How to raise a confident child with grit
By Matthew Martinez
Grit, tenacity, resilience—these are the buzz words in parenting lately. Parents have been called out for producing a generation of children who are spoiled, entitled, and ill prepared to handle the realities of adulthood. Is this really true? Are we teaching our kids to think that life is heavy on reward and light on disappointment? And will our doted-on children really end up flailing in the grown-up world?
Many parenting experts say yes. Vicki Hoefle, author of Duct Tape Parenting: A Less Is More Approach to Raising Respectful, Responsible, and Resilient Kids, urges parents to step back and let children do things on their own. “It’s about becoming independent, developing resilience, making choices,” she says. “If a child enters the world with none of those skills, it’s like putting an infant on a big-kid playground.”
We’re not talking about putting kids in harm’s way, but about resisting the urge to smooth over every bump in life’s path for them. Trying and failing, even falling, teaches an important life lesson.
So, how do you raise kids with grit? Here are six strategies to try:
1. Try being quiet
The title of Hoefle’s book Duct Tape Parenting comes in part from her advice to step back and give your kids the space to solve their problems without jumping in – to zip your lip, in other words . How much experience can a kid get, after all, if mom is always shouting, “Don’t swing too high,” “Don’t put that in your mouth,” “Don’t do that, it’s dangerous.” When you can, when it’s safe, hold your tongue and just watch.
2. Notice your reactions
Pay attention to what’s triggering your tendency to do things for your children. Is it coming from your own fear, anxiety, or guilt? Fear that your children will not measure up, fear they might have a traumatizing failure as you once did? Anxiety that other parents might judge you or your kids?
Trusting your child with inviting a new friend over, or giving her ownership of her first book report, without help from Mom and Dad, is a great way to teach her the relationship between effort and reward. You might also have the very satisfying experience of seeing how skilled your child has become.
3. Let them struggle
Hoefle calls this “sitting on your hands.” Resist the urge to pick your child up after a minor fall, to smooth over every frustration. Give them time to find their own solutions. Nine times out of 10, when there’s no adult jumping in to determine whose turn it is on the swing, children will figure something out themselves.
4. Encourage them, even if they do it “wrong”
When you’re rushing, you want it done now and you want it done right. But when your kids show interest in feeding themselves, getting in the car seat without help, getting dressed, or even making toast, give them a chance to try, mess up, and try again. “You’ll go a long way in laying the groundwork necessary for raising a capable and responsible young person,” Hoefle says.
5. Leave room for emotion
One minute, we’re trying to protect children from getting hurt. The next minute, when they do get hurt, we tell them to be tough and not cry. “Kids get mixed messages,” Hoefle says: “Be careful, but don’t be a baby.”
Other emotions also get quashed. “Expressing feelings is just as important for development as hopscotch,” says Hoefle. Children need to be given room to lash out, even say “I hate you” sometimes. “It’s not helpful to overprotect your child from emotional upsets or give the message that negative feelings are bad.” The next time you have the urge to console your child when she cries out of frustration, or shush her when she shouts in anger, take a minute to consider how you would feel if you were genuinely upset and someone told you to calm down.
6. Trust yourself to find the balance
If you’re struggling between doing too much for your child and being downright inattentive, remember it’s not all or nothing. There will be plenty of times when it is absolutely appropriate to assist and support your children socially and emotionally. You know your child better than anyone, and not all help is coddling.
People have been talking about confidence and how it affects the overall personality of a child and what parents can do to make their children confident individuals. So, what does ‘confidence’ mean? It is nothing but a way in which you can make your child feel that they have the ability to achieve what they desire. Confidence and trust are the two sides of the same coin; both play an essential role in developing self-esteem in children. Every child is unique and their uniqueness comes from the environment which nurtures their overall personality. Parents are the first teachers and role model for a child; they are the one who undertakes the task of shaping their entire personality and instilling confidence. A confident child has the ability to learn more and attain more, they are also considered to be happy lots compared to a child suffering from low confidence. So, what parents need to do to achieve the complex task of confidence-building?
1. Shower love- Parents love their children from the bottom of their heart and truly it’s the most important feeling the child nurtures throughout its life. Always make your child feel loved, this emotion will make them realize that they are being valued and cared for. A loving family, friends, and society are what make a person feel happy and confident. If a situation arises when you have ignored or scolded the child, say sorry and make the child realize that you still love them. There is no substitute for unconditional love and a strong base of confidence is built on that.
2. Be a role model – Children imitate people around them, they pick up their language, thought process and behavior. Parents need to showcase confidence in their behavior and encourage children to follow the same. Instead of discouraging them to take up a new task, motivate them to try new things and complete the task. Uses of words like “You can do it “, can work wonders in building confidence in children and boosting their morale.
3. Applaud them– Who doesn’t like being complimented. Children also look up to their parents for commendation, when a task is well achieved. The praise makes them develop a sense of worthiness, which builds up their confidence levels. Here, the parents need to be careful also, unrealistic praise or too much praise can make the child overconfident which can affect the thought process of the child.
4. Handling setbacks– Parents are the ones who can teach children the theory of “Failures is the pillars to success”. Whether it’s sports or academics children might not achieve desired outcomes and feel low about the same. It is vital to teach them that you can’t be successful in everything and failures are part of life. The mantra lies in trying rather than giving up. Help the child in realizing that there is no need to feel bad about the failure, the hurdles in life are teachings that subsequently can be used to achieve success. This way the child will feel more confident and will be proud of its accomplishments in the future.
5. Give them independence– It is good to be protective about your child, but occasionally giving them the freedom to try out new things like day trips, excursions, with classmates and friends will broaden their horizon and the ability to figure out things independently. The safety issues, although needs to be addressed. The children who are self-confident are open to trying out new things and never fear failure. The sense of adventure will give those new learning experiences and confidence.
6. Discipline your home– Every house has certain rules that are followed by one and all in the family. Children might feel that the rules are strict, but gradually they will come to know what is acceptable and what is unacceptable in the family. The discipline in the house will make the child develop a sense of security and confidence and in the future, the child will become more responsible.
7. Reality check– Children often set unrealistic goals for themselves, which when not achieved, shatters their confidence level. Parents are the one who knows the caliber of their children. Guiding your child to lay down realistic goals for oneself will save the child from a lot of distress and make the child aware of its strength and weakness. The focus should primarily be on improvement rather than winning.
8. Help at hand– Children are most comfortable when they are in a secure environment and in the company of their most beloved people- their parents. Carrying out different household activities together like asking them to help in the kitchen, setting the table, or baking a cake helps them in building their competency which boosts their confidence levels. The feeling of contribution boosts their self-esteem and makes them feel valuable and happy.
9. Encourage them to try new things– Encourage your child to explore and develop new skills. Don’t let them settle in their comfort zone, rather encourage them to try out new activities where they feel challenged. This helps build confidence in your child with the ability to tackle any situation in life.
10. Set realistic goals– When you set large and small goals for your child, they feel strong when they accomplish them. Encourage your child to make a list of what they would like to achieve. Then break down long-term goals in smaller realistic benchmarks. In doing so, you will help your child learn new skills while on the journey of achieving the goal.
11. Practice positive talks with them– While conversing with your child, always use positive affirmations. Negative talks, such as “What’s wrong with you?” “You are not good at this.” is damaging to your child’s confidence levels.
12. Play with them and let them lead– When you engage in play in an activity led by your child, you are making them feel important and worthy of your time. The child feels valuable, accomplished, and hence more confident.
13. Ask them for their opinions and answers– When you ask children for their opinion or advice on age-appropriate matters, it shows that you value their ideas. This helps in building confidence.
14. Create opportunities to help them discover things about themselves– You need to create opportunities for your children to discover their passions and interests. Help and support them to explore various activities while they discover where their interest lies. When children do something which they like, they automatically excel at it, and that boosts their self-confidence.
How PlanetSparkHelps in Developing a Confident Child?
PlanetSpark offers comprehensive life skills training program for kids. It provides coaching on various aspects of building self-confidence and personality development. Essential life skills are taught in a fun environment through courses mentioned below:
People have been talking about confidence and how it affects the overall personality of a child and what parents can do to make their children confident individuals. So, what does ‘confidence’ mean? It is nothing but a way in which you can make your child feel that they have the ability to achieve what they desire. Confidence and trust are the two sides of the same coin; both play an essential role in developing self-esteem in children. Every child is unique and their uniqueness comes from the environment which nurtures their overall personality. Parents are the first teachers and role model for a child; they are the one who undertakes the task of shaping their entire personality and instilling confidence. A confident child has the ability to learn more and attain more, they are also considered to be happy lots compared to a child suffering from low confidence. So, what parents need to do to achieve the complex task of confidence-building?
1. Shower love- Parents love their children from the bottom of their heart and truly it’s the most important feeling the child nurtures throughout its life. Always make your child feel loved, this emotion will make them realize that they are being valued and cared for. A loving family, friends, and society are what make a person feel happy and confident. If a situation arises when you have ignored or scolded the child, say sorry and make the child realize that you still love them. There is no substitute for unconditional love and a strong base of confidence is built on that.
2. Be a role model – Children imitate people around them, they pick up their language, thought process and behavior. Parents need to showcase confidence in their behavior and encourage children to follow the same. Instead of discouraging them to take up a new task, motivate them to try new things and complete the task. Uses of words like “You can do it “, can work wonders in building confidence in children and boosting their morale.
3. Applaud them– Who doesn’t like being complimented. Children also look up to their parents for commendation, when a task is well achieved. The praise makes them develop a sense of worthiness, which builds up their confidence levels. Here, the parents need to be careful also, unrealistic praise or too much praise can make the child overconfident which can affect the thought process of the child.
4. Handling setbacks– Parents are the ones who can teach children the theory of “Failures is the pillars to success”. Whether it’s sports or academics children might not achieve desired outcomes and feel low about the same. It is vital to teach them that you can’t be successful in everything and failures are part of life. The mantra lies in trying rather than giving up. Help the child in realizing that there is no need to feel bad about the failure, the hurdles in life are teachings that subsequently can be used to achieve success. This way the child will feel more confident and will be proud of its accomplishments in the future.
5. Give them independence– It is good to be protective about your child, but occasionally giving them the freedom to try out new things like day trips, excursions, with classmates and friends will broaden their horizon and the ability to figure out things independently. The safety issues, although needs to be addressed. The children who are self-confident are open to trying out new things and never fear failure. The sense of adventure will give those new learning experiences and confidence.
6. Discipline your home– Every house has certain rules that are followed by one and all in the family. Children might feel that the rules are strict, but gradually they will come to know what is acceptable and what is unacceptable in the family. The discipline in the house will make the child develop a sense of security and confidence and in the future, the child will become more responsible.
7. Reality check– Children often set unrealistic goals for themselves, which when not achieved, shatters their confidence level. Parents are the one who knows the caliber of their children. Guiding your child to lay down realistic goals for oneself will save the child from a lot of distress and make the child aware of its strength and weakness. The focus should primarily be on improvement rather than winning.
8. Help at hand– Children are most comfortable when they are in a secure environment and in the company of their most beloved people- their parents. Carrying out different household activities together like asking them to help in the kitchen, setting the table, or baking a cake helps them in building their competency which boosts their confidence levels. The feeling of contribution boosts their self-esteem and makes them feel valuable and happy.
9. Encourage them to try new things– Encourage your child to explore and develop new skills. Don’t let them settle in their comfort zone, rather encourage them to try out new activities where they feel challenged. This helps build confidence in your child with the ability to tackle any situation in life.
10. Set realistic goals– When you set large and small goals for your child, they feel strong when they accomplish them. Encourage your child to make a list of what they would like to achieve. Then break down long-term goals in smaller realistic benchmarks. In doing so, you will help your child learn new skills while on the journey of achieving the goal.
11. Practice positive talks with them– While conversing with your child, always use positive affirmations. Negative talks, such as “What’s wrong with you?” “You are not good at this.” is damaging to your child’s confidence levels.
12. Play with them and let them lead– When you engage in play in an activity led by your child, you are making them feel important and worthy of your time. The child feels valuable, accomplished, and hence more confident.
13. Ask them for their opinions and answers– When you ask children for their opinion or advice on age-appropriate matters, it shows that you value their ideas. This helps in building confidence.
14. Create opportunities to help them discover things about themselves– You need to create opportunities for your children to discover their passions and interests. Help and support them to explore various activities while they discover where their interest lies. When children do something which they like, they automatically excel at it, and that boosts their self-confidence.
How PlanetSparkHelps in Developing a Confident Child?
PlanetSpark offers comprehensive life skills training program for kids. It provides coaching on various aspects of building self-confidence and personality development. Essential life skills are taught in a fun environment through courses mentioned below:
Teaching your kids to be resilient is key to boosting their self-esteem.
Your encouraging words can help develop your child’s confidence.
Wouldn’t it be nice if we could all raise kids with the confidence, spunk and compassion of Little Orphan Annie? Sure, most children won’t have to befriend and care for fellow orphans, outsmart a cold-hearted orphanage matron, survive life on the streets or win the heart of billionaire “Daddy” Warbucks. But all children face some hard knocks, and it’s important to equip them with enough confidence to not only survive, but thrive.
Because it’s a tough time to be a kid. The teen suicide rate is soaring. More than one out of every five students say they’ve been bullied. Pressure for kids to achieve academically is at an all-time high. That’s why bolstering your child’s self-esteem is so essential.
Self-confidence comes from a sense of competence. A confident child needs a positive and realistic perception of his or her abilities. This arises out of achievements, great and small. Your encouraging words can help develop this confidence, especially when you refer to your child’s specific efforts or abilities.
Here are 10 tips to help build self-confidence in your child:
1. Love your child. This seems obvious, but it’s probably the most important thing you can give your child. Even if you do it imperfectly—and who doesn’t?—always dole out plenty of love. Your child needs to feel accepted and loved, beginning with the family and extending to other groups such as friends, schoolmates, sports teams, and community. If you yell or ignore or make some other parenting mistake, give your child a hug and tell her you’re sorry and you love her. Unconditional love builds a strong foundation for confidence.
2. Give praise where praise is due. It’s important to give your child praise and positive feedback because children—especially young ones—measure their worth and achievements by what you think. But be realistic in your praise. If a child fails at something or shows no talent at a particular skill, praise the effort, but don’t unrealistically praise the results. Reassure your child that it’s OK not to be able to do everything perfectly. Tell him that some things take repeated effort and practice—and sometimes it’s OK to move on after you’ve given your best effort.
3. Help your child set realistic goals. When your child is starting out in soccer, it’s fine for her to think she’ll eventually be on the Olympic team. But if she fails to make the varsity team in high school and still thinks she’s an Olympic-caliber player, then she needs to focus on more realistic goals. Guide your child to set reasonable goals to help avoid feelings of failure. If the goal is a stretch, discuss some reachable short-term steps along the path.
4. Model self-love and positive self-talk. You must love yourself before you can teach your child to love him or herself. You can model this behavior by rewarding and praising yourself when you do well. Whether you run a marathon, get a promotion at work or throw a successful dinner party, celebrate your successes with your children. Talk about the skills and talents and efforts needed for you to achieve those accomplishments. In the same conversation, you can remind your child of the skills he or she possesses and how they can be developed and used.
5. Teach resilience. No one succeeds at everything all the time. There will be setbacks and failures, criticism and pain. Use these hurdles as learning experiences rather than dwelling on the events as failures or disappointments. The old adage, “Try, try, try again,” has merit, especially in teaching kids not to give up. But, it’s also important to validate your child’s feelings rather than saying, “Oh, just cheer up,” or, “You shouldn’t feel so bad.” This helps children learn to trust their feelings and feel comfortable sharing them. Children will learn that setbacks are a normal part of life and can be managed. If your child does poorly on a test, don’t smother him with pity or tell him that he’ll never be a good reader. Instead, talk about what steps he can take to do better next time. When he does succeed, he will take pride in his accomplishment.
6. Instill independence and adventure. Self-confident children are willing to try new things without fear of failure. With younger children, you will need to supervise from the sidelines. Set up situations where she can do things for herself and make sure the situation is safe—but then give her space. For example, demonstrate how to make a sandwich and then let her try it on her own, without your hovering or intervening. Encourage exploration, whether it’s a trip to a new park or new foods at mealtime. Day trips and outings, new hobbies, vacations and trips with teammates or schoolmates can all expand your child’s horizons and build confidence in her ability to handle new situations.
7. Encourage sports or other physical activities. No longer the sole domain of boys, sports help girls and boys build confidence. They learn that they can practice, improve and achieve goals. Other benefits: they learn to recognize their strengths, accept or strengthen their weaknesses, handle defeat, expand their circle of friends and learn teamwork. Another confidence-boosting bonus: they stay fit and learn to respect their bodies. Try to find a physical activity that he or she enjoys, whether it’s dance, martial arts, biking or hiking.
8. Support their pursuit of a passion. Everyone excels at something, and it’s great when your child discovers that something. As a parent, respect and encourage your child’s interests—even if they don’t interest you. Praise your child when they accomplish something in their budding pursuits. If your son’s talent is playing guitar in a band, support his interest, as long as it doesn’t interfere with responsibilities like schoolwork. This doesn’t mean you give free reign for your teenager to stay out all night or smoke pot in your garage, which brings us to the next tip.
9. Set rules and be consistent. Children are more confident when they know who is in charge and what to expect. Even if your child thinks your rules are too strict, she will have confidence in what she can and can’t do when you set rules and enforce them consistently. Every household will have different rules, and they will change over time based on your child’s age. Whatever your household rules, be clear on what is important in your family. Learning and following rules gives children a sense of security and confidence. As children get older they may have more input on rules and responsibilities. But, it’s important to remember that you are the parent—not a best friend. Someday when your child is feeling peer pressure, he or she may appreciate having the foundation and confidence to say, “No, I can’t do that.”
10. Coach relationship skills. Confidence in relationships is key to your child’s self-confidence. The most important initial relationship is the loving parent-child relationship. But as your child’s social circle expands, you will help her see how her actions affect others—and help her learn to maintain an inner core of confidence when someone else’s actions affect her. As a parent, it’s not your role to “fix” every situation, but rather to teach your child the compassion, kindness, self-assertiveness and, yes, confidence to handle the ups and downs of relationships.
Encourage your kids. It’s what you’re there for. Chinnapong/Shutterstock
By Rachel Premack
- One of the most important parts of parenting is showing a child how to be confident.
- But you may be confused as to how to raise a child who has high self-esteem.
- It starts with complimenting their efforts, talking openly about their emotions, and letting them know it’s okay to make mistakes.
Confidence is one of the greatest gifts a parent can give their child.
Carl Pickhardt, a psychologist and author of 15 parenting books, told Business Insider that a kid who lacks confidence will be reluctant to try new or challenging things because they’re scared of failing or disappointing others.
This can end up holding them back later in life and prevent them from having a successful career.
“The enemies of confidence are discouragement and fear,” he told Business Insider.
Luckily, confidence is something you can encourage even in a child’s earliest years. With “emotional coaching,” Terri Apter, psychologist and author of seven books on family, wrote that parents can raise children who are comfortable with solving problems, managing their emotions, and socializing.
Here are 21 more tips for raising a confident child, from Pickhardt, Apter, and other child psychologists.
Appreciate effort no matter if they win or lose
Applauding your child’s effort is more important than what they actually did, Pickhardt said.
Whether they manage to score the winning goal or kick it out of bounds, your child shouldn’t be embarrassed for trying.
“Over the long haul, consistently trying hard builds more confidence than intermittently doing well,” he said.
Encourage practice to build competence
DibaniMedia/Shutterstock
Encourage your child to invest lots of time in whatever it is they’re interested in, Pickhardt said. As they improve at the task at hand, they’ll become more confident in their growing abilities.
Don’t distinguish between activities that seem practical, like building robots, over, say, starting a rock band. Discouraging certain activities over others can make a child feel like their interests aren’t important.
Let them figure out problems by themselves
Monkey Business Images/Shutterstock
If you do the hard work for your child, they’ll never develop the abilities or the confidence to figure out problems on their own.
“Parental help can prevent confidence derived from self-help and figuring out on the child’s own,” Pickhardt said.
In other words, better that your child gets a few B’s and C’s rather than straight A’s, so long as they are actually learning how to solve the problems and do the work.
Help them understand that they can’t be friends with everyone
“If one relationship doesn’t work out, then others will because I am generally capable of making good friends, and I’ll keep succeeding in the future.”
This is one of the core beliefs of a confident child, Apter wrote in “The Confident Child: Raising Children to Believe in Themselves.”
Note that it’s not an assumption that everyone will love them and want to be their friend, but rather that they will get along with some people and not with others. It’s okay if a friendship doesn’t pan out.
Encourage curiosity
woodleywonderworks/Flickr
Sometimes a child’s endless stream of questions can be tiresome, but Paul Harris of Harvard University said it’s important for a child’s development.
“The child has to first realise that there are things they don’t know . that there are invisible worlds of knowledge they have never visited,” Harris, who studies developmental psychology, told The Guardian.
And curiosity is linked to the development of self-confidence, as well as other traits like persistence, self-control, grit, and conscientiousness, as Paul Tough wrote in the book “How Children Succeed.”
Raising resilient children with grit isn’t easy but it can be done.
According to the US Department of Education, grit is one of the key skills children need to succeed in the 21 st century.
“Grit, what in the world is GRIT?” you ask…
More importantly, did you notice that researchers did not identify beauty, brains or talent to be the important traits to have? (In case you haven’t noticed, society and parents often give a lot of credit to those who hold A, B and C).
So what exactly is grit?
Grit, in a nutshell, is having courage, a backbone, spirit, strength of character, strength of will, moral fibre, fortitude, resolve, determination, perseverance, endurance, guts and spunk.
In short it is defined as having the following qualities:
-The ability to persevere in the face of challenges and setbacks. Put simply, it means the art of never, ever giving up!
-It is when a person is able to identify the right strategies and tactics to assess the situation and apply the right tools to improve that situation.
-It is having the WILLPOWER to look beyond the short-term issues and focus more on the long-term goals. That is, short term pain for long term gain.
Grit is actually quite similar to resilience and thankfully this human capacity to face, overcome and ultimately be strengthened by life’s adversities and challenges is something that is actually LEARNABLE.
Yes you heard right. Grit is TEACHABLE.
If you have a child who shows little signs of grit, all is not lost.
Grit isn’t something that you either have or don’t have – as parents we can help instill this quality in our children.
To help your child develop GRIT you can do these things:
1 Model an optimistic mindset
2 Praise them effectively
3 Help them cope appropriately with setbacks, disappointments and failure.
Most importantly, you need to ENCOURAGE, ENCOURAGE and ENCOURAGE more for your kids to do well.
Encouraging your child will keep him or her feeling more positive and motivated and creates the perfect foundation for living a resilient life.
As your children grow older, this regular act of speaking with positivity and the attitude of “never giving up” will eventually become their inner voice and natural way of coping with challenges.
As Angela Duckworth stated: Grit is sticking with your future day in, and day on and not just for the week, not just for the month but for years, and working really hard to make that future your reality.
Having grit or a growth mindset means you embrace challenges, give your best effort, learn from feedback and become inspired by other people’s successes.
To the contrary, a person with a fixed mindset tends to avoid challenges, gives up easily and is threatened or upset by feedback and mistakes.
Put simply:
G – GIVE IT YOUR ALL
R – REDO IT IF NECESSARY
I – IGNORE GIVING UP
T – TAKE THE TIME TO DO IT RIGHT
TOP TEN TIPS FOR PARENTS
1 Don’t accommodate your child’s every need or be a helicopter parent
2 Let them make mistakes and encourage your children to learn from them
3 Don’t speak as if everything is a catastrophic disaster
4 Give your child the emotional support they need to reach their goals – encouragement, empathy and love.
5 Provide your child with concrete support too – help them find ways to achieve their goals, show them how to break down the big goal into smaller steps.
6 Manage your expectations – don’t expect perfection from your children! You make mistakes too right, and newsflash, you aren’t perfect either
7 Build your child’s confidence by allowing them to tackle and master manageable, age-appropriate tasks.
8 Encourage your child to solve small problems – start with the easy problems first instead of giving them difficult or unsolvable ones that will just overwhelm them
9 Don’t set your child up for failure.
10 Praise their hard work and effort, not just the end result
Here are some more great tips on how to raise your child to be more confident.
To measure just how gritty you or your child is click here
- If you are curious about how you can make your life instantly better, I have a great cheatsheet here for you.
- I have written and created over 20 books and courses on parenting and self-development. You can check them out hereat my INSPIRING LIFE SCHOOL
- If you want to improve your parenting skills dramatically check out BE A BETTER PARENT IN 30 DAYS.
- You can check out my list of favorite things here and must-read self-help books here.
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- Finally if you want to stay in touch feel free to join our INSPIRING LIFE TRIBE for your weekly dose of inspiration. The mere fact that you are here right now means you would be perfect fit!
With a degree in psychology and diploma in journalism, Frances Vidakovic is an author of 21 books, certified life coach and course creator. She now focuses on creating exceptional parenting and self-development content, designed to help moms live their best life possible. Frances has been featured on various platforms, including Scary Mommy, Thrive Global, Medium and SBS Radio.
The term “strawberry generation” is one of the very common terms used to describe millennials. A friend of mine who is in HR always joke that interviewing the millennials they’ll have a different set of tricks to know them better – especially those where needed their parents to be there for their interview. I say they need, instead of their parents wants to follow, simply because, they’re grown up and if they didn’t want their parents to be there, they would have successfully ensure their parents stay home.
What can we do as parents to build a confident, resilience child with grit?
I always says that we are all born with zero knowledge. Me, you and the person next to you, we are all born with zero knowledge, however, we could all have very different attitudes. What set us all differently is also how we all react to a situation. Since we are all born with zero knowledge, lets discuss about the failure as a child, and the reaction from the parents.
Scenarios: A 3 year old child climbs up to the staircase in the playground.
Parent A: Standing at the side, supporting the child up.
Parent B: Cheering for the child to go up unsupported, but standing really close by.
Parent C: Told her child to be safe, and explain how they can be safe, give him a kiss and tell him that Mummy will be sitting by the bench looking at him.
While Parent A could be applaud for their attentiveness, however, are we raising our child to be confident and resilience?
If one needed to give word of encouragement to their kids, it can be easily done after the playground with telling him how proud she is that he is able to independently keeping himself safe, how he could improve and what she thinks he did amazingly.
Now our top 3 tips to grow a Confidence, Resilience child with Grit
1| Be a life coach not a control freak
Realised how teachers are actually coaches? They flourish and develop a kid to work independently, but they will never do things for them. One of the key traits that parents commonly do is that out of love, they do things for the kids. Sometimes a simple act of putting on toothpaste for a child, which yes, you could be doing it because you want to avoid the mess – but think about the gross motor skills they develop, the independence and allowing your child to take charge of their life. Be their coach, tell them their life options and how each options differ, and let them learn to decide what to do.
I know I was being judge a lot for allowing my child to eat themselves. I did baby led weaning for all my kids, but as soon as they start using fork and spoons, some cringe seeing how messy they are eating themselves. However, do you realised that be it 1 year old, 2 years old or even 5 years old – the first time they eat themselves, it will always be messy?? So, let your kids to be independent as early as possible.
2| As OCD as you are, perfect work is not a good work
Want to really get your hands on helping your child to colour inside the line? Or help you child with their homework? DON’T DO IT. Expose them to the real world that they will be judge on their work and the consequences of not doing their homework. Constant intervention to “improves” their work not only breaks their confidence that they’re work are not good enough, this will prevent him from learning it.
So instead of it, back to point one, take an empty paper, draw out something, and colour inside the line and make another similar drawings and colour outside the line. Ask him or her which looks nicer. Let them make the decision. Even if they think that the one colour outside the line is better. Be a coach, not a control freak.
3| Create sustainable challenges, and let them have a feel of achievement
Kids learn best by experiencing success – their achievement. However, always create sustainable challenges. If your child just learn how to hold pencil, don’t expect them to be able to write A to Z the next day. Having sustainable challenges and celebrating small achievement is where they develop their confidence. Time to time, allow them to fail. Failure is good for kids, as it builds resilience. Resilience comes not from failing itself, but from the experience of learning that you can pick yourself up, try again and again, and finally succeed. Always remember to coach them. Let them put on their thinking skills what went wrong, what are the different options they can do to achieve success and let them make their own decision. Knowing that the parents would be there to support them, is all they need.
People have been talking about confidence and how it affects the overall personality of a child and what parents can do to make their children confident individuals. So, what does ‘confidence’ mean? It is nothing but a way in which you can make your child feel that they have the ability to achieve what they desire. Confidence and trust are the two sides of the same coin; both play an essential role in developing self-esteem in children. Every child is unique and their uniqueness comes from the environment which nurtures their overall personality. Parents are the first teachers and role model for a child; they are the one who undertakes the task of shaping their entire personality and instilling confidence. A confident child has the ability to learn more and attain more, they are also considered to be happy lots compared to a child suffering from low confidence. So, what parents need to do to achieve the complex task of confidence-building?
1. Shower love- Parents love their children from the bottom of their heart and truly it’s the most important feeling the child nurtures throughout its life. Always make your child feel loved, this emotion will make them realize that they are being valued and cared for. A loving family, friends, and society are what make a person feel happy and confident. If a situation arises when you have ignored or scolded the child, say sorry and make the child realize that you still love them. There is no substitute for unconditional love and a strong base of confidence is built on that.
2. Be a role model – Children imitate people around them, they pick up their language, thought process and behavior. Parents need to showcase confidence in their behavior and encourage children to follow the same. Instead of discouraging them to take up a new task, motivate them to try new things and complete the task. Uses of words like “You can do it “, can work wonders in building confidence in children and boosting their morale.
3. Applaud them– Who doesn’t like being complimented. Children also look up to their parents for commendation, when a task is well achieved. The praise makes them develop a sense of worthiness, which builds up their confidence levels. Here, the parents need to be careful also, unrealistic praise or too much praise can make the child overconfident which can affect the thought process of the child.
4. Handling setbacks– Parents are the ones who can teach children the theory of “Failures is the pillars to success”. Whether it’s sports or academics children might not achieve desired outcomes and feel low about the same. It is vital to teach them that you can’t be successful in everything and failures are part of life. The mantra lies in trying rather than giving up. Help the child in realizing that there is no need to feel bad about the failure, the hurdles in life are teachings that subsequently can be used to achieve success. This way the child will feel more confident and will be proud of its accomplishments in the future.
5. Give them independence– It is good to be protective about your child, but occasionally giving them the freedom to try out new things like day trips, excursions, with classmates and friends will broaden their horizon and the ability to figure out things independently. The safety issues, although needs to be addressed. The children who are self-confident are open to trying out new things and never fear failure. The sense of adventure will give those new learning experiences and confidence.
6. Discipline your home– Every house has certain rules that are followed by one and all in the family. Children might feel that the rules are strict, but gradually they will come to know what is acceptable and what is unacceptable in the family. The discipline in the house will make the child develop a sense of security and confidence and in the future, the child will become more responsible.
7. Reality check– Children often set unrealistic goals for themselves, which when not achieved, shatters their confidence level. Parents are the one who knows the caliber of their children. Guiding your child to lay down realistic goals for oneself will save the child from a lot of distress and make the child aware of its strength and weakness. The focus should primarily be on improvement rather than winning.
8. Help at hand– Children are most comfortable when they are in a secure environment and in the company of their most beloved people- their parents. Carrying out different household activities together like asking them to help in the kitchen, setting the table, or baking a cake helps them in building their competency which boosts their confidence levels. The feeling of contribution boosts their self-esteem and makes them feel valuable and happy.
9. Encourage them to try new things– Encourage your child to explore and develop new skills. Don’t let them settle in their comfort zone, rather encourage them to try out new activities where they feel challenged. This helps build confidence in your child with the ability to tackle any situation in life.
10. Set realistic goals– When you set large and small goals for your child, they feel strong when they accomplish them. Encourage your child to make a list of what they would like to achieve. Then break down long-term goals in smaller realistic benchmarks. In doing so, you will help your child learn new skills while on the journey of achieving the goal.
11. Practice positive talks with them– While conversing with your child, always use positive affirmations. Negative talks, such as “What’s wrong with you?” “You are not good at this.” is damaging to your child’s confidence levels.
12. Play with them and let them lead– When you engage in play in an activity led by your child, you are making them feel important and worthy of your time. The child feels valuable, accomplished, and hence more confident.
13. Ask them for their opinions and answers– When you ask children for their opinion or advice on age-appropriate matters, it shows that you value their ideas. This helps in building confidence.
14. Create opportunities to help them discover things about themselves– You need to create opportunities for your children to discover their passions and interests. Help and support them to explore various activities while they discover where their interest lies. When children do something which they like, they automatically excel at it, and that boosts their self-confidence.
How PlanetSparkHelps in Developing a Confident Child?
PlanetSpark offers comprehensive life skills training program for kids. It provides coaching on various aspects of building self-confidence and personality development. Essential life skills are taught in a fun environment through courses mentioned below:
Teaching your kids to be resilient is key to boosting their self-esteem.
Your encouraging words can help develop your child’s confidence.
Wouldn’t it be nice if we could all raise kids with the confidence, spunk and compassion of Little Orphan Annie? Sure, most children won’t have to befriend and care for fellow orphans, outsmart a cold-hearted orphanage matron, survive life on the streets or win the heart of billionaire “Daddy” Warbucks. But all children face some hard knocks, and it’s important to equip them with enough confidence to not only survive, but thrive.
Because it’s a tough time to be a kid. The teen suicide rate is soaring. More than one out of every five students say they’ve been bullied. Pressure for kids to achieve academically is at an all-time high. That’s why bolstering your child’s self-esteem is so essential.
Self-confidence comes from a sense of competence. A confident child needs a positive and realistic perception of his or her abilities. This arises out of achievements, great and small. Your encouraging words can help develop this confidence, especially when you refer to your child’s specific efforts or abilities.
Here are 10 tips to help build self-confidence in your child:
1. Love your child. This seems obvious, but it’s probably the most important thing you can give your child. Even if you do it imperfectly—and who doesn’t?—always dole out plenty of love. Your child needs to feel accepted and loved, beginning with the family and extending to other groups such as friends, schoolmates, sports teams, and community. If you yell or ignore or make some other parenting mistake, give your child a hug and tell her you’re sorry and you love her. Unconditional love builds a strong foundation for confidence.
2. Give praise where praise is due. It’s important to give your child praise and positive feedback because children—especially young ones—measure their worth and achievements by what you think. But be realistic in your praise. If a child fails at something or shows no talent at a particular skill, praise the effort, but don’t unrealistically praise the results. Reassure your child that it’s OK not to be able to do everything perfectly. Tell him that some things take repeated effort and practice—and sometimes it’s OK to move on after you’ve given your best effort.
3. Help your child set realistic goals. When your child is starting out in soccer, it’s fine for her to think she’ll eventually be on the Olympic team. But if she fails to make the varsity team in high school and still thinks she’s an Olympic-caliber player, then she needs to focus on more realistic goals. Guide your child to set reasonable goals to help avoid feelings of failure. If the goal is a stretch, discuss some reachable short-term steps along the path.
4. Model self-love and positive self-talk. You must love yourself before you can teach your child to love him or herself. You can model this behavior by rewarding and praising yourself when you do well. Whether you run a marathon, get a promotion at work or throw a successful dinner party, celebrate your successes with your children. Talk about the skills and talents and efforts needed for you to achieve those accomplishments. In the same conversation, you can remind your child of the skills he or she possesses and how they can be developed and used.
5. Teach resilience. No one succeeds at everything all the time. There will be setbacks and failures, criticism and pain. Use these hurdles as learning experiences rather than dwelling on the events as failures or disappointments. The old adage, “Try, try, try again,” has merit, especially in teaching kids not to give up. But, it’s also important to validate your child’s feelings rather than saying, “Oh, just cheer up,” or, “You shouldn’t feel so bad.” This helps children learn to trust their feelings and feel comfortable sharing them. Children will learn that setbacks are a normal part of life and can be managed. If your child does poorly on a test, don’t smother him with pity or tell him that he’ll never be a good reader. Instead, talk about what steps he can take to do better next time. When he does succeed, he will take pride in his accomplishment.
6. Instill independence and adventure. Self-confident children are willing to try new things without fear of failure. With younger children, you will need to supervise from the sidelines. Set up situations where she can do things for herself and make sure the situation is safe—but then give her space. For example, demonstrate how to make a sandwich and then let her try it on her own, without your hovering or intervening. Encourage exploration, whether it’s a trip to a new park or new foods at mealtime. Day trips and outings, new hobbies, vacations and trips with teammates or schoolmates can all expand your child’s horizons and build confidence in her ability to handle new situations.
7. Encourage sports or other physical activities. No longer the sole domain of boys, sports help girls and boys build confidence. They learn that they can practice, improve and achieve goals. Other benefits: they learn to recognize their strengths, accept or strengthen their weaknesses, handle defeat, expand their circle of friends and learn teamwork. Another confidence-boosting bonus: they stay fit and learn to respect their bodies. Try to find a physical activity that he or she enjoys, whether it’s dance, martial arts, biking or hiking.
8. Support their pursuit of a passion. Everyone excels at something, and it’s great when your child discovers that something. As a parent, respect and encourage your child’s interests—even if they don’t interest you. Praise your child when they accomplish something in their budding pursuits. If your son’s talent is playing guitar in a band, support his interest, as long as it doesn’t interfere with responsibilities like schoolwork. This doesn’t mean you give free reign for your teenager to stay out all night or smoke pot in your garage, which brings us to the next tip.
9. Set rules and be consistent. Children are more confident when they know who is in charge and what to expect. Even if your child thinks your rules are too strict, she will have confidence in what she can and can’t do when you set rules and enforce them consistently. Every household will have different rules, and they will change over time based on your child’s age. Whatever your household rules, be clear on what is important in your family. Learning and following rules gives children a sense of security and confidence. As children get older they may have more input on rules and responsibilities. But, it’s important to remember that you are the parent—not a best friend. Someday when your child is feeling peer pressure, he or she may appreciate having the foundation and confidence to say, “No, I can’t do that.”
10. Coach relationship skills. Confidence in relationships is key to your child’s self-confidence. The most important initial relationship is the loving parent-child relationship. But as your child’s social circle expands, you will help her see how her actions affect others—and help her learn to maintain an inner core of confidence when someone else’s actions affect her. As a parent, it’s not your role to “fix” every situation, but rather to teach your child the compassion, kindness, self-assertiveness and, yes, confidence to handle the ups and downs of relationships.
