How to regain broken trust in a relationship

Last Updated: November 3, 2020 References

This article was co-authored by Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC. Moshe Ratson is the Executive Director of spiral2grow Marriage & Family Therapy, a coaching and therapy clinic in New York City. Moshe is an International Coach Federation accredited Professional Certified Coach (PCC). He received his MS in Marriage and Family Therapy from Iona College. Moshe is a clinical member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT), and a member of the International Coach Federation (ICF).

There are 23 references cited in this article, which can be found at the bottom of the page.

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Trust takes time and effort to build. In order to gain someone’s trust, you will have to earn it one action at a time. By consistently acting in a reliable way, you will show them that you can be trusted and depended on. As long as you repeatedly prove your trustworthiness with your actions, you will gain their trust over time.

Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Marriage & Family Therapist Expert Interview. 7 August 2019. For example, always return things that you borrow undamaged. [3] X Research source If you say you are going to be somewhere, show up and be on time. When you say you’re going to do something, no matter how small, do it.

• Every time you prove that you’re dependable, trust grows.
• No one is perfect. Occasionally you are going to be late, lose a borrowed book, or forget about something you said you would do. When this happens, apologize and own up to it immediately.
• If you have to break plans that you have made with someone, then make sure to call and let the person know as soon as possible. Try not to do this too often though because it can have a negative effect on your relationship if you are always canceling at the last minute.

Last Updated: March 29, 2021 References Approved

This article was co-authored by Rebecca Tenzer, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS. Rebecca Tenzer is the owner and head clinician at Astute Counseling Services, a private counseling practice in Chicago, Illinois. With over 18 years of clinical and educational experience in the field of mental health, Rebecca specializes in the treatment of depression, anxiety, panic, trauma, grief, interpersonal relationships using a combination of Cognitive Behavioral therapy, Psychodynamic therapy, evidence-based practices. Rebecca holds a Bachelor of Arts (BA) in Sociology and Anthropology from DePauw University, a Master in Teaching (MAT) from Dominican University, and a Master of Social Work (MSW) from the University of Chicago. Rebecca has served as a member of the AmeriCorps and is also a Professor of Psychology at the collegiate level. Rebecca is trained as a Cognitive Behavioral Therapist (CBT), a Certified Clinical Trauma Professional (CCTP), and a Certified Grief Counseling Specialist (CGCS). Rebecca is a member of the Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Society of America and The National Association of Social Workers.

There are 17 references cited in this article, which can be found at the bottom of the page.

wikiHow marks an article as reader-approved once it receives enough positive feedback. This article has 22 testimonials from our readers, earning it our reader-approved status.

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Losing someone’s trust can be painful for everyone involved. While it’s not always easy, convincing someone to trust you again is possible if you’re patient and attentive. Whether it’s a friend, family member, or lover, there are things you can do to win back their trust.

What can a couple do to renew a sense of confidence in one another after many years of marriage that have included numerous painful circumstances requiring forgiveness on the part of both spouses? How can we restore trust to our relationship?

First be wary of clichés and pat answers that promise quick solutions to the problem you’re facing. By your own testimony, it’s taken many years to build the wall of bitterness and suspicion that now stands at the heart of your relationship. You can’t expect to tear it down in a single day. Restoring trust takes time. It’s a process that requires both an accurate understanding and an appropriate application of the principle of forgiveness. But you can’t begin to move in this direction until you know what the words ” trust” and “forgiveness” really mean.

Trust is something that has to be earned. It’s a mistake to assume that a person is worthy of trust simply because he’s expressed remorse and you’ve offered him forgiveness. That’s just the beginning. As has already been indicated, trust can be broken fairly quickly, but the rebuilding process can be lengthy and tedious. This is especially true where the offenses in question were unusually hurtful or if they’ve been repeated numerous times. When you’ve been wounded, it’s difficult to trust again unless you can see tangible evidence that things are going to be different in the future. So if you’re the spouse taking the initiative to restore the relationship, look for change and insist on seeing it implemented before moving forward. At the same time, don’t make unrealistic demands. Depending on the seriousness of the offense, you might reasonably expect the following responses from your partner:

1. A willingness to take personal responsibility for the damage done without shifting blame or adopting evasive tactics.
2. A determination to come up with a precise and definitive plan designed to prevent further offenses.
3. A commitment to join you in seeking Christian counseling. This would include an active resolve to sort through all problematic issues and to make all the necessary changes.
4. Patience and forbearance in allowing the wounded spouse the time necessary to heal without undue pressure.

Forgiveness, too, is a frequently misunderstood concept. Many people seem to believe that forgiving means one of the following:

1. Condoning or excusing the offense.
2. Forgetting past abuses or injustices.
3. Minimizing or justifying negative behavior.
4. Immediately trusting the offender again.

By way of contrast, true biblical forgiveness is not a matter of overlooking offenses or sweeping them under the rug. Instead it means:

1. Giving up unhealthy anger which is often expressed as bitterness, spite, rage, the “silent treatment,” or revenge.
2. Turning both the offender and the offense over to God for His righteous judgment.
3. Making a commitment to work through the issues together until the root causes of the problem have been identified and resolved.
4. Actively rebuilding the relationship, brick by brick, on a foundation of solid trust.

Remember: forgiveness is not optional for the Christian. God requires that you forgive your spouse – “for if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses” (Matthew 6:15). So “be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving one another just as God in Christ has forgiven you” (Ephesians 4:32). If this is a struggle for you, begin by asking the Lord to help you in those areas where you’re finding it difficult to forgive. Sin is the obvious reason we hurt each other, but it isn’t always easy to get to the practical heart of the matter. For helpful insight into this aspect of the problem, we’d highly recommend that you and your spouse get a copy of R.T. Kendall’s excellent book Total Forgiveness and study it from cover to cover.

We would strongly urge you and your spouse to discuss the concepts at length with a certified marriage counselor. Call us. We have a staff of trained Christian therapists who are available to consult with you over the phone. Our counselors can also provide you with a list of qualified professionals practicing in your area. They’ll be more than happy to assist you in any way they can.

Resources
If a title is currently unavailable through Focus on the Family, we encourage you to use another retailer.

Trust is the essential ingredient for leadership success.

As I’m driving into the office one Thursday a few years ago, I’m contemplating the agenda for my team meeting that morning. It dawns on me that it’s April 1st—April Fools Day. Being a guy who loves a good practical joke, I immediately start thinking about a prank I can pull on my team. The only idea that comes to mind is to tell the team I’m resigning. I figured people will immediately know I’m joking, we’ll all get a good laugh, and then we’ll go on our merry way. Boy, was I wrong.

I enlisted several co-conspirators to follow my lead and feign reactions of surprise and sadness when I made the announcement at the end of the meeting. What ensued were acting performances worthy of an Oscar. The net result was team members were shocked, angry, and felt betrayed by my callousness. One person got very emotional and stormed out of the meeting in tears. Why I thought that joke would be funny is beyond me. Instead of having a good laugh with my team, I had severely eroded their trust in me.

Over the next several days I met with team members one-on-one and together as a group. I followed these three basic steps to rebuild trust between us.

1. Acknowledge—As the 12-step recovery process has taught us, the first step in fixing a problem is to acknowledge you have one. When violations of trust occur, it is tempting to sweep the fallout under the rug and pretend it didn’t happen. Breaches of trust need to be met head-on and burying your head in the sand and pretending it doesn’t exist only makes the wound fester and become infected. It’s helpful to assess which of the four elements of trust has been eroded and then admit your mistakes. There are few trust-building behaviors more powerful than admitting and owning your mistakes. After your admission, let others express their feelings. Listen with empathy and understanding; don’t debate and argue.
2. Apologize—The second step in rebuilding trust is to apologize for your actions. This is a make it or break it moment in the process of rebuilding trust. If you apologize well, you set the course for healing and higher levels of trust in the future. If you botch the apology, you can dig yourself into an even deeper hole of hurt and dysfunction. Effective apologies have three basic components: admitting your fault, expressing remorse for the harm caused, and committing to repairing the damage. Check out The Most Successful Apologies Have These 8 Elements for more tips on apologizing.
3. Act—This is where the rubber hits the road in rebuilding trust. You can articulate the most awesome apology in the world, but the relationship will suffer permanent harm if you don’t change your behavior. The key success factor is to have a plan of action that is agreed upon with the person you offended. Outline how each of you will move forward in the relationship, what accountability looks like, and how you’ll know when the breach of trust has been repaired. The time it takes to repair trust is usually proportional to the severity of the offense.

Rebuilding trust in relationships requires us to be vulnerable and courageous. We have to acknowledge we did something wrong, apologize for our behavior, and act in ways that repair the damage we caused. However, the net result can be even stronger levels of trust. Relationships that have experienced the crucible of broken trust can come out stronger on the other side if both parties are willing to engage in this hard work to get to a place of healing and restoration.

What can a couple do to renew a sense of confidence in one another after many years of marriage that have included numerous painful circumstances requiring forgiveness on the part of both spouses? How can we restore trust to our relationship?

First be wary of clichés and pat answers that promise quick solutions to the problem you’re facing. By your own testimony, it’s taken many years to build the wall of bitterness and suspicion that now stands at the heart of your relationship. You can’t expect to tear it down in a single day. Restoring trust takes time. It’s a process that requires both an accurate understanding and an appropriate application of the principle of forgiveness. But you can’t begin to move in this direction until you know what the words ” trust” and “forgiveness” really mean.

Trust is something that has to be earned. It’s a mistake to assume that a person is worthy of trust simply because he’s expressed remorse and you’ve offered him forgiveness. That’s just the beginning. As has already been indicated, trust can be broken fairly quickly, but the rebuilding process can be lengthy and tedious. This is especially true where the offenses in question were unusually hurtful or if they’ve been repeated numerous times. When you’ve been wounded, it’s difficult to trust again unless you can see tangible evidence that things are going to be different in the future. So if you’re the spouse taking the initiative to restore the relationship, look for change and insist on seeing it implemented before moving forward. At the same time, don’t make unrealistic demands. Depending on the seriousness of the offense, you might reasonably expect the following responses from your partner:

1. A willingness to take personal responsibility for the damage done without shifting blame or adopting evasive tactics.
2. A determination to come up with a precise and definitive plan designed to prevent further offenses.
3. A commitment to join you in seeking Christian counseling. This would include an active resolve to sort through all problematic issues and to make all the necessary changes.
4. Patience and forbearance in allowing the wounded spouse the time necessary to heal without undue pressure.

Forgiveness, too, is a frequently misunderstood concept. Many people seem to believe that forgiving means one of the following:

1. Condoning or excusing the offense.
2. Forgetting past abuses or injustices.
3. Minimizing or justifying negative behavior.
4. Immediately trusting the offender again.

By way of contrast, true biblical forgiveness is not a matter of overlooking offenses or sweeping them under the rug. Instead it means:

1. Giving up unhealthy anger which is often expressed as bitterness, spite, rage, the “silent treatment,” or revenge.
2. Turning both the offender and the offense over to God for His righteous judgment.
3. Making a commitment to work through the issues together until the root causes of the problem have been identified and resolved.
4. Actively rebuilding the relationship, brick by brick, on a foundation of solid trust.

Remember: forgiveness is not optional for the Christian. God requires that you forgive your spouse – “for if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses” (Matthew 6:15). So “be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving one another just as God in Christ has forgiven you” (Ephesians 4:32). If this is a struggle for you, begin by asking the Lord to help you in those areas where you’re finding it difficult to forgive. Sin is the obvious reason we hurt each other, but it isn’t always easy to get to the practical heart of the matter. For helpful insight into this aspect of the problem, we’d highly recommend that you and your spouse get a copy of R.T. Kendall’s excellent book Total Forgiveness and study it from cover to cover.

We would strongly urge you and your spouse to discuss the concepts at length with a certified marriage counselor. Call us. We have a staff of trained Christian therapists who are available to consult with you over the phone. Our counselors can also provide you with a list of qualified professionals practicing in your area. They’ll be more than happy to assist you in any way they can.

Resources
If a title is currently unavailable through Focus on the Family, we encourage you to use another retailer.

Last Updated: January 19, 2021 References Approved

This article was co-authored by Amy Wong. Amy Eliza Wong is a Leadership and Transformational Coach and the Founder of Always on Purpose, a private practice for individuals and executives looking for help in increasing personal well-being and success and in transforming work cultures, developing leaders, and improving retention. With over 20 years of experience, Amy coaches one-on-one and conducts workshops and keynotes for businesses, medical practices, non-profits, and universities. Based in the San Francisco Bay Area, Amy is a regular instructor at Stanford Continuing Studies, holds an MA in Transpersonal Psychology from Sofia University, a certification in Transformational Life Coaching from Sofia University, and a certification in Conversational Intelligence from CreatingWE Institute.

There are 16 references cited in this article, which can be found at the bottom of the page.

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Maybe your spouse cheated on you, your best friend stabbed you in the back, or your co-worker took credit for your idea. On the other hand, maybe you lied to your sweetheart, stole the guy or girl your friend had an eye on, or failed to help a coworker or classmate on a crucial project. Trust between two people means that they can be vulnerable with each other. [1] X Research source Rousseau, D. M., Sitkin, S. B., Burt, R. S., & Camerer, C. (1998). Not so different after all: A cross-discipline view of trust. Academy of management review, 23(3), 393-404. Maintaining trust is very important to having satisfying relationships. [2] X Research source Simpson, J. A. (2007). Psychological foundations of trust. Current directions in psychological science, 16(5), 264-268. Losing trust is a two-way street, and so is rebuilding it. Both parties must want to work at rebuilding lost trust. Here’s what you need to do from both angles.

Addiction comes between couples, pushing them so far apart they lose sight of each other; all they can see is addiction. Long after the addict recovers, their partner still suffers. The pain of betrayal, the shock of their addicted partner’s reckless, destructive behavior cuts deep. Their biggest fear of all is that it will happen all over again. How can they ever regain trust?

What partners would understandably like is absolute assurances, which of course are impossible to give. Even with the best of intentions and strongest recovery, realistically relapse occurs, and that is a big part of the problem. Partners often have been handed a hundred promises of change from their addicted partner when they hit crisis, only to have those same promises smashed into a million pieces by their partner’s cravings for their drug of choice. They feel their partner has chosen their addiction over their relationship, love and loyalty. They are left feeling deeply hurt, disposable, unloved, and hyper vigilant to the next betrayal.

An issue for the addict in recovery is frustration. For their partner, the issue is fear.

Quote from a recovering addict: “I’ve had enough. No matter what I do she never believes that I’ve stopped. She watches every move I make, questions me all the time. I might as well be addicted again, if I’m going to be accused of it anyway!”

Quote from a partner of recovering addict: “He just says what he thinks I want to hear. I’ve heard it all before. If I trust him, I’m just leaving myself vulnerable and next time, and there will be a next time, there always is. I will be hurt all over again.”

The more hidden the addiction and the longer it continues before discovery, the more fearful the partner that it will start again, and that they will never know until they find devastating evidence. Gambling addiction, known as the hidden addiction, is a prime source of fear of secret relapse. Its lack of physical symptoms mean that the addicted partner might have been in action for years before it was discovered. The partner then has to deal with both the shock of discovering the addiction and that the person they loved, the life they lived, were to some extent a lie. We might add to the list of hidden addictions online addiction and addiction to gaming. ‘Binge addictions,’ where the addicted partner may be clean for months, then go AWOL for days, losing themselves in their drug of choice also leave partners feeling a need to always be on guard.

Partners often respond to the threat of invisible relapse by keeping the addict in recovery highly visible at all times. Hoping controlling their partner’s every move controls the relapse risk.

For the fearful partner, controlling the addicted partner in recovery can be a self fulfilling prophecy. For the person in recovery, frustration of not being trusted out of sight, being questioned constantly and given no room to build the rewarding and fulfilling life essential to recovery causes stress, anger and resentment at having little reward for the genuinely hard recovery work. These feelings can then drive the feared relapse.

Just as the person in recovery may distance themselves from the relationship problems by running back into their addiction, their partner may defend themselves against feared relapse by withdrawing physically and emotionally from the relationship. Addiction may be long gone, but its memories and imagined return build a wall of fear and frustration keeping the couple apart.

Taking down the wall that divides couples in recovery takes time, because it requires rebuilding trust.

Person in Recovery:

• Be patient. You know this really is it this time. You feel and think differently about recovery. It is frustrating that your partner is not moving at your pace. But remember they cannot read your thoughts or feel your feelings. If you have broken recovery promises previously, it will take them time to believe this really is different.
• Give them plenty of reasons to trust you. Behavior is hard evidence. Do what you say you will, when you say you will. Stay in a reasonable amount of contact when you are not together.
• Share your thoughts and feelings. You might be worried your partner will be scared you will relapse if you say you are having a hard day, but they may be reassured by your transparency. Remember secrecy is scary. Try to help your partner to understand what drove your addiction and how they can really help you stay in recovery.

Partner of Recovering Addict:

• Be patient. It will take time to trust again. Do not beat yourself up that you cannot just decide to feel trusting. To make a decision that you will try behave in a trusting way it is enough at first.
• Give you partner plenty of chances to prove they are now trustworthy. Step by step hand back some control for day to day responsibilities and responsibilities for your relationship. Each time your partner does not let you down you will feel a little more relaxed. Together you begin to build a new, strong foundation of trust in your relationship.
• Share your thoughts and feelings. It is okay to feel upset or angry; your partner’s addiction happened to you too. Many partners of addicted people get used to burying their own feelings so they can carry the burden of responsibility that their partner’s behavior hands them. Try to express your feelings in a way that your partner can understand and let them know how they can help you feel better. Try not to get too angry if your partner has a bad day; your support can mean they stay in sound recovery.

Being truly close means being together here and now, not living in fears from the past, or for the future. Remember you both have the same aim; the healthy recovery of your relationship.

• About
• Latest Posts

Liz Karter

Liz Karter is a specialist in addiction, author and speaker. Practicing since 2001 both with leading UK treatment agencies & in private practice, Liz has helped hundreds of men and women successfully move beyond addiction to rewarding lives.

Responding to the need for treatment to meet the needs of women who gamble, Liz established the first UK women’s groups for problem gambling in 2006. These highly successful groups still run through Liz’s independent practice, Level Ground.

With a great reputation for making sense of addiction in an approachable, plain English style, Liz has appeared in numerous national & international TV, radio & newsprint interviews including Al Jazeera America, BBC Breakfast News, BBC Radio & Sky News.

Along with many papers and articles, Liz is author of two books ‘Women and Problem Gambling: therapeutic insights into understanding addiction and treatment’ and ‘Working with Women’s Groups for Problem Gambling: treating gambling addiction through relationship’.

Addiction comes between couples, pushing them so far apart they lose sight of each other; all they can see is addiction. Long after the addict recovers, their partner still suffers. The pain of betrayal, the shock of their addicted partner’s reckless, destructive behavior cuts deep. Their biggest fear of all is that it will happen all over again. How can they ever regain trust?

What partners would understandably like is absolute assurances, which of course are impossible to give. Even with the best of intentions and strongest recovery, realistically relapse occurs, and that is a big part of the problem. Partners often have been handed a hundred promises of change from their addicted partner when they hit crisis, only to have those same promises smashed into a million pieces by their partner’s cravings for their drug of choice. They feel their partner has chosen their addiction over their relationship, love and loyalty. They are left feeling deeply hurt, disposable, unloved, and hyper vigilant to the next betrayal.

An issue for the addict in recovery is frustration. For their partner, the issue is fear.

Quote from a recovering addict: “I’ve had enough. No matter what I do she never believes that I’ve stopped. She watches every move I make, questions me all the time. I might as well be addicted again, if I’m going to be accused of it anyway!”

Quote from a partner of recovering addict: “He just says what he thinks I want to hear. I’ve heard it all before. If I trust him, I’m just leaving myself vulnerable and next time, and there will be a next time, there always is. I will be hurt all over again.”

The more hidden the addiction and the longer it continues before discovery, the more fearful the partner that it will start again, and that they will never know until they find devastating evidence. Gambling addiction, known as the hidden addiction, is a prime source of fear of secret relapse. Its lack of physical symptoms mean that the addicted partner might have been in action for years before it was discovered. The partner then has to deal with both the shock of discovering the addiction and that the person they loved, the life they lived, were to some extent a lie. We might add to the list of hidden addictions online addiction and addiction to gaming. ‘Binge addictions,’ where the addicted partner may be clean for months, then go AWOL for days, losing themselves in their drug of choice also leave partners feeling a need to always be on guard.

Partners often respond to the threat of invisible relapse by keeping the addict in recovery highly visible at all times. Hoping controlling their partner’s every move controls the relapse risk.

For the fearful partner, controlling the addicted partner in recovery can be a self fulfilling prophecy. For the person in recovery, frustration of not being trusted out of sight, being questioned constantly and given no room to build the rewarding and fulfilling life essential to recovery causes stress, anger and resentment at having little reward for the genuinely hard recovery work. These feelings can then drive the feared relapse.

Just as the person in recovery may distance themselves from the relationship problems by running back into their addiction, their partner may defend themselves against feared relapse by withdrawing physically and emotionally from the relationship. Addiction may be long gone, but its memories and imagined return build a wall of fear and frustration keeping the couple apart.

Taking down the wall that divides couples in recovery takes time, because it requires rebuilding trust.

Person in Recovery:

• Be patient. You know this really is it this time. You feel and think differently about recovery. It is frustrating that your partner is not moving at your pace. But remember they cannot read your thoughts or feel your feelings. If you have broken recovery promises previously, it will take them time to believe this really is different.
• Give them plenty of reasons to trust you. Behavior is hard evidence. Do what you say you will, when you say you will. Stay in a reasonable amount of contact when you are not together.
• Share your thoughts and feelings. You might be worried your partner will be scared you will relapse if you say you are having a hard day, but they may be reassured by your transparency. Remember secrecy is scary. Try to help your partner to understand what drove your addiction and how they can really help you stay in recovery.

Partner of Recovering Addict:

• Be patient. It will take time to trust again. Do not beat yourself up that you cannot just decide to feel trusting. To make a decision that you will try behave in a trusting way it is enough at first.
• Give you partner plenty of chances to prove they are now trustworthy. Step by step hand back some control for day to day responsibilities and responsibilities for your relationship. Each time your partner does not let you down you will feel a little more relaxed. Together you begin to build a new, strong foundation of trust in your relationship.
• Share your thoughts and feelings. It is okay to feel upset or angry; your partner’s addiction happened to you too. Many partners of addicted people get used to burying their own feelings so they can carry the burden of responsibility that their partner’s behavior hands them. Try to express your feelings in a way that your partner can understand and let them know how they can help you feel better. Try not to get too angry if your partner has a bad day; your support can mean they stay in sound recovery.

Being truly close means being together here and now, not living in fears from the past, or for the future. Remember you both have the same aim; the healthy recovery of your relationship.

• About
• Latest Posts

Liz Karter

Liz Karter is a specialist in addiction, author and speaker. Practicing since 2001 both with leading UK treatment agencies & in private practice, Liz has helped hundreds of men and women successfully move beyond addiction to rewarding lives.

Responding to the need for treatment to meet the needs of women who gamble, Liz established the first UK women’s groups for problem gambling in 2006. These highly successful groups still run through Liz’s independent practice, Level Ground.

With a great reputation for making sense of addiction in an approachable, plain English style, Liz has appeared in numerous national & international TV, radio & newsprint interviews including Al Jazeera America, BBC Breakfast News, BBC Radio & Sky News.

Along with many papers and articles, Liz is author of two books ‘Women and Problem Gambling: therapeutic insights into understanding addiction and treatment’ and ‘Working with Women’s Groups for Problem Gambling: treating gambling addiction through relationship’.

But, before we get ahead of ourselves, it’s crucial to first understand what trust actually means, and what it looks and feels like in the scope of a relationship. Beauchamp describes it as a feeling of commitment and faith—kind of like a big, warm hug. “Trust feels safe, comfortable, and secure,” she says. “You feel like you can consistently rely and depend on your partner in times of need. No matter what is up in the air, you have a safe foundation and somewhere to land.”

So with that in mind, take stock of whether you think you have a solid foundation of trust in your relationship. And if not? Keep reading for red flags and pro tips for how to rebuild trust that’s been lost.

Signs of lack of trust in a relationship

A lack of trust will look and feel different for every couple and in every relationship, but here are some signs signaling that the trust may have gone MIA.

1. You anxiously cling to your partner and never want to let them out of sight.
2. You don’t allow yourself to be vulnerable or to get close to someone out of fear of getting hurt.
3. You feel a big weight of uncertainty and insecurity.
4. You question the person’s actions and feel like they’re hiding something. You may even feel compelled to snoop through their texts or DMs.

How to rebuild trust in a relationship

1. Have a willingness to work on the relationship

Just as it takes two to tango, you can’t rebuild trust by yourself. “This means that the person who violated the trust is willing to demonstrate how they want to engage in the relationship and repair the brokenness,” says Lauren Cook, a marriage and family therapist. “The person whose trust was violated is also willing to forgive and make themselves vulnerable once more for a renewed connection.” So, the first step toward reconstructing trust is to simply check in and make sure both parties are on board and are willing to put in the work to make it happen.

2. Openly apologize

In addition to having willingness, rebuilding trust requires a heartfelt apology. “While it can be easy for the person who broke their partner’s trust to be defensive, this only aggravates the distress in the relationship,” Cook says. “Whether it’s a letter, a meaningful conversation, multiple conversations, or another way to express an apology, it’s important that the person expresses remorse and a desire to repair the relationship.”

3. Reflect on the experience

In order to reestablish confidence in the relationship, both partners must also take some time to introspect, gauge their emotional space, and extract a lesson from the experience. “Spend time reflecting on what it is that caused you or your partner pain,” Beauchamp says. “Reflect on the actions taken that broke the trust to begin with. What did it make you feel? How are you feeling now as a result of everything that happened?”

4. Create new memories

The next step is to work on creating new positive experiences together. “A positive experience will shift the energy for any couple,” Beauchamp says. “Do something that can make you laugh, smile, and reconnect in a positive way.” Cook adds that these new memories will instill hope in the relationship and remind both partners that they are capable of having happy interactions.

5. Remember that people can be trusted

When someone betrays your trust, it’s easy to question all of your relationships, romantic and otherwise. But, be mindful to not allow yourself to get caught in this negative spiral. “Look at your other relationships with family, friends, and other connections, and remind yourself that the majority of people want to be good and want to keep your trust,” Cook says.

6. Ask for what you need

Communication is key when you’re working on strengthening your relationship. That’s why Beauchamp recommends getting very honest with yourself about what you need your partner to do in order to regain trust. What would help you feel more supported and secure in the relationship? Once you identify this, communicate those needs clearly and openly with your partner.

7. Be willing to be vulnerable

There certainly is strength in vulnerability—especially in relationships. “Put your walls down and your ego aside,” Beauchamp says. “Vulnerability invites vulnerability and increases intimacy. Creating intimate moments will help support and rebuild what’s broken.”

8. Reignite the connection

Instead of viewing broken trust as a relationship speed bump, think of it as an opportunity for a fresh start. Beauchamp suggests using this opportunity to rekindle the flame between you and your partner. One way to do this is to learn each other’s love language (there’s a free quiz for that) and consciously giving each other what is necessary in order to feel fully loved, safe, and supported in the relationship.

9. Focus on the future

To leave the past behind you, both you and your partner must focus on what’s ahead rather than dwelling on past mistakes. Beauchamp’s advice is to have an open and honest conversation about how you both want to move forward into a new phase of your relationship. Design a vision of your future together and how you want it to be, and touch on both the short-term and long-term goals.