Controlling brother in law | Dementia Support Forum
By Isabella Wilson
My elderly, 89, in-laws moved from London to us, their younger son and myself, in august 2021. Both in-laws have dementia. The eldest son said he couldn’t cope as he is in bad health. When I say couldn’t cope, which consisted of going around on Monday nd eating the steak they bought, not cooking for them. Thursday eating the fish and chip takeaway they bought, Friday collecting his food shop they bought and Sunday eating the roast dinner they bought. He however, had to roast the potatoes and cut the meat. This has been going on for 20 year. I went down with regularity, 3 weeks at a time, to look after them as we found issues ie. oral and personal hygiene, house keeping issues, clothing issues where clothes were too small, damage. Diet. The list goes on. We tried to get them home helps and carers but they didn’t want any strangers in the house. Finally the eldest brother agreed that they should move to us nd therefore his cash cows had disappeared up north.
I sold the house in London and sorted everything out without my help from the. brother in law, no surprise. The house sale was quick and they made a substantial profit. To look after my in-laws it was agreed that a lodge would be built in my garden so that they had single floor living. This should of started in February 2022 but the eldest brother didn’t want his father to put down the initial deposit so we just kept on getting pushed back in the queue. Eventually the deposit was paid and the lodge was done in august 2022. I would say tht nothing was put in writing regarding the value of the lodge.
in November 2021 only 4 months after leaving London my mother in law’s behaviour changed dramatically. It could of been in retrospect the move. I now know the importance of structure and in London she had structure, even as unpleasant as it might of been. She became aggressive, un empathetic , mean, refusing to get up. We all struggled and the social services became involved as my visits to the doctor became more frequent and her meds increased. She is now in a care home, where she still doesn’t think anything is wrong with her.
My Father in law is now in his beloved lodge and is happy. Reluctantly visiting his wife in the care home. He dislikes the environment and often gets upset. Now at this point his eldest son has not contacted him since leaving London in august 2021. His sister in law also has not bothered with him. Only a phone call to say that he should of gone into the care home with his wife Quoting the marriage vows.
At the beginning of November 2022 we had to call an ambulance to my father in law because he was unwell being sick. It turns out he had. Problem with his gall bladder. My husband Informed his brother, who had as I said earlier not bothered with him. My husband sent his brother pictures of the lodge being built. Told him of the costs pertaining to the lodge but his brother showed no Interest didn’t respond. so my husband stopped sending any messages. His father use to joke when he bought something by saying, wait until he sees that. Both brothers have LPAs on financial and welfare so both can see what is being spent on both parents bank accounts.
The moment my father in law went into hospital the eldest brother started to call his father daily. On sunday 13th November 2022, we went to visit my father in law in hospital. My father in law was very abrupt with me and I left. A few minutes later my husband came to me in the waiting room and told me that [his brother and nephew had driven up from London to see him. The following Thursday on our visit his father shouted at my husband said we have been stealing from him and didn’t want to come back to his lodge and didn’t want to talk to us.
The socoal services contacted us and told us that my brother in law had made an accusation of elder abuse re financial. Which in turn the social had to report to OPG. I have no issues with the OPG as I have recorded every transaction and have receipts. The issue that we face is that my father in law has gone into the care home with his wife, which he hated, because he believes his eldest son. His eldest son even rang the police thinking we were holding onto his fathers belongings, as the care home failed to pick them up as arranged. The police were very understanding.
My father in law is an elderly man and we have been told tht there is a massive backlog at the OPG so we cannot hand our vindication letter to my father in law to prove our innocence. I reported this to the OPG as elder abuse of health & welfare as his eldest sons actions has lead to an elderly man making a decision based on untruths, which has led to him being in a care home rather than his home with us. As you can imagine my husband is going to work with the weight of the world on his shoulders. While his brother, who hasn’t worked for the last 30 years is plotting.
I was hoping, as the alizimers society, have told me that it is common for siblings to act like this if anyone has had similar issues and how it went. I also have the added problem of a lodge in my garden. My father in law is now becoming spiteful and asking for furniture from the lodge nd his blue badge, that I got him. I am not having people traipsing into my garden as that is trespassing. But the care home is saying that he does have capacity, which I know can fluctuate, but his behaviour is based on what his eldest son has told him and I am worried.what is going to happen next.
