Tips for coping with favoritism

I have no tips but I feel your pain which has long been similar to my own. I think I remember reading your earlier posting. I have one of those helicopter brothers which Jaded'n'faded describes. I also had the mother who said she was worn out from cleaning the house top to bottom but lived alone and had 2 care visits per day from carers who "didn't do very much" and "didn't stay very long" ...although she never wanted to employ them for longer. I refer to this in the past tense because my mother is now in a care home after breaking the neck of her femur whilst carrying something up the stairs and whilst the carer was in the kitchen microwaving her tea. She has become largely immobile.

The nature of my brother has not changed and neither really has my mother's relationship with him.I say not "really" changed because she will fluctuate about what she says about him depending upon whether or not he has made a recent visit. I also do not talk to my brother who has, again, helicoptered off, unannounced to one of his homes, this one in the States for maybe several months(??). Sometimes my mother will make excuses for him referring to my poor brother who is too busy, has too much to do because he "has 3 houses".....which is true(although they are not being renovated or anything!) and all in different places but it does grate with me lots especially since I do, now, absolutely all the work which continues on top of visiting- taking Mum out sometimes(trying for once a week) which feels near impossible now that incontinence is increasing, buying a fold up commode so that I could bring her to our house with no downstairs toilet, helping her use the toilet(which is incredibly difficult), finding slippers, shoes to fit her swollen legs, returning these and other necessary clothes which don't fit, paying the fees from her account for her care and (big one) emptying her house so that it can be sold in preparation for paying fees later.

Whilst emptying the house, using as much time as I can spare maybe for a few hours a couple of times a week, I am worrying that my horrible sibling who I don't talk to will come back and criticise that I have removed something he wanted(and this is even after I send text after text, trying to cover this base by saying I am sorting through "this" category of stuff right now and do you want any of it.? No reply comes for any of these texts but I do know that he reads my texts because he does very reply occasionally respond for example by actions, like making a visit to her empty house to remove all the remaining full bottles of spirits and champagne!

So when my mother says he is too busy because of his living in and maintaining his 3 houses, sometimes I cannot help but say "But they are just houses aren't they? They are not people. " Deaf ears though. Of course she doesn't really get it. What canary says is right too- no joining of the dots. There is only the moment to see, nothing else. The extent of what you do will not be seen ever in it's entirety.

I try to tell myself that I must do what is needed, do my duty by my mother, but that beyond that point I must make time for my own well being. It takes a continual effort to maintain this but I feel it is important.