How to Cope with Divorce As a Child

For both kids and parents, divorce can be sad, confusing, and difficult to understand. Whether you and your spouse are contemplating divorce, or whether you need to explain the divorce of a family member, neighbor or friend, you may need parenting help for talking to your preschooler about divorce:

Keep it Simple and Clear

Preschoolers are concrete thinkers who tend to see the world in terms of how things affect their own daily activities. Some preschoolers may not have heard the word “divorce” and not have any idea what that means. Older preschoolers might be anxious and wonder if it means a child will lose one or both parents. Here are some ways to make the message simple and clear:

• Explain divorce means that the parents will be living in different places.
• Tell your child what will happen to them. Explain where they will be living and when they can expect to see each parent.
• If your preschooler has heard a lot of arguments, acknowledge that truth and explain that you are hoping this change will help everyone get along better.
• Answer questions as simply as possible, without getting into blame or reasons that the preschooler won’t understand and doesn’t need to know.

Communicate that Divorce is an Adult Problem

One normal stage of preschoolers is to see the world as revolving around themselves. Unfortunately, that can cause a preschooler to think that they are the cause of a parent’s divorce. Misplaced guilt is common for younger children so one parenting help tip from divorce care professionals is to be sure you clearly explain to your child what is happening and who is responsible. It is important to convey messages like:

• Divorce is a grown-up problem when mommies and daddies make big mistakes and hurt each other.
• We are sorry this is hurting you.
• It is mommy’s and daddy’s fault, not yours.
• Mommy and daddy will live in different places but we will both always love you.

Act Together

One important parenting help idea from experts is to explain about the divorce together. Sitting down together at a time when your child is rested and you have plenty of time to talk is important. Sitting down together with your child expresses the message you want to convey that your child will still be safe, still be loved and that their emotions will be considered. When you talk:

• Wait until you are certain you are choosing to divorce. Saying you are “thinking” about a divorce will be confusing to children.
• Plan together ahead of time what you will say and how you will answer difficult questions.
• Keep to the basic facts about what will happen without getting into details about the adult reasons for the divorce.
• Choose tone and words carefully and avoid language that puts the blame on one spouse. Preschool children need to feel they can love both parents and not have to choose between them.
• Stress what will remain the same and the love you both feel for your child.
• If you child spends time with a grandparent, nanny or another adult on a regular basis, be sure that you talk to that person about how you would prefer they should talk to the child about the divorce.

It is All Right to Feel Sad

No matter how carefully and cordially a separation is done, feelings of anger, hurt, frustration, and sadness are natural for both adults and children. Changes are not easy to make and your child needs to know that is is all right to feel sadness and other emotions. Even though it may be difficult to hear your child’s thoughts and feelings, it is very important to allow them to express their emotions. However, don’t feel that you have to handle your child’s emotions all by yourself.

• Let preschool teachers at Kids Konnect know what is happening in your family so that they can understand your child’s feelings and help them to talk about them.
• Ask other friends and family members to spend special time with your child and ask questions that let them talk out their thoughts.
• To make sure your child is handling their feelings in a healthy way, you might consider having them talk with a professional counselor who specializes in children.

They are Safe and Loved

The most important thing? Continually remind your child through words and actions that they are important and they are loved. No parenting help can avoid the fact that divorce is difficult for everyone but by keeping your message positive and simple, you can make sure that the change is easier for your child. Do you have another parenting help tip for talking to preschoolers about divorce?

Wayne’s background in life coaching along with his work helping organizations to build family-friendly policies, gives him a unique perspective on fathering.

It is hard to imagine a more difficult transition for a child than to be a party to his or her parents’ divorce. I have watched this closely the last few months as some very good friends of ours have been separated and preparing for divorce.

And even through attempts at reconciliation through family counseling, the children have suffered. Learn more about the effects of divorce on children and what fathers and mothers can do to make a very difficult process at least a little easier to manage for the kids.

We have all seen the effects of divorce on children in our family, neighborhood or community. Multiple scholarly studies show that the divorce of their parents causes a big impact on children. Learn how children of divorce are affected by the breakup of a family and what parents can do to make the transition easier.

Watch for the Warning Signs of Emotional or Physical Distress

With children bearing such a big part of the burden of their parents’ divorce, a parent needs to be able to discern when their child is having emotional challenges during and after the divorce process. Learn about the warning signs of emotional or physical distress resulting from the dissolution of the family and what parents can do to help address these danger signs.

As you begin to work through a divorce process with your children, you will want to use some time-tested and effective strategies and approaches to helping your children cope with your divorce. These specific strategies will be helpful to any parent trying to navigate through the process of divorce and still support their children.

Sometimes using a book with your children can help you convey important messages. And this seems to work especially well when the topic is sensitive and complicated. This list of books that you can use to help your children understand and cope with a divorce offers some very helpful resources for having just such a conversation.

Keeping Close to Home After a Divorce

One thing a father can do to help his children transition through a divorce is to stay close by and stay involved in their lives. Learn why it is important and how to make choices that let you continue your relationship with the children after a divorce and how to maximize the opportunity to be a support to your children, even if they are not living with you.

Self-Care for Men Going Through a Divorce

In order for dads to work well with their children through the divorce process, they need to be taking care of their own needs as well. An empty emotional bucket cannot help fill the bucket of another, especially a child who is feeling the effects of a divorce in his or her own life. Find out what dads do to take care of their own physical and emotional needs and how they can use that strength to help their children through their own processing of the experience.

When Your Child Gets a New Stepfather

It can be particularly traumatic for a father when his ex-wife remarries and his kids have a new stepfather – a different father figure in their lives. And there is trauma for the kids as well as their loyalties to their dad may be confused or in question with a new stepfather. Find out how divorced dads can cope with the new stepfather and how to keep kids feeling good about their relationship with their dad.

What and When To Tell the Kids About Your Dating and Your Partners

So, it has been a while since the divorce and you are anxious for some female companionship. Dating is more difficult after a divorce than when you were single the last time. How should dad go about finding women and dating after a divorce? And what do you say to the kids and when?

Kristen Curette Hines/Stocksy

Divorce is hard no matter what the circumstances are. It can cause even the best parents to lose focus on what is best for their children, which in turn can cause children to feel angry or sad. Children also don’t always agree with a divorce or understand the reasons behind it, which can create even more anger and resentment. A parent can turn their children’s anger about divorce into acceptance if they are there to help them cope with the stress of the divorce. It’s important that divorced parents put aside their own anger and hurt feelings in order to help their children better work through the emotional trauma of a divorce.

These guidelines, along with the help of a therapist, can be very helpful when dealing with children angry about divorce. Read on for our tips on how to help your children deal with their anger over a divorce.

Be There for Them

” data-caption=”” data-expand=”300″ data-tracking-container=”true” />

Love your child and be there for them even if their words are hurtful. It’s important to remember that your child’s feelings, regardless of how negative, are more important than your feelings. “This isn’t about you. Or about your ex,” says Robert E. Emery, Ph.D. “It’s about your kids and their parents. It’s about finding a way to be a parent, even as your marriage is unraveling.

Hold Them Accountable

Hold your child accountable for their anger, but don’t abandon them because the pain is too much for you to deal with. Be there to show them what is and isn’t acceptable behavior. As a parent, it is your responsibility to be there for your child while the issues are being worked out. Don’t avoid your child or the anger your child is feeling just because it’s painful to you.

Express Love Openly

” data-caption=”” data-expand=”300″ data-tracking-container=”true” />

Make sure your child always feels loved. According to a 2013 study, mothers are often less supportive and affectionate towards their child after a divorce. Show love through your words and actions when you talk to your child, no matter how hurtful you feel they are being toward you.

Communicate

If they won’t communicate with you, write them letters on a regular basis. Keep a connection going, even from a distance. With technology, it is easy to reach out to a child who is refusing to communicate. Send a weekly text or email to reassure your child you love them and will be there when they are ready to communicate.

Show Interest

Show an interest in their life. Ask what they’re doing, how they’re feeling, and take interest in their friends and social life. Don’t let yourself get caught up in the divorce process to the point that you lose interest in your children’s needs.

Try Therapy

If the anger continues, be willing to go to therapy with your child. Show your child that you’ll try anything you can to rebuild your relationship. If your child refuses to go to therapy with you, go alone. If they’re that angry, you can at least benefit from talking to a trained professional who will help you deal with the pain and stress.

Don’t Take Things Personally

Don’t internalize and take things your child says personally. Keep in mind that the anger is coming from a fear of losing you as a parent. Wear a thick layer of emotional armor to protect yourself, and don’t hold anything they say against them. Make sure not to discount their wishes, either. “It is normal for children to wish that their parents will get back together again,” says child and family therapist Meri Wallace.

Be a Good Listener

” data-caption=”” data-expand=”300″ data-tracking-container=”true” />

If your child has questions and needs to talk about the divorce, be willing to listen and respond. “Give your children the freedom to express their feelings,” Wallace says. “Reassure them that it’s natural to cry and it is okay with you. Encourage them to verbalize their anger, too.”

It’s important to try and see things from their perspective. Don’t tune them out—it will only cause the anger to grow and them to lose trust in you.

Get Other Family Members Involved

Ask other family members who your child trusts, such as a sibling or grandparent, to step in. They can talk to your child in a positive way about the importance of your relationship and hopefully help alleviate some of their concerns and fears.

Only ask one or two people to get involved. You don’t want the entire family ganging up on your child, as that may push them further away.

Take Care of Yourself

Before you can help your child, you have to heal your own pain. You may feel rejected and hurt, but it’s important you stay strong for your child’s sake. Practice self-care, let yourself go through the grieving process, attend therapy if necessary.

Don’t Put New Relationships Above Your Child

You may have a new love interest post-divorce, and while that can help you move on, it can also distract you from the fact that your child is angry. Just keep in mind that no relationship is as important as the relationship you have with your child. Make time to listen to them, support them, and spend time with them.

‘You want to set a pattern for a future where everyone can be civil so hang on to that thought when rage is overwhelming.’ Photograph: Alamy Stock Photo

‘You want to set a pattern for a future where everyone can be civil so hang on to that thought when rage is overwhelming.’ Photograph: Alamy Stock Photo

Going through divorce is hard and when it’s your child getting divorced you may have to be a supportive parent as well as consoling grandparent.

Be loyal. That doesn’t mean condoning or ignoring bad behaviour, especially if this is what ended the marriage. It’s letting them know that you’re there for them, no matter what. You can still love and support them while saying that you don’t agree with deception, lying or nastiness and in taking that stance you might actually be able to influence how they behave.

Children first. Sometimes divorce comes as a shock and at other times parents will be aware that their child’s marriage is unhappy so it can almost be a relief when it ends. Resist the temptation to badmouth the son-in-law or daughter-in-law and simply remember they will always be your grandchild’s parent. You’re going to want to be at every birthday, see them at Christmas and still be on the guestlist for 21st parties and weddings so never put grandchildren in the position of having to choose.

Don’t encourage estrangement. If the grandchildren are staying with your child, it can be tempting to punish their partner by keeping the children from them. If there are genuine concerns about abuse to either the parent or the children that’s different, but otherwise remember that they need two parents and encouraging spiteful behaviour hurts the children more than anyone. Grandparents can be a useful buffer while everything is still raw so see being polite to the ex as something you’re doing for your grandchildren.

Don’t take control. Ask what you can do to help rather than trying to take over and organise them as you think is best. Help focus on the practicalities and consider all the options, both short and long term. If your child is the one who has ended the relationship there can be a burst of euphoria at finally having everything out there, so be prepared to listen to sometimes outlandish-sounding plans without pouring cold water on them. The first few weeks will be emotional and hard and everything can change by the day, so someone able to stay constant and as calm as possible is a great support.

Two sides to every story. It’s a cliche because it’s true and it can be as hard ending a marriage as being the person who’d prefer it to continue. Keep this in mind even if you don’t actually say it out loud and be prepared for outrage if you ever do voice something that might seem like a criticism of your child. Similarly, if you utterly loathe their ex try to keep that buried and keep the personal out of it – “it’s a shame he can’t manage this Sunday” rather than “what a thoughtless creep”. You want to set a pattern for a future where everyone can be civil so hang on to that thought when rage is overwhelming.

Never say, ‘I told you so’. You might think you’re just giving the ex a hard time but you’re also making your child feel bad about the past and choices they made, when they already feel hurt and vulnerable. Emotive remarks such as “‘Thank God you didn’t have a child with him” can cause terrible needless pain – perhaps they really wanted a child and the marriage foundered on that, so tread carefully. When they talk about the relationship, reassure them that the good times weren’t wasted and that they worked hard at it, but sometimes that isn’t enough.

Put your own grief aside at first. There’s double pain is seeing your child heartbroken, while also realising that your relationship with a much-loved son or daughter-in-law is changed for ever. If your child has been left by their partner it may help to have you empathising with their sense of pain or abandonment because you feel something similar. Gauge this carefully so that they don’t feel you’re taking sides and recognise that often it can be like a bereavement that you have to suffer alone.

Look ahead. Ask your child where they’d like to be – in every way – three or six months down the line and help them work towards that. Divorce may be common but that doesn’t make it any less painful, so support such as family mediation can be really useful to reduce everyone’s pain. Grandparents can take the lead by always putting the grandchildren first and encouraging everyone else to do likewise can help make this new life easier all round.

Wayne’s background in life coaching along with his work helping organizations to build family-friendly policies, gives him a unique perspective on fathering.

• Challenges
• Large Families
• Raising Kids
• Discipline
• Bullying
• Child Care
• School
• Special Needs
• Gifted Kids
• For Grandparents
• Single Parenting
• Adoption & Foster Care

View All

There is maybe a no more difficult challenge to a father than finding himself a divorced dad and no longer living with the kids. It is as devastating an experience as I know of.

Being a successful divorced dad — that is maintaining a good relationship with the children despite being divorced from their mother — is an extra burden for dads to bear.

While each divorce situation is unique and different, the more a dad knows about what to expect, the better he can react. Dads who manage the situation effectively share some common threads in their approach and attitude.

What can you do to have a greater probability of success in this situation?

The Effects of Divorce on Children and How to Cope

Sometimes after a particularly painful divorce (is there any other kind?) a dad may not really see and understand the impact of that event on the kids. It can be truly devastating to a child to go through a divorce and try to cope when their family life turns upside down. Find out from the experts what to expect as your children adjust to this new and strange reality in their life.

How does divorce affect children?

Divorce can cause serious and lasting effects on a child. A child’s reaction and ability to cope will depend on his or her age and personality and the circumstances around the divorce.

Kids often feel sad, angry, guilty, and fearful when parents break up. Behavior problems are common as children grieve the loss of the family. Kids may worry that their parents do not love them.

How parents treat each other as they divorce and how well they provide security and comfort for the child also will have an impact.

How do children show stress?

• Children younger than age 3 may be irritable, cry more, and have sleep and stomach problems. They may start acting younger than their age and fear being separated from the parent who has custody. These children may have problems with bladder control or may wet the bed.
• Children ages 4 to 5 may blame themselves for the breakup. They may be confused, have trouble expressing themselves with words, and become clingy. They may worry about being abandoned or fantasize that their parents will get back together. They often act out.
• School-age children often grieve openly and struggle to accept the divorce as permanent. They may feel rejected by the parent who is not in the home. They may do poorly in school, blame themselves for the split, and feel as if they should be punished.
• Adolescents and teens are more likely to take sides with one parent over the other. Their self-esteem may suffer. They may struggle with relationships and substance use and may experiment with sex. They may do poorly in school, feel anger or shame, or become depressed. Adolescents have more trouble adapting to stepparents, but they may be more open to counseling and support from teachers, grandparents, or other mentors.

How can you help your child cope with divorce?

• Tell your child early on what is happening. Reinforce that the divorce is not your child’s fault.
• Be warm and reassuring, and listen to your child. Ask about his or her worries or fears.
• Provide structure and routine. Keeping a routine is important and helps your child feel secure.
• Maintain positive, stable events like soccer games, piano lessons, and overnight visits with friends. This will help your child feel as if his or her world is still safe.
• Do not try to get your child to take sides.
• Avoid criticizing the other parent. Do not argue in front of the child or where he or she can overhear you, especially when talking about the details of visits, holidays, or custody.
• Respect the other parent’s values, and try to keep rules for the child the same between households.
• Do not make your child feel bad for leaving you or say things that might make the child feel that he or she must fix the other parent.

Where can you learn more?

Enter Z640 in the search box to learn more about “Learning About How to Help a Child Cope With Divorce”.

Current as of: August 31, 2020

Medical Review: Patrice Burgess MD – Family Medicine & Kathleen Romito MD – Family Medicine

Divorce can be especially hard on children. But how do you know that a child is struggling with divorce? Look out for these behaviors and try these strategies if you notice them

Everyone knows the statistic that 50% of all marriages end in divorce. What we often forget, however, is that a majority of these divorces impact children under the age of 18. Many parents struggle with guilt or fear of how the divorce will impact the lives of their children.

Because kids depend on parents for feeling secure, it’s normal for a child to feel scared or confused when they see their mom or dad hurting or increasingly distracted by new challenges. When parents fail to communicate the reason for their changing emotions and home environment, often a child will misinterpret what’s happening. They might begin to assume that they caused the divorce, or they might take responsibility to try and reunite their parents.

Signs Your Child is Struggling

How do you know that a child is struggling with divorce? Younger children may regress to behaviors they had previously outgrown, such as wetting the bed, wanting a pacifier, or throwing tantrums. You also might notice that they seem more anxious or upset when separated from you. Older children might experience a range of emotions, such as anger, guilt, or even relief that their parents are separating. They become more aggressive when angry, experience symptoms of depression or anxiety, and begin to withdraw or isolate from others.

Here are some other common behaviors or symptoms that can occur:

• Academic or behavioral problems
• Mood swings
• Less socializing with friends
• Less cooperation with everyday tasks
• Decreased self-esteem
• Increased irrational fears
• Lack of interest in communication

As emotions may run high between parents during a divorce, adults may try to parent separately rather than together to reduce fighting. However, as contact may become more manageable over time, parents often find that it is easier to work cooperatively when it comes to scheduling and making big decisions.

Worried your child may be suffering from a mental health disorder?

Take one of our 2-minute mental health quizzes to see if he or she could benefit from further diagnosis and treatment.

Strategies to Help Your Child Cope

Here are some additional strategies that many parents have found to be effective when helping their children cope with divorce.

Communicate together – If it’s possible, don’t tell the child about the divorce alone. Both parents should be present. To help kids prepare for upcoming transitions, communicate what’s happening as early as possible, rather than at the last minute.

Don’t use them – Try not to rely on a child for emotional support during a divorce. You can draw strength from their love, but support should come from friends, family, and professional guidance if needed. Try not to complain about your ex in front of your kids, and definitely don’t use kids as a go-between to relay messages.

Acknowledge the “sad” – You might feel tempted to paint the divorce as a happy or better situation for everyone. While things may improve over the long-term, it’s important to take the time to acknowledge to your child that divorce is sad, frustrating, and confusing at times. Don’t sweep those emotions under the rug.

Prevent the spread of stress – While it’s important to acknowledge that divorce is difficult, make sure that your children aren’t overhearing you complain or stress about financial concerns or other issues pertaining to the divorce. They can absorb that anxiety and fear and may feel like they have to share the responsibility of fixing things that are adult concerns.

Provide structure – Moving back and forth between two parents and two separate households can be less stressful if a child has similar rules and expectations with both parents. Bedtimes, responsibilities, and consequences should be as similar as possible. If you can, try not to cancel or change plans at the last minute.

Encourage relationships – A child should never feel like they have to choose between parents. Let him or her know that you want them to experience a positive and loving relationship with the other parent, so they won’t feel torn. They shouldn’t feel that they have to hide funny stories or happy thoughts with you about your ex.

Above all, don’t be afraid to ask for help if you need it. Family counseling, school counselors, and peer support groups can be excellent resources for you during this difficult time. The more you take care of yourself and take responsibility for learning mature strategies for navigating life, the more energy and focus you can give to your kids. If you’re not sure where to start, make sure your kids know that you’ll always love them and you’ll always be their parent. If they know these truths, chances are you’re already heading in the right direction when it comes to raising healthy and happy humans.

You may also like:

Separation Anxiety in Children: How to Help your Child with Separation Anxiety Disorder

Marijuana for Anxiety in Teens

The Psychology of Divorce and the Pursuit of Happiness

Resilience in Children: Strategies to Strengthen Your Kids

Anticipatory Grief: Mourning a Life Before It’s Gone

Does Your Child Have Internet Gaming Disorder?

Early interventions can prevent anxiety disorders in children.

Posted Jan 24, 2019

THE BASICS

• What Is Anxiety?
• Find a therapist to overcome anxiety

Divorce can be a significant life stressor for children and teens that can trigger anxiety in multiple ways. Children are resilient and the research indicates that most children of divorce fare well. Nevertheless, even healthy, typical divorces can lend themselves to heightened anxiety because of the a major life transition. Moving homes, changing schools, shuttling back and forth between two homes, changes in routines, and even rotations in caretakers can be very stressful for children and teenagers. The increased stress and multiple simultaneous changes can result in heightened anxiety, which if not paid attention to, could blossom into more severe anxiety disorders.

Anxiety in children and teenagers can exhibit itself in a variety of behaviors, and parents and teachers should be mindful of changes in mood, responses, and attitudes in the home and the classroom. Anxiety can be tricky to recognize, particularly in young children and teenagers, as it can mask itself and present in unusual ways that are not easily identifiable, and sometimes even misleading. Hence, it is important for adults to increase their awareness and recognition of varying presentations of distress, so that they can intervene early and hopefully prevent the further exacerbation of symptoms. Some typical markers of anxiety to pay attention to include:

• Sleep difficulties
• Increase in irritability
• Increase in anger
• Increase in fearfulness
• Difficulty in focus and attention
• Increase in temper tantrums
• Increase in opposition and defiance
• Increase in arguments
• Social withdrawal
• Increased difficulties in friendships
• Changes in appetite and weight
• Bed wetting
• Poor or inconsistent academic performance
• Decrease in motivation
• Separation difficulties

Although the above are possible indicators for anxiety, in a situation of divorce some children and teenagers may be further burdened by strong feelings of confusion, anger, blame, and guilt. They may be unable or unwilling to express these feelings given the complicated family situation, which can exacerbate their sense of helplessness, confusion, worry, and anxiety. Hence, it is important that the adults noticing these changes in the child’s or teenager’s behaviors, mood, and attitude further explore underlying feelings of loss, grief, helplessness, guilt, blame, and anger that could be fueling the anxiety.

Getting a divorce can turn your world upside down. Here are some tips on how to cope with divorce and the inevitable changes that go along with it.
Updated July 12, 2018

Re-Organizing After a Life Changing Event

As much as we all hope for a carefree life, there are going to be events that change life forever. Nothing stays the same, change is inevitable; but sometimes the change is unexpected and unpleasant.

It might be just a move to another town or country; it might be a divorce, or death of a spouse or child. How can we cope with this type of change and organize a whole new way of life?

The first thing to remember is that we don’t have to fix or cope with everything in a day. You may be overwhelmed by grief, anger, confusion or fear, and getting through the day is as much as you can do. This doesn’t mean these feelings will last forever, sometimes you need to let yourself wallow in them. Take time out to rest, re-evaluate and re-group.

At times, a domino effect occurs and a combination or series of stress-inducing events occurs. You may have to deal with death or divorce, moving, job-hunting and children all at once. Each family member is also coming to terms with the loss and problems of restructuring his or her life. Tempers and emotions run high.

Before you do anything else, deal with the emotions.

Whatever your situation, call a formal meeting with your immediate family members (the ones that are in this just like you are.) Acknowledge the feelings. Find out what the biggest fears are and talk about them.

When each person has had a turn talking and all the fears have been listed, brainstorm together to come up with a list of tasks for an action plan for each person.

Often what is a big fear for a child is something that you can reassure them about right away.

With death of a spouse or divorce, children are worried that something might happen to the remaining parent. You can assure them that you are taking good care of yourself and hope to be around for a long time. Be reassuring but don’t promise anything you don’t have control over. The child is being realistic; something could happen to you, or one of them for that matter.

This is not the time to talk in detail about the fact that we don’t know when it’s our time to go; but you should start thinking about things like insurance and wills for yourself. This is a big topic, but if you have been left on your own, this is something that needs to be addressed when you are feeling more in control of things.

The main thing is to project a positive attitude. What is done is done, it can’t be changed, but you can all learn to adapt, millions of others have and it isn’t always fun; but it is not going to be like this forever.

Tips for the meantime

• Start a personal journal; write down all your feelings, questions and observations on what is happening to you and your children. Do this in a free flowing way. Set aside some time to write ten or fifteen minutes – let it all hang out on the page. If you do this every day and review your journal once a week you may see themes emerging. Those themes are patterns of a problem that needs to be worked on first.

Encourage each child or family member to keep a journal and provide a notebook for each one. Sometimes they don’t want to do this, but assure them that whatever they write will be for their eyes only and no one else will read it. Whatever you do, don’t intrude on their privacy, let them write and get it all down on paper. They may want you to read it and that is great but, respect their right to privacy and encourage the rest of the family to do the same. If someone doesn’t want to keep a journal, give them the notebook anyway.

Don’t be afraid to seek professional help if you find that you need a little extra help. Consider talking with your family doctor, your minister, or a very close friend. Sometimes all it takes is talking with someone who is not inside the problem. Other people often see things from a different perspective and can help you organize your thought on the different aspects of your situation.

Now is not the time to worry too much about all the household chores that need to be done; although, keeping things as normal as possible will help somewhat. Just make sure to ask everyone in the family member to help.

Quote of the Day

In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity
– Albert Einstein

Good or bad – nothing lasts forever and you can reinvent your life as many others have. Planning a new life, while overwhelming, can be exciting if you take it a step at a time and don’t try to do it all alone. And remember, you don’t have to do it all in one day.

First Published Electronically on: June 7, 2001
Author: Judy Brown from Organized Forever

For more ideas on how to cope with divorce, you can check out the following articles:

Going through a separation or divorce can be very difficult, no matter the reason for it. It can turn your world upside down and make it hard to get through the work day and stay productive. But there are things you can do to get through this difficult adjustment.

Recognize that it’s OK to have different feelings. It’s normal to feel sad, angry, exhausted, frustrated and confused—and these feelings can be intense. You also may feel anxious about the future. Accept that reactions like these will lessen over time. Even if the marriage was unhealthy, venturing into the unknown is frightening.

Give yourself a break. Give yourself permission to feel and to function at a less than optimal level for a period of time. You may not be able to be quite as productive on the job or care for others in exactly the way you’re accustomed to for a little while. No one is superman or superwoman; take time to heal, regroup and re-energize.

Don’t go through this alone. Sharing your feelings with friends and family can help you get through this period. Consider joining a support group where you can talk to others in similar situations. Isolating yourself can raise your stress levels, reduce your concentration, and get in the way of your work, relationships and overall health. Don’t be afraid to get outside help if you need it.

Take care of yourself emotionally and physically. Be good to yourself and to your body. Take time out to exercise, eat well and relax. Keep to your normal routines as much as possible. Try to avoid making major decisions or changes in life plans. Don’t use alcohol, drugs or cigarettes as a way to cope; they only lead to more problems.

Avoid power struggles and arguments with your spouse or former spouse. If a discussion begins to turn into a fight, calmly suggest that you both try talking again later and either walk away or hang up the phone.

Take time to explore your interests. Reconnect with things you enjoy doing apart from your spouse. Have you always wanted to take up painting or play on an intramural softball team? Sign up for a class, invest time in your hobbies, volunteer, and take time to enjoy life and make new friends.

Think positively. Easier said than done, right? Things may not be the same, but finding new activities and friends, and moving forward with reasonable expectations will make this transition easier. Be flexible. If you have children, family traditions will still be important but some of them may need to be adjusted. Help create new family activities.

Life will get back to normal, although “normal” may be different from what you had originally hoped.

Tips for talking to kids …

If you have children, here’s a short list of tips that can help your young children and teens cope.

Reassure and listen. Make sure your kids know that your divorce is not their fault. Listen to and ease their concerns, and be compassionate but direct in your responses.

Maintain stability and routines. Try to keep your kids’ daily and weekly routines as familiar and stable as possible.

Offer consistent discipline. Now that your kids may share time with both parents separately, make sure to agree in advance on bedtimes, curfews and other everyday decisions, as well as any punishments.

Let your children know they can rely on you. Make and keep realistic promises. And don’t overly confide in them about your feelings about the divorce.

Don’t involve your children in the conflict. Avoid arguing with or talking negatively about the other parent in front of your kids. Don’t use them as spies or messengers, or make them take sides.

When a parent chooses not to be active in a child’s life, it is damaging. Children feel unworthy, unloved, and worthless when they are rejected by a parent. The damage to a child’s self-esteem is not only painful to the child, but for others in their life.

A question custodial parents often ask is, “What can I do if the other parent doesn’t show for visitation?” As parents, we feel our child’s pain when the other parent fails to exercise parental visitation. It is only natural that we want to “do” something to take away their pain, and help them cope with parental rejection.

We can’t protect our children from all of life’s disappointments. In this situation, though, there are things we can do to keep the impact of an absent parent from causing too much destruction and help visitation go smoothly when it does happen.

Don’t allow your child to see your disappointment and concern.

If you are angry with your ex, keep it to yourself. Do not share your feelings with your child. Talk with your child, and allow your child to express their feelings. Reassure them by showing them they are loved by you for who they are—not what they or someone else has done.

When talking about your ex, explain to your child that their absence is not a reflection of your child’s worth. Let your child know the other parent is having difficulties that get in the way of understanding how hurtful the absence is. It is important your child understands that the problem is not with them, but with the parent who is not visiting.

Talk to the absent parent.

Your ex may not realize the negative impact they are having on your child—some parents aren’t emotionally intelligent enough to know the importance of their presence in their child’s life. Assure the other parent your only motive is to co-parent in a way that is best for the child.

If, after communicating your concerns, the other parent still refuses to visit, let it be. They may not care and where there is a lack of caring, there is a lack of concern and love. What child needs a parent like that in their life?

Have a backup plan.

If you are dealing with a non-custodial parent who makes plans with your child and doesn’t show, have a backup plan. If the non-custodial parent is inconsistent, the best way to keep them from harming your child is to distract your child with other activities.

If you are a non-custodial parent, aim to maintain a consistent visitation schedule with your children. If you are a custodial parent, you should encourage the relationship between your child and the non-custodial parent. Don’t allow hard feelings and conflict with your ex to harm your child. Put your child’s needs before your need to lash out at your ex-spouse.

Remember that just because your ex doesn’t parent the same way you do, it doesn’t mean they don’t love their children. Divorce can play tricks with our emotions that keep us from thinking and behaving rationally at times. If your ex is having a hard time dealing with the divorce emotionally, it can leak over into their relationship with the children.

The best you can do as a concerned parent is guard your children’s feelings and approach the other parent in a manner that takes into consideration their emotional fragility.