but when you mention the possibility to your parent, they deny the dementia symptoms and refuse to get help. What can you do?

It’s important to understand the two main reasons why a parent would deny dementia symptoms:

Anosognosia

Anosognosia is simply a word that means a lack of awareness that you have an impairment. This can be part of the brain damage that occurs with dementia.

As the brain changes physically, the part of the brain that would be able to understand that there is a problem is damaged.

If your parent has anosognosia they can’t understand the presence of dementia. That is just what it is. You will not be able to convince your parent of the dementia symptoms that you see.

Many people have an extreme fear of being diagnosed with dementia. Can you imagine anything scarier than being told that you will progressively decline and lose your ability to remember those around you? That you will lose control of every part of your life?

Sidnee Peck, from the Smart Brain Aging website, states that admitting that you have dementia makes it real.

This fear can be a psychological coping mechanism. If your parent does not acknowledge that there is a problem, they may feel that the problem does not have to be dealt with.

How You Can Handle Dementia Denial

Your parent does not have to accept that they have dementia for you to help them. Getting a diagnosis of dementia is more important for you as a caregiver to be able to best help your parent.

Alzheimer’s Disease International states that getting an early diagnosis of dementia will:

• Allow you to have the time to take advantage of therapies that may enhance their quality of life and slow the progression of the disease
• Give both you and your parent time to make decisions about financial and legal issues
• Prepare for the changes that will come as the disease progresses

Use the following steps to help guide you and your parent through a diagnosis of dementia:

1. Collect detailed information. Educate yourself on what the symptoms of dementia are and then make a list of the signs and symptoms that you have noticed. Make note especially of any changes that you have seen over the last year or two. The Alzheimer’s Association recommends listing when the symptoms began and how frequently they occur. Ask your parent if you can accompany them to their next doctor’s appointment and let them know you want to talk to the doctor about what is normal aging.
2. Encourage your parent to keep track of changes in their communication, daily functions and memories. Let your parent know that there are often other causes for changes in memory and that seeing the doctor can allow you to rule out treatable conditions.
3. If your parent can accept the diagnosis or is aware of the dementia symptoms, be honest and supportive. Many people in the early stages of dementia continue to live a happy and fulfilling life for years with proper support.
4. Start small. Your first steps will be to educate yourself on the signs of dementia, to keep track of changes that you notice and to have your parent see a doctor.
5. Tell your parent that you are on their team and that you want what is best for them. Be aware of what the typical tests and questions that your doctor will offer.

Ways to Offer Help

Even after seeing a doctor and receiving a diagnosis of dementia your parent may still refuse to acknowledge that there is a problem.

Your job is not to convince your parent of the problem but to focus on what you need to do to keep your parent healthy and safe.

The Alzheimer’s Association has a tool called the “Alzheimer’s Navigator” that helps you to set up a personalized action plan and connect you with local resources.

You can also call the 24-hour Alzheimer’s helpline to speak with a Care Consultant. A trained counselor or geriatric care manager can help you address safety concerns like driving.

You can’t force your parent to accept the symptoms of dementia that you see. Part of dementia is often an inability to remember or recognize the problem. Realizing this can help you to feel more compassion and less frustration with your parent.

What you can do is educate yourself on dementia symptoms, take your parent to see the doctor and plan for what you will do to help keep your parent safe.

What strategies have you used to deal with a parent who denies dementia symptoms? What has worked and what didn’t work? We’d like to hear your suggestions in the comments below.

Becoming a Parent Through Surrogacy

Gay men face more challenges in becoming parents than any other group, both biological and financial. The good news is that there are ways to overcome many of these barriers.

Gary Gates, a demographic expert with the UCLA School of Law’s Williams Institute, estimates that there are 40,000 gay male couples in the U.S. who are raising children, biological or adopted. Here are some basics to help gay men understand how they can have a biological child through surrogacy.

Surrogates and Donor Eggs

In order to have a biological child, a gay man needs a female surrogate who will carry the baby. In traditional surrogacy, the surrogate is inseminated with the man’s sperm and is the biological mother of the child. In gestational surrogacy, donor eggs from another female are fertilized with the man’s sperm in the embryology lab. The resulting embryos are then transferred to the surrogate’s uterus. This process is called in vitro fertilization, or IVF, treatment. If one or more embryos implant, she will become pregnant and will carry the baby to term. Both the egg donor and the gestational surrogate have to be prepared with fertility drugs for treatment. The gestational surrogate is not biologically related to the child she carries.

Laws about surrogacy vary greatly from state to state. Surrogacy is not allowed in some states, so you would have to go out of state to find a surrogate if you live in one of those. Some states mandate that the egg donor and the surrogate must be different women. Many fertility centers have relationships with egg donors and surrogacy agencies.

It’s important to consult an attorney who is experienced in reproductive law to find out about this and about the legal definition of “parent” in your state. Does the surrogate have any rights in the child? Is your partner legally a parent if you are married, but he is not biologically related to the child? Do you need to have legal agreements with the surrogate and the egg donor? It’s good to sort out these issues before you pursue being a biological parent. RESOLVE, the National Infertility Association, has a number of resources on surrogacy and the legal issues involved, which are available on their website.

The Male Side of Things

Any man who plans to participate in insemination or IVF has to undergo FDA-mandated screening in an andrology laboratory to make sure his sperm are healthy and that he isn’t infected with any STDs. The sperm test will also help determine the quality and quantity of his sperm and whether additional procedures like intracellular sperm injection (ICSI) will be needed to fertilize the egg.

What if both of you want to contribute to your children’s genes? Some labs will allow each of you to provide sperm and will use your sperm to fertilize separate batches of eggs from the donor. That way, if twins are born, they will be biological half-siblings. In this scenario DNA testing may be necessary to determine which partner is the biological parent if a single child is born. Or a gay couple may decide to have their first child with one partner’s sperm, and use the same egg donor and the other partner’s sperm for a second child at a later time.

Treatment Costs

The costs of having a child with a surrogate include the surrogate’s fee, the cost of fertility drugs and IVF treatment for the surrogate, the donor’s compensation, fertility drugs and treatment. This may run to $100,000 or more. The cost of medical care for the surrogate through pregnancy and delivery may not be covered by insurance. That’s another area to investigate as you make your plans. Despite these expenses, growing numbers of gay men are investing to have a biological child.

Some people find surrogates in another country through medical tourism in an attempt to lower the cost. There are many dangers to this, including legal issues with surrogacy in some countries and with the quality of medical care. India, which was a major hub for surrogacy, recently banned commercial surrogacy (paying a woman to bear your child) for foreign visitors, on the grounds that the practice exploited poor, illiterate women. If you are considering medical tourism for surrogacy, do your homework carefully. If something looks too good to be true, it probably is.

9 Answers

I agree with the Ladies and Gentlemen above. Pflag.org is a very good resource for parents who have just discovered their child is gay. They can help you.

Please allow me to tell you what my Mother said when I told her (my sister had outted me several days prior)

Mama said to me “I love you. You’re my child and nothing is ever going to change that.”

Please say that to your child. Please. That’s probably all she needs to hear.

why do you have to deal (and i’m not trying to be funny)? what about her being gay effects your life? are you christian’s or something and feel it’s emoral ?

she is still th edaughter you raised. the fact that she is in love with women does not change that. she still loves you. the only peole that have changed are you and the only reason you have changed is because you found out a secret that your daughter has felt the need (for good reason) to keep from you. the only difference is that you know. it has nothing to do with you. maybe if you could elaberate a little on what your not comfortable with it would make helpping you and your daughter easier.

Try the following link out. It helps parents deal with LGBT sons and daughters.

Understanding bipolar disorder

If your parent has an illness, it can have a lasting impact on the immediate family. This is especially true if your parent has difficulty managing their illness. Depending on the illness’ severity, it may affect the level of care that your parent can provide. It may become necessary for someone else to step in.

It’s crucial that you and your parent receive support during this time. Children may have questions about what their parent is going through, and it’s important to keep the line of communication open.

Bipolar disorder is an mental illness that affects how a person thinks and acts. It typically involves episodes of extreme shifts in mood.

Emotional highs are typically periods of pure elation and excitement that last at least seven days. Emotional lows may bring feelings of hopelessness, or a loss of interest in activities you typically enjoy. These shifts can happen at any time and last at least two weeks.

Researchers aren’t sure what causes bipolar disorder. But there are several recognized factors, including:

• physical differences of the brain
• chemical imbalances in the brain
• genetics

Scientists do know that bipolar disorder runs in families. If your parent or a sibling has bipolar disorder, your risk of developing the disorder increases. This doesn’t mean that you’ll automatically develop the disorder if one of your parents has it, though. Most children who have a family history of bipolar disorder won’t develop the illness.

If your parent isn’t managing their illness well, you may experience an unstable or chaotic home life. This can have damaging effects on your ability to cope with issues inside the home, at school, and at work.

Children or other family members may:

• have difficulty with relationships outside of the family
• have excessive responsibility starting at a young age
• have financial stress
• have health problems related to emotional distress
• have extreme levels of stress or anxiety

It’s also typical for children of parents with an illness to wonder if they’ll get that illness, or if they’ll be responsible for caring for family members for their entire life.

Because bipolar disorder can cause dramatic changes in a parent’s personality, it’s normal to have questions. Here are answers to some of the questions you may have:

Is this going to happen to me, too?

Although it’s true that bipolar disorder runs in families, a child with a parent who has bipolar disorder is still more likely not to have the disease than they are to have it. Even being the identical twin of someone who has bipolar disorder doesn’t automatically mean you’ll get it.

No one can be sure if they’ll get this disorder, but you can’t catch it in the same way that you can catch a cold or the flu.

If you do feel like you’re stressed or having a hard time managing your feelings, talk to a medical professional or another person you trust.

Did I do something to make this happen?

No. There are lots of things that contribute to someone having bipolar disorder. Something you may or may not have done isn’t one of them.

Although your parent’s symptoms may change, get better, or get worse over time, it’s possible they were dealing with the disorder before you were even born. The typical age of onset is 25 years old.

What’s the difference between a manic and a depressed mood?

If your parent is in a manic episode, they may:

• have a hard time sleeping, although they may report feeling “well rested” after only 30 minutes of sleep
• talk very quickly
• go on shopping sprees with reckless regard as to how they’ll pay for items purchased
• get easily distracted
• be overly energetic

If your parent is in an episode of depression, they may:

• sleep a lot
• not be very talkative
• leave the house less often
• not go to work
• seem sad or down

They may experience other symptoms during these episodes as well, so it’s important to know the signs.

Will they ever get better?

Bipolar disorder isn’t curable, but it is manageable. If your parent takes their medication and sees a doctor regularly, it’s more likely that their symptoms are under control.

What should I do if I’m worried?

It’s important to remember that everyone is different. Some people who have bipolar disorder may not want to talk about their condition, and others may be very open about what they’re experiencing.

One way you can help your parent is to let someone know if you feel like you need help dealing with your feelings, or if you have questions about what’s happening.

You can also work with your parent or doctor to develop a plan for when your parent has an episode. It’s important that you know what to expect, what to do, and who you may need to call.

Call for help as soon as possible if you’re scared for yourself or your parent. If you have their doctor’s number, you can call them, or you can call 911 or your local emergency services.

Every year, bipolar disorder affects about 5.7 million U.S. adults, which is about 2.6 percent of the population. This means that your parent isn’t alone — and neither are you. There are a number of support options available to help family members better understand how to help their loved one, as well as how to take care of themselves.

Online forums and support groups are available, as well as in-person group sessions with other people going through the same thing. Here are some resources you can use:

HeretoHelp

HeretoHelp is a group of mental health and addiction nonprofit agencies that work together to help patients and families handle mental health issues.

They offer an online toolkit that has tips for understanding mental illness, communication, and problem-solving skills regarding this issue. They also offer suggestions for family members coping with their own stress.

Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance (DBSA)

The DBSA is another available online resource for children of a parent with bipolar disorder. This organization provides information about in-person support groups. They also run scheduled online support groups for those who don’t have the ability to make an in-person meeting or are more comfortable interacting with people online. Peers lead these groups.

Therapy

Children of a parent with bipolar disorder may also benefit from one-on-one psychotherapy. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, stressed, or that you may benefit from more consultation, check with your primary care doctor and insurance company for area providers.

Family-focused therapy (FFT) is useful for both the parent and the family members in coping with the illness and its effects. A trained therapist runs FFT sessions.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

If you or your parent are in crisis, at risk for self-harm or hurting someone else, or are considering suicide, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255. Calls are free, confidential, and they’re available to help 24/7.

When someone decides to leave a relationship, there’s a very real possibility they may never again see the person who was once the center of their universe. For some, that might be exactly as it should be.

But if you’ve been blessed to have children together and your once significant other is not unfit to share in their upbringing, and they want to, then you’ve still got a long road of “together” ahead.

Here are some key ways that have helped ease my pain and confusion on a path that I didn’t think I’d be walking when my ex and I first thought about having children together. If you have also decided to separate and co-parent, I hope these will also bring you comfort on one of the hardest journeys we can take as a parent:

1) Set the intention to have a compassionate and supportive co-parenting relationship. Believe it or not, the person that was once your “everything” does not have to suddenly become the enemy. In the end, it doesn’t matter who decides they can’t stay in a relationship — make the decision that if you can’t be great together, then you’re going to commit to being the best co-parent you can be.

2) Remember the qualities that you admired about your ex as a parent, when you were both still feeling the bliss. Of course, there are going to be times when you both simply can’t stand the sight of each other, but just because someone’s no longer your partner doesn’t mean they’re not a great parent. Try to keep their best qualities at the forefront of your mind and remember that you’re in this together.

3) Talk to your kids about your ex’s great qualities. Put photos up of them with the kids. This doesn’t need to be confusing — it’s possible to make it clear to even very young children that you believe your ex is a great Dad/Mom, you just weren’t great together. It’s also a beautiful and important reminder that your kids need both of you.

4) Try not to talk to all and sundry about a decision that you two, as parents, need to make. While speaking with others can help you sift through different ideas, in the case of looking after your own children and the next steps you both need to take as co-parents, in your own unique set of circumstances, it is your two opinions that count.

While new partners will naturally be confided in with any decision we make, I believe decisions that concern my children should be made with their needs, my needs and their father’s being met first. New partners might just need to wear this and be reassured by their own partner that their time will come.

5) Don’t dump your new partner’s needs and feelings on your ex. As much as they matter to you, a new partner’s needs are irrelevant to your ex. If you’re having a hard time with a new partner having something to say about your co-parenting relationship, deal with it yourself. Don’t dump that grief on the person you’re trying to co-parent with.

Remember, your first priority is to work out how to best care for your kids. They need to come first. But don’t forget, part of the beauty of co-parenting is that you do get time “off” which is when you can then focus on anyone else you please.

6) Think about how you can make your ex’s life easier whilst still having your own needs and wants met. Just because you’re no longer together doesn’t mean that kindness and understanding won’t go a long way to making everyone’s life easier. When my ex and his new partner decided to move in together, because I didn’t care where in the city I lived, I moved across town so that we could continue to be within an easy distance of each other and the kids’ new school.

Do what you can for the other person and it will come back to you — if in no other kind than peace of mind.

7) Appreciate the parenting skills you see working in your partner’s new relationship, if there is one. We can all learn from someone else’s experience.

8) Keep to previously agreed schedules and arrangements yet be open-minded and flexible enough to realize that plans will occasionally have to be changed. Be gracious and understanding and mindful of how you’d like to be treated.

9) Do the inner work that needs to be done to help you be the best co-parent you can be and prepare you for the next relationship you might want to have. Be that person you’re looking for. Spend time alone. Immerse yourself in new things. Recharge your batteries for you, your kids and that new person who might already be looking for you.

How to Deal With Your Foster Child’s Tantrums: Five Ways to Effectively Address Tantrums

Imagine this. You’re in the local supermarket trying to get your groceries for the week. Your child asks if you can buy him the very candy that makes him the most hyper. When you say no, he proceeds to throw himself on the floor and create a scene that makes it look like you’re the worst parent in the universe. Embarrassment comes over you as you see familiar faces walk past with looks of “How come they can’t control their child?” This, of course, is a lighter scenario than some of the more serious tantrums that can occur; it’s important to be as prepared as possible so you can effectively deal with your foster child’s tantrums.

How to Deal With Your Foster Child’s Tantrums – Control Your Emotions

Operating in anger can indicate a loss of control. When your child sees that you lose control from his actions, it may be an indicator that he can do the same thing over and over again to solicit that response. In anger, things can be done and words can be said that will make the situation worse than it actually is. If a child is expressing anger via a tantrum, it is not beneficial to react off of your own anger, but rather respond in a calm way. When you show that you are able to maintain control and composure, you will be well on your way to quenching the tantrum.

How to Deal With Your Foster Child’s Tantrums – Don’t Give In

It is imperative that you do not give in to the tantrum. If you give in during this time, the child can interpret that as a method to use when he wants something or needs attention. Entertaining the tantrum can tell him if he truly wants something, he can conduct himself in that particular manner to obtain it. Standing firm can also open a great door to a dialogue, so it is a much better alternative.

How to Deal With Your Foster Child’s Tantrums – Be Assertive

Aggression may escalate the situation. By being assertive, it lets the child know you have control and know what’s best. You can change the reaction of a child by causing him to look at the situation differently. It may take moving him to a private area (if you are in public) or using a time out if necessary until he calms down. Doing this can show him you care about his well-being and can bring the safety and security that he needs.

How to Deal With Your Foster Child’s Tantrums – Ignore the Tantrum

It may seem cruel initially, but once you remove the child from possible danger, ignoring the tantrum will prevent it from becoming a heightened situation; in time it should run its course. When a child knows that you are not being affected by his behavior, it’s possible he will change it for a better outcome. Non escalation is a great way to improve the situation.

How to Deal with Your Foster Child’s Tantrums – Communicate Effectively

An old adage says “communication is key.” The child in your care has experienced a very traumatic past and he may have not dealt with a variety of overwhelming experiences in his life. Get him to openly and effectively communicate to you what he needs and why he needs it. It could as simple as him knowing you will be there for him. Sometimes all he needs to know is that he can feel secure in your care.

How to Deal with Your Foster Child’s Tantrums – When Children Need Professional Help

Sometimes your foster child’s tantrums can be the symptom of a more serious issue. FAFS’ Home Correspondence Course Understanding Anger in Children and Adolescents recommends you to consult professional help when:
• Tantrums continually last over a half hour
• Tantrums are violent and forceful
• Tantrums involve self-harm
• Tantrums occur often and over a long period of time
• Your child is over four-years-old and continually has tantrums

For in depth information on how to deal with your foster child’s tantrums, please refer to the home correspondence course that was previously mentioned. Also, please note that this course is only for licensed resource parents in New Jersey. Click here to access this course.

How to Deal with Your Foster Child’s Tantrums – Knowing How to Tackle Tantrums

At the end of the day, it’s up to you to decide on how to address tantrums in your child. You have to figure out the best and most effective method for you to practice. It will definitely vary depending on the child’s age and circumstance. What you should know above everything is that there’s a way to cope with and address each outburst. You can turn the negativity of a tantrum into a positive dialogue and a lesson the child can take with him into his adulthood.

Author: Salendria Mabrey, FAFS Communication & Development Associate

Salendria Mabrey is a Communication and Development Associate at Foster and Adoptive Family Services.

2 thoughts on “ How to Deal With Your Foster Child’s Tantrums ”

I have a friend who has adopted 4 siblings. She alrady has 3 of her own, the youngest child that she adopted was maybe 6 months when she was awarded to my friend as a foster child. The child’s mother was a drug (meth) user during her pregnancy with this baby. The little girl now has anger problems. She also feels jealousy toward the biological children of her foster mother; who has now adopted her and her 3 brothers. My friends’ mother also lives in the home and the little girl doesn’t listen to nor obey the grandmother. I think they do a little too much yelling and hollering. The little girl is the youngest ( with the exception of my friends’ new baby who is approx 6-7 months. The little girl supposedly bit the baby and acted as though she didn’t know anything about the reason the baby was crying. Now the mom won’t let the little girl have anything to do with her baby. I said I feel I could give the little girl the attentin she needs. I want some suggestions to use when I babysit this youngster…I know the situation is not a loss!

I was hoping somebody would reply to your comment. I hope you figured it out in the end.

I was supposed to be ready when my mother died in 2008 from metastatic breast cancer. I was supposed to be ready to say goodbye. After all, she was in her seventies and had been ill for quite some time. I was not a child or even a young adult. At my age I was supposed to be ready. My mother’s cancer had been diagnosed four years earlier, so I was supposed to be ready. Her cancer had metastasized and her prognosis was very poor, so I was supposed to be ready. Her health had been rapidly declining before my eyes and she was living out her final days in a care facility, so I was supposed to be ready. My family and I knew the end was coming, so I was supposed to be ready.

But I was not.

Society gives few messages and the ones that are given seem mixed about how to “appropriately” grieve for parents. In his book, When Parents Die: A Guide for Adults, Edward Myers states, “Loss of a parent is the single most common form of bereavement in this country. Yet the unstated message is that when a parent is middle-aged or elderly, the death is somehow less of a loss than other losses. The message is that grief for a dead parent isn’t entirely appropriate.”

After all, the death of a parent is the natural order of things.

When a parent dies, we are supposed to be prepared for this normal life passage, or at least be more ready to accept it when it happens. We are expected to pick ourselves up, close the wound quickly, and move on. We should not require much time to get over it.

Again, the death of a parent is the natural order of things.

However, just because the death of a parent is common place and is the natural order of things, this does not mean a person can or should be expected to simply and quickly bounce back. On the contrary, the death of one’s parent(s) is extremely difficult for most if you have had a good relationship with your parent(s) and even if you haven’t. In fact, sometimes the latter makes it even more difficult due to unresolved issues or conflicts.

When a parent dies, it can be unexpectedly devastating and cause considerable upheaval in even an adult son or daughter’s life. The magnitude of this loss can take you by surprise and helpful resources are not that plentiful.

Here are a few suggestions for coping with the natural order of things, or when a parent dies:

1. Don’t expect to be ready for the natural order of things; you won’t be.

2. Never let anyone belittle this loss, make you feel guilty for grieving deeply, or hurry you through your grief. You are entitled to feel all of grief’s intricacies and all of grief’s intensity.

3. Grieving for a parent, like all grief, can be exhausting emotionally, physically and spiritually. Be kind to yourself.

4. This work of grief takes time; the process must not be hurried. And it is never entirely over.

5. Even as an adult, don’t be surprised by feelings of abandonment and uncertainty that you experience.

6. After they are gone your parents will continue to be a part of your life, just in a different sense. You will always be their son or daughter.

7. Grief does not end. Rather grief comes and goes. And then it comes again.

8. If you feel the need, seek out support from others who’ve been there, a friend who cares, or a professional who can help guide you through the work of grief.

When a parent dies, yes, it is the natural order of things.

But taking time to grieve for them should be as well.

Have you experienced the death of a parent?

Have you ever felt pressured to hurry through grief?

Read more at Nancy’s Point.
Like Nancy’s Point on Facebook and follow on Twitter and Instagram.

By Deb Hipp, Next Avenue Contributor

A few years ago, Robert’s 89-year-old mother rolled out her home’s blueprints on the dining room table and traced her finger along the floor plan’s wall symbols.

“People are hiding in there,” Mary told her son. “They come out at night and try to get me.” By that point, Mary’s dementia-related delusions and paranoia were keeping her awake most nights. (Editor’s note: The family members’ names have been changed for this article.)

Mary would call 911 to report nonexistent strangers roaming her house. She insisted that patriotic anthems emanated from a nearby woodland. Mary stood over the stove until dawn one night, preparing a feast for imaginary house guests.

Nearly five months earlier, Robert had traveled 3,000 miles from his West Coast home to act as Mary’s temporary live-in caregiver. Now, that already difficult task was further complicated by another troubled family member who lived with Mary: Robert’s sister, Susan, who was in her 60s and suffered from schizophrenia and bipolar disorder. Schizophrenia is characterized by illogical thoughts, bizarre behavior and delusions or hallucinations such as hearing voices. People with bipolar disorder often experience extreme mood swings such as euphoria, reckless behavior and spending binges often followed by depression, sadness, feelings of worthlessness and suicidal thoughts.

The Best Places To Retire In 2020

Added Stress for Caregivers

His sister’s bizarre behavior and his mom’s dementia-related delusions took its toll on Robert. “You have to have somebody to help you or you’ll feel like you’re alone,” he says.

Also on Forbes:

As a caregiver, Robert wasn’t alone in feeling overwhelmed. Nearly half of family caregivers (46%) who provide at least 21 hours of unpaid care per week report “high emotional stress,” according to a study conducted by the National Alliance for Caregiving (NAC) and the AARP Public Policy Institute.

Caregiving for even one person with a mental disorder is “incredibly time consuming and draining,” says Jennifer FitzPatrick, author of Cruising Through Caregiving: Reducing the Stress of Caring for Your Loved One.

‘A Lot of Anger and Frustration’

When a sibling is mentally ill, that’s one less person in the family to be a consistent, contributing member of the caregiving team, she says.

“There’s a lot of anger and frustration. Because most people who have serious mental illnesses struggle with them for a lifetime, the family has seen both good and bad times,” says FitzPatrick. Those bad times might also include suicide attempts and forced hospitalizations.

“Some people in the family may enable, while others might lean toward tough love or even estrangement,” says FitzPatrick.

A History of Mental Illness

As a teen, Susan ran off to New York City, where a taxi driver noticed her wandering disoriented on the streets and called her parents. Another time, Susan lost multiple rental cars during a cross-country manic episode. She was diagnosed with schizophrenia and bipolar disorder in her 20s.

Now, living with her mother, Susan was at her worst. She’d carved religious symbols on garage walls and slashed oil paintings with a knife. Susan blasted fans throughout the house to drown out the taunting voices in her head.

Meanwhile, Mary, who had always looked after Susan, no longer had the coping skills to fulfill that role. The result was a caregiving disaster.

“The two of them had this symbiotic relationship,” Robert says. “They needed each other, but were terrible for each other.”

The Complexity of Late Life Mental Illness

Approximately one in five adults in the U.S. experiences mental illness in a given year, and one in 25 experiences a serious mental illness that substantially interferes with major life activities, according to the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI).

An estimated 20% of adults aged 65 and older met criteria for a mental disorder, including dementia, during a 12-month study in 2012, according to the American Psychological Association. In addition, nursing home residents can have personality disorders exacerbated by chronic health problems.

Mental disorders in the elderly can be misdiagnosed if the person isn’t evaluated by a geriatric psychiatrist, says Dr. Marc Agronin, a geriatric psychiatrist at Miami Jewish Health and author of The Dementia Caregiver: A Guide to Caring for Someone with Alzheimer’s Disease and Other Neurocognitive Disorders.

For example, major depression can present symptoms similar to those of dementia, such as memory loss, withdrawal and personality changes. Some forms of dementia would also be considered a psychiatric illness as well as a neurological illness, says Agronin.

“Because of that illness and the damage it causes to the brain, they often have other psychiatric conditions such as major depression, anxiety and behavioral disturbances such as agitation and psychosis,” says Agronin. “So we often see multiple psychiatric diagnoses at the same time.”

Support Groups May Help

FitzPatrick recommends seeking a support group for caregivers of persons with a mental illness, and trying to get the affected person on a treatment plan.

“Persons with dementia diagnoses like Alzheimer’s disease will decline regardless of treatment,” says FitzPatrick. “But it is possible for those with mental illnesses to improve dramatically with the right treatment.”

Local support group resources can be found through these sites:

Difficult Changes

Robert tried to convince his mother to move to an assisted living facility, but she refused. Due to her paranoia, Mary also refused to allow strangers to assist with in-home care.

Finally, during a hospital stay for Mary’s physical problems, Robert found an assisted living facility for his mom. Later, a court-appointed guardian placed Susan in a separate assisted living facility.

Mary’s new living situation was rough initially. She refused to socialize and blocked the door with her wheelchair, fearing that the staff might slip in at night to kill her.

Even though Robert felt some relief from his in-home caregiving duties, he also struggled with sadness and guilt, especially when it came to dismantling his mother’s home.

“If she’d passed and I had to give stuff away, that would be different,” says Robert. “Here she was, alive, and I was giving everything she cherished and accumulated away.”

A More Manageable World

In the four years that Mary has been in assisted living, she has improved immensely, says Robert. At 92, she gets up, showers, reads and interacts with the staff. His mom is now receiving the treatment she needs.

“She’s shown a lot of improvement,” says Robert. “She’s gradually gotten used to being there. She’s in a smaller world, and that’s better for her.”

Next Avenue is public media’s first and only national journalism service for America’s booming older population. Our daily content delivers vital ideas, context and

Next Avenue is public media’s first and only national journalism service for America’s booming older population. Our daily content delivers vital ideas, context and perspectives on issues that matter most as we age.

As long as parents are not harming their children or putting them in danger in any way, it is none of your business how they choose to raise them. This includes their lack of discipline; while it may bother you that your sister, best friend or neighbor does not discipline her children when they misbehave, there really isn’t anything you can do about it. While you may not be able to do anything about another parent’s lack of discipline, you can subtly deal with misbehaving children and their parents in many situations.

Redirect a child who is misbehaving, advises the PBS website. Redirecting is the art of changing bad behavior into positive behavior. Say you and your friend are at the park with your kids, and she is notorious for not disciplining her 4-year-old son when he misbehaves. While at the park, her child begins dumping sand on your child’s head and your friend says nothing to her child, despite the fact that your child is upset and clearly does not like the sand being dumped on her head. Instead of telling someone the child to stop or removing yourself and your daughter from the situation because the other child’s parents do not discipline him, walk over to him and hand him a beach pail or bucket and tell him to dump the sand in there instead 1.

Enforce your own house rules at home and do not back down from those rules, advises Lawrence Kutner, Ph.D., clinical psychologist at Harvard University and author. Say that your sister brings your nephew over to play with your son and you and your sister walk into your son’s bedroom to find your nephew jumping on the bed and she says nothing to him. Do not hesitate to tell your nephew that your house rule is that there is no jumping on the bed. If he or your sister replies by telling you that it’s okay for him to jump on the bed, explain that you do not allow your children to jump on the bed and that it is not fair to bend the rules for other children in your own home. It’s your house and your guests should respect your rules.

Handle anger from other parents with grace, advises Dr. Kutner. Even if you are the most diplomatic parent there is, you may encounter a non-disciplinarian who becomes offended and angry that you corrected her child or redirected his behavior. If this happens, do not lose your cool. Instead, tell her that you understand her plight because your own child misbehaves the same way from time to time. For example, if someone else’s child takes a toy from your child and you politely ask him to give the toy back to your daughter, you might receive a negative reaction from his parent 1. Tell her that you understand because you’ve been in the same situation and you are never sure exactly how to handle it, and ask her how she typically handles this type of situation. Chances are good that this will defuse her anger and help her understand that her child needs discipline at the moment.

There are strategies for helping your children cope with military deployments.

Many parents wonder how to best prepare their children for military deployment, and how to sustain the well being of the family when their deployed loved one is away. Research suggests that deployments can be overwhelming for military families, and lead to problems with anxiety and depression in parents, spouses, and children 1,2 . However, there are also several strategies that can help lessen this stress, and ensure the family continues to thrive in the midst of the uncertainty and change a deployment brings.

We highlight some strategies for self-care, communication, and maintaining family routines that can boost your family’s resilience and mental health 3 .

As a parent or caregiver, try to build in time for self-reflection

Research suggests that parents with stronger self-reflection skills are more receptive to children’s emotional needs especially during times of heightened stress, like deployments 4, 5 . You may want to try practicing mindfulness, journaling, or any form of contemplative practice that helps you be aware of your own thoughts, feelings, and emotional needs. This foundation of self-awareness will prepare you to be an engaged and present parent to your child, and boost your own mental health, which will in turn boost that of your child 6 .

Create an environment of open, honest communication about the deployment and your child’s emotional reactions to it

When you talk about the deployment, as well as the level of detail you share, will depend on the child’s developmental stage. However, across developmental stages, it is important to create an environment in which children and family members can speak openly about a range of topics related to the deployment, including painful emotions like fear and sadness 7 . Here are some of key messages you will want to deliver and repeat when discussing the deployment with your children:

• Make it less abstract. Share as much practical information as honestly as you can with your children about the deployment. You may consider putting up a map and showing the children where the unit is deploying to, and helping them learn about that area. You may also want to discuss the types of jobs the service member will complete and their daily routine in developmentally appropriate ways.
• Make a “coping” plan for the child.You may want to talk with the child about things they can do to feel better when they feel sad or scared during the deployment, or are missing their loved one. This could involve looking at pictures, writing a letter, or listening to an audio or video recording of the deployed spouse. This could also be integrated into a daily routine at bedtime, after-school, or in the morning.
• Emphasize actions to stay safe while deployed. Children most likely will understand there is an element of danger to the deployment. It is important to acknowledge this, and to emphasize that the service member and unit will do everything possible to stay safe. Emphasize that all the hard work and training in the military thus far has prepared the unit for this job.
• If there are siblings, encourage them to talk with one another about their feelings about the deployment. Research suggests that siblings can be especially important supports for one another during deployments 8 . Encourage your children to support one another and speak openly about their feelings. If your child does not have siblings, try connecting them to other military children. You may check out:
• Talk about the deployed spouse frequently.Talking about the deployed parent or caregiver will help keep that person present in the daily life of the child. You may want to cook the favorite meal of the deployed spouse, or read a book they love together. You can also share often how much the deployed spouse misses the child, and how they love them.

Maintain a flexible routine as best you can

Household routines and responsibilities will shift during a deployment. Try as best you can to anticipate ways in which routines will need to change and explain this to your children. Taking time pre-deployment to recognize practical things that will change may help some children cope better and feel less overwhelmed. It may be helpful to communicate that while the service member is making sacrifices, the family on the home front is as well, with each person making a sacrifice in their own way.

• Schedule pleasurable family events more often. Given all the stress of a deployment, it is more important than ever to schedule fun, stress-relieving activities for the family to enjoy together. They can be small activities, such as a family bike-ride, cooking a meal together, watching a favorite show, reading a book aloud, or doing arts and crafts, or something larger like a trip to the movies or to a museum. Every family is working with different resources, and financial and time constraints can be a barrier to scheduling these sorts of activities. Try to find ways that fit with your schedule and resources, and involve your children with the planning of it.

Limit media exposure

Try as best you can to avoid watching media content that involves military action, or news of war zone activity with your children. It may be helpful to emphasize that the news you will share about the deployment will come directly from the deployed spouse, or the family readiness group officer. You can emphasize that this is a more accurate and direct depiction of what is going on with their parent/ caregiver than the media.

Deployments are so stressful; these strategies may help support your family during times of sacrifice and service.

Gay discrimination and gay stigma are still a problem in today’s workplace, school and even at home.

In the past, homosexuality was considered an illness and open hostility towards gay people was the norm; seeing much of this gay stigma disappear may lead some to believe that gay discrimination is a thing of the past, but unfortunately, this is not the case. Homophobia is still alive and well in North America and is perpetuated by some laws, politicians, religions and individual ideologies. Moreover, gay discrimination and stigma still harms people, particularly youth, who identify as gay. (more on gay bullying)

What is Gay Discrimination and Homophobia?

Gay discrimination is the act of treating people who identify as gay as lesser than those who identify in other ways (generally heterosexual). For example, if a player is not chosen for a sports team based on the fact that they are gay, that is a form of gay discrimination.

Similarly, homophobia is broadly defined as the hostility towards, or the fear of, gay people, but it can also refer to social ideologies that stigmatize homosexuality. Homophobia is seen in negative attitudes towards the non-heterosexual community, relationships and identity. 1 Homophobia often leads to gay discrimination.

Homophobia also manifests as:

• Homophobic jokes and remarks
• The usage of homosexual terms in a negative context (Such as, “oh, that party was so gay.”)
• Bullying
• Malicious gossip
• Physical and emotional attacks
• Vandalism
• Theft
• Negative media representation

Homophobia can even be so strong as to make a parent denounce a child all together and many teens are made homeless every year because of this gay stigma. In the United States, between 20-40% of young homeless people are gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender.

What Causes Gay Discrimination and Homophobia?

While any one person may have homophobic thoughts for individual reasons, researchers have found similar traits among those with prejudiced views against gays. Those who are homophobic typically: 2

• See the category of “gay” to be clearly defined (in other words, you are gay or you are not)
• Think all homosexuals are alike
• Think that important decisions can be made based on the information that one is homosexual

In contrast, those who do not exhibit gay stigma tend to believe:

• Homosexuality is biological
• Homosexuality cannot be changed
• Homosexuality is universally occurring

(More on why people are gay and whether they are gay by choice or because of genetics.)

HIV and AIDS Stigma

In some, there are strong feelings of HIV and AIDS stigma and in many cases, this is closely linked to gay stigma. This began when homosexuals were tied to, and held responsible for, the spread of HIV and AIDS. Gay stigma was reinforced in the media with headlines like:

• Alert over “gay plague”
• “Gay plague” may lead to blood ban on homosexuals

Even though we now understand that HIV and AIDS are not a “gay plague” and homosexuals are in no way responsible for these illnesses, AIDS and HIV stigma, as well as homophobia, continue to be major barriers to ending the global AIDS epidemic as homosexuals still feel too much discrimination to access vital HIV prevention, treatment, and care services.

How to Cope with Homophobia and Gay Stigma

Unfortunately, some people have a very hard time coping with homophobia and gay stigma and find themselves with feelings of shame, self-hatred, and low self-esteem. It doesn’t have to be this way though. There are productive ways of dealing with gay stigma: 3

• Learn that gay stigma is wrong – confirm for yourself that homophobia and gay discrimination is wrong by learning more about it
• Find the right people – surround yourself by loved ones who support you and those that may be going through similar situations themselves
• Get professional help – it’s okay to admit that you can’t handle homophobia and gay stigma on your own. Find a gay therapist to feel less isolated.
• Share your experiences – find a safe space such as a gay support group where you can share your experiences with others
• Join an advocacy group – join a group that actively fights gay stigma and discrimination

The key is to remember that you are not alone and that there are people who will accept you for who you are – you just have to find them.

If there is one thing that most people can’t stand, one thing that almost always gets an intense, emotional response, it’s rejection. We can’t stand rejection. It hurts us. It angers us. And it can make us incredibly insecure.

There are some people whoВ get rejected left and rightВ and can continue living as if nothing happened. WhetherВ they’re trying to find a significant otherВ or close a business deal, they manage to pick themselves up and continue on their merry way. They brush it off. They don’t take it personally.

Unfortunately, not all of us are so impervious to rejection. Not that we aren’t capable of it, but we choose not to be. Or rather, at some point or other, we established a certain response as our go-to, and we never bothered to alter that response moving forward.

Rejection happens. Even to the best of us. It’s how you react to rejection that makes all the difference.

Let me give you two scenarios, and let’s see if you can tell which one warrants a response of feeling rejected.

Scenario 1: You go out to a bar on the weekend with your friends. You’re all having a good time, chatting and having a couple of drinks, when you see a beautiful stranger at the other side of the room. You decide to come up to him or her and start a conversation.

However, this personВ isn’t interested in talking to you.В This personВ doesn’t give you a reason. He or she just isn’tВ interested.

Feeling rejected, you walk back over to your group of friends and spend the rest of the evening dwelling on how rejected you now feel. You try and participate in conversations, but your mind is stuck on that single, brief moment of rejection.

Scenario 2: You’re in love. You’ve been in love for quite some time now and are ready to take things to the next level. You decide that you’re going to make an extra copy of your house key and give it to the one you care about so much.

Unfortunately, he or she didn’t see the relationship going in the same direction.В Your significant otherВ likes you, but he or sheВ doesn’t love you and doesn’t want to lead you on. So he or sheВ breaks things off altogether.

You’re heartbroken. You cry for days, maybe even weeks. You become a hermit. You start eating ice cream by the bucket — basically punishing your body, trying to break it just as your heart is broken.

So which of the two responses to rejection was warranted? The answer is neither.

It took me a while to understand this, but here’s theВ truth:В Rejection is nothing. Not that it doesn’t exist, because it certainly does. But it’s nothing. It has no impact on you unless you let it have an impact on you. It carries no weight on its own; it’s you that’s weighing down on you. Nothing and nobody else.

Sometimes, rejection isn’t so straightforward. Sometimes, it doesn’t happen all at once in a single moment, but is spread out over months, even years.

You can be in a relationship for ages and experience a constantВ feeling of rejection.В Maybe your significant otherВ isn’t giving you enough attention. Maybe he or sheВ has a tendencyВ to cancel plans and always givesВ you a reason why, but never one you want to fully accept as truth.В There are countless signs that let you know the one you’reВ dedicating yourselfВ to isn’t reciprocating said dedication.

But you already know this person. You can pick up on his or herВ cues without having meВ explain them to you. You just need to open your eyes and see the situation for what it is.

You see, most people develop such an aversion to rejection that, without even realizing it, they block out all the signs.В We all see the signs, but we choose not to see them, if you know what I mean. We fool ourselves into believing that someone cares when in fact this personВ doesn’t. We don’t want to be rejected.

But why? Why don’t you want to be rejected? Seriously. Take a second and answer the question.

I already know the answer. It’s not that you don’t want to be rejected; you don’t want to feel rejected.

But is rejection a rejection if you don’t feel rejected?В While the act of rejection itself does exist, if we don’t allow ourselves to be moved by it, then it doesn’t really matter, does it? If we don’t feel it, if we aren’t hurt by it, then does it really exist? Objectively, sure. But let’s be honest. If you don’t feel or experience something for yourself, then it mightВ as well not exist at all. Because to you, it doesn’t exist.В It isn’t a part of your world.

And because of this, you won’t and can’t be moved by it.

Easier said than done, right? Wrong. It isn’t that difficult. Not as long as you understand one thing:В While people can sometimes force you to do things, what they cannot do is force you to think things.

You are in control of your mindВ andВ your thoughts. You are in control of the way you react, the way you feel, your emotions, the way you think. You are in control. No one else.

Rejection doesn’t make you feel like crap; you make you feel like crap. Rejection is an action, not an emotion. You may not be able to control rejection, but you certainly can control the way you mentally and emotionally respond to rejection.

If you believe that you are being rejected, then you probably are. But who gives a sh*t? Last time I checked, there were over 7 billion people in this world. I say tell him to go f*ck himself, and give someone else a shot at being your life partner.