How to Be Respectful of Your Family

Last Updated: September 26, 2020 References Approved

This article was co-authored by Wits End Parenting. Wits End Parenting is a parent-coaching practice based in Berkeley, California specializing in strong-willed, “spirited” children with impulsivity, emotional volatility, difficulty “listening,” defiance, and aggression. Wits End Parenting’s counselors incorporate positive discipline that is tailored to each child’s temperament while also providing long-term results, freeing parents from the need to continually re-invent their discipline strategies.

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Sometimes it may seem like your parents don’t understand, and that can lead to a negative relationship with them. Despite that, it is important to remain respectful toward your parents. If you want to show your parents more respect, you can easily reevaluate your thoughts and actions towards your parents to ensure that you’re treating them with the kindness they deserve.

Wits End Parenting. Parenting Specialists Expert Interview. 5 March 2020. Manners aren’t just about which fork to use at the dinner table; manners demonstrate a sensitive awareness of others’ feelings. Caring enough to be polite towards your parents, who you’ve known your entire life, shows a level of respect and reverence.

• Say “please,” and “thank you.” Words are powerful and each of those words carries meaning. Aside from being polite, it shows a level of gratitude and appreciation which are both part of respecting your parents.
• Watch your language. Be careful about the topics of conversations and your word choice around your parents. Parents always think of their children as their babies (regardless of how old they are). They would prefer to see them through a clean and pure lens.

Wits End Parenting. Parenting Specialists Expert Interview. 5 March 2020. Learning to manage knee-jerk reactions helps to show parents that you respect their authority.

• Recognize the problem first. If you realize the problem and want to change it, you’ve already taken the biggest step. It takes maturity to understand the differing perspectives and reactions between kids and parents.
• Apologize to your parents. Admit to your parents that you have disrespected them, and ask them for their assistance as you attempt to change your behavior.
• Take a mental “time-out.” The next time you are tempted to say something disrespectful, take a second to regroup before speaking from emotion alone. Take into consideration what your parents are saying, and where they are coming from. [6] X Research source

1. Importance of Father & Son Relationships
2. What to Say When Your Grown Children Hurt Your Feelings
3. The Difference Between First and Second Cousins
4. Barriers to Communication with Kids
5. How to Say Thank You in a Loving Way to Family

Moms deserve respect from their kids, but kids may not show that respect for various reasons, including seeking attention, anger and disrespectful role models, notes the Positive Discipline website. You can demonstrate respect for your mom or a mother figure, which in turn encourages your children to show respect for you. Your example helps your children understand what respectful behaviors toward a mother look like.

The “Golden Rule”

Kids should treat Mom the way they want to be treated. The “golden rule” doesn’t apply only to Christians. It appears in various religions, notes TeachingValues.com. When teaching your child to show respect to you, avoid blaming, shaming, shouting and sarcastic responses, suggests Positive Discipline. Encourage your child to speak to you in moderate tones, using respectful phrases such as “yes, Ma’am,” “no, Ma’am,” “please” and “thank you.”

Pay Attention

One way to demonstrate respect for a mom is to listen when she speaks. Respectful listening does not mean your child will mind you, notes Steve McChesney, a martial arts instructor and author of a daily self-esteem and self-confidence building newsletter. Teach your child to make eye contact with you when you speak to him and to respond with nods or words that indicate that he is hearing you. You can also demonstrate respectful behavior by responding the first time your child tries to get your attention so he doesn’t have to pester you before you acknowledge him.

Honesty

Honesty and respect are tied together. Explain to your child that when you respect your mom, you don’t take her belongings, lie to her or break your promises to her and you treat her and her belongings with care and respect, suggests McChesney. You can demonstrate honesty when dealing with your mom, your children and others in your life. You can also demonstrate honesty by admitting when you make a mistake and asking for forgiveness. Role-play honesty with your child, allowing her to be the mom and you to be the child to give her practice in being honest.

Compassion and Helpfulness

Moms do so much for the family, but they cannot carry the load alone. Teach your child that one way he can show respect for you is by recognizing that you have limitations and offering a helping hand, suggests Sissy Goff, the director of child and adolescent counseling at Daystar Counseling Ministries. Encourage him to pitch in and take responsibility for helping you care for the family, such as taking out the trash, setting the table and helping with laundry. He can say “thank you” when you do things for him. He can also notice when you are stressed, upset or impatient and cut you some slack.

I was raised in a home with helicopter parenting sprinkled with a bit of codependency. And, though I’m someone who has done a lot of reading and thinking about how I want to raise my child, critical thinking was not something that happened often in my childhood home. To my mother’s credit, she has tried to understand why I’m making the parenting decisions that I do, but, on the whole, she doesn’t understand them. Teaching my family to be respectful of the parenting choices in our home has been challenging.

We’ve had to navigate grandparents with poor boundaries since our wedding prior to having children, and it’s something that we’re still working on. It can be hard to find the balance between setting boundaries that you feel are important and compromising in other areas so that your family is still involved in your child’s life. Which, of course, isn’t to say that keeping toxic family members in your life is always the best choice. Sometimes it’s not. But in cases where you want to find a way to allow your family to have a presence in the lives of you and your children, that can be important.

1. Establish Your Own Family’s Values

Before you try explaining your parenting choices to your extended family, it’s important to know what values those choices are based on. In our house, we value bodily autonomy and consent, so we always ask my daughter before touching her or kissing her. We are also anti-consumerism, so it’s important to us that she’s not being bought material gifts on a constant basis.

2. Set Boundaries

Making your choices known to your family doesn’t have to involve a lecture. Simply explain your position to them without becoming overly emotional.

3. Don’t Feel Obligated To Defend Your Choices

Your parenting choices are not up for debate, unless it’s by a co-parent. It’s OK to shut down any argument with, “This is what we’re doing and we’d appreciate it if you could respect that.” The last thing you want is for a fight to break out.

4. Find Areas Of Compromise

If there are some issues that are less important to you, use them as a point of compromise. For example, if you’re a little lenient on toys, tell your parents that it’s OK for your child to  have more toys to play with at Grandma’s house.

5. Follow Through With Consequences

If a family member repeatedly does something that you’ve asked them not to do, stay firm. If they send a gift, rsend it back. If they can’t respect your child’s bodily autonomy, you may have to tell them that they can’t physically see your child until they’re prepared to demonstrate only consensual touch.

6. Renegotiate As Necessary

If you’re finding that members of your family are not willing to respect your boundaries and your choices, you can always renegotiate the terms of your relationship. Whether it’s that your child can’t be with them unsupervised, or that they cannot come visit your home. You have the right to do whatever you feel is necessary to keep your children safe.

7. Keep Open Communication With The Kids

Talk with your children about why you make the choices you do. It’s not a secret, and including them in your reasoning can help them understand it and enforce it.

Images: Courtesy ofВ tetrapak/Flickr; Giphy (7)

Set Reasonable Expectations for Yourself and Your Family

Element number eight of the Twelve Disciplinary Elements widens the scope of discipline outside of you and your child. Your child doesn’t exist in a vacuum, he lives in your family, probably with you.

Since you want to be the reasonable, respectful, well-behaved parent of a reasonable, respectful, well-behaved child, it makes sense that you want to have a reasonable, respectful, well-behaved family. A reasonable, respectful, well-behaved family is a group of people who care about each other, who are allies for each other, who listen to each other, who tend to live with each other, and who are doing the best they can. (Keep in mind that we’re not talking perfect here. Keeping your expectations reasonable is vital!)

To have a family that respects each other, it needs to start with you. You’re the adult here, remember? I know too many people who think that a family is a good place to kick back, away from the world. “I don’t have to be on my best behavior with them, they’re just my family.” Yes, you can relax, but remember that this is the place where you should be the most considerate, thoughtful, and kind. These are the people you love, remember? Show them a little respect.

Words to Parent By

A family is a grouping of people—usually but not always biologically or legally related—who may live together, and who love and rely on each other.

It’s a Good Idea!

Every family has its own expectations about things like manners, cleanliness, and acceptable language. As a reasonable, respectful parent, teach your child the “when in Rome” principle—follow the customs of the natives and respect other families’ values and rules. It’s just a question of respect.

What’s Normal for You?

Every family has a different expectation of “normal” behavior. When I as a kid, I used to love to go over to other people’s houses for dinner because every house was so different. At Rowena’s house, we said grace before we ate. At Alison’s house, we had to clean up—really well—after we ate. At Tilly’s house, we ate chicken with gravy, homemade pie, and occasionally had a food fight. At Milo’s house, her parents had wine with dinner (and she thought it was odd that at my house we drank water and ate mung-bean-and-brown-rice casseroles and huge bowls of green salad).

All the rules were different, too. My parents liked a quiet house, and the radio was usually on low playing classical music. At Tilly’s house we could watch TV, at my house we didn’t have one. And so it went. The rules and customs you establish for your household and family may be completely different from what’s happening at the Joneses down the block. There’s no one “normal,” but it’s helpful to have your family’s “normal” explicitly defined so your child understands the behavior expectations.

Who Is Your Family?

Families come in all sizes and configurations. Your family might include biologically related members, nonbiologically related members, people who live together, and people who don’t, of all ages and genders. The definition of your family depends on you—if you say you’re a family, you are. I believe it’s the love that matters, not the shape of that love.

Families are more than a configuration of people who love each other. Families have a family identity, shared values, shared rules of behavior—shared expectations.

Some families are very clear about what these expectations are, but in most families, the expectations are just sorta understood. But are they? Problems arise when some family members assume that others know and believe in the values and rules. Those others, who’ve never really had the expectations clearly explained, may be utterly clueless. When expectations aren’t clearly talked about, there’s also no way to work out differences in opinion and values. And then they fester. Ugly, dark family dynamics begin rising like a northeaster, and it’s time to take cover.

Far better to spend a little time explicitly building your family identity and defining your family’s behavior expectations. To do that, it helps to make your family’s values and your family’s rules explicit.

Respect means honoring other people and treating them with care and courtesy. Read how to raise respectful children.

How to Raise Respectful Kids

Respect means honoring other people and treating them with care and courtesy. While respect includes good manners, the core of the behavior goes deeper than politeness. It stems from the belief that other people have as much worth and dignity as you, and that harming others or their property is inherently wrong. Kids usually learn to be respectful of rules at home and at school, to not make fun of friends, and to use polite speech. Respectful behavior seems to have fallen out of favor in public discourse and mass media, and kids pick that up. But they need to learn that even strong feelings can be expressed in a respectful way.

Be Supportive

Even young children deserve respect. Show your kids that you care about their feelings–by sympathizing with their needs, comforting their fears, and explaining what you’re doing when it concerns them. Respecting your child means not putting him or her down or making negative statements that could become self-fulfilling prophecies. Children who grow up in supportive families are more likely to develop healthy self-respect–which encourages them to believe in their abilities and make good choices for themselves.

Respect Is a Two-Way Street

Kids aren’t born respectful. They learn respect from their parents and other important grownups in their lives–through imitation and direct teaching. Young children naturally think the outside world, including parents, exists to meet their needs. As they develop language and cognitive skills, you can teach them that hitting and grabbing are wrong, that screaming and interrupting Mom and Dad are not permitted. They learn this little by litte, as parents react with firmness but not anger. Just say, “No screaming. Please use a quiet voice,” and separate them from the action for a few minutes if they don’t comply. Also stress kindness and empathy. From these early lessons, respect for other people will grow.

Set Rules and Boundaries for Respect

Rules are essential reminders for kids to curb their impulses. Family rules could include no name-calling or bad language, listening to what others have to say, not using a sibling’s belongings without asking, and finding a respectful way to tell someone they’re annoying you. Set reasonable boundaries, and let children know what is expected of them. Be sure to give consistent consequences when rules are broken–or they won’t be meaningful. Similarly, compliment your child when she or he follows a rule that you’ve set.

Practice Good Manners

Courtesy is the oil that makes everything run more smoothly. Remember the “magic words” please and thank you? You might want to also teach your child “may I,” “excuse me” and “I’m sorry.” These phrases are outward expressions of kindness that help kids function in the world and build relationships. Good table manners are also a form of respect for others who are sharing your meal. Make practicing table manners at home a fun experience rather than an angry or tense one.

Be a Role Model for Respect

Parents are the key role models for most of their children’s behaviors, including respect. Kids learn much more from their parents’ example than from anything else. How moms and dads treat each other helps define how our kids will behave with members of the opposite sex. Adults can also be negative role models, if they speak rudely to a waiter, curse at slow drivers, or treat their own parents disrespectfully. Think about what your kids are learning by watching you.

Mind the Media Messages

Disrespectful behavior seems to be widespread today on TV, in movies, in pop culture, and online. Putdowns, cursing, off-color jokes, and demeaning sexual or ethnic stereotypes are often portrayed as funny. It’s hard to protect kids from these negative examples of how to treat others. But you can heighten their awareness so they don’t absorb them unquestioningly. Watch TV with your child and comment on rude or intolerant characters, saying, “That man doesn’t respect his wife–that wouldn’t be unacceptable behavior in our house.” Develop a standard of respect that transcends mixed messages they may be getting from pop culture.

Treat Elders with Respect

In some other cultures, the elderly have an honored role, but here it’s a different story. Rather than being seen as repositories of wisdom, older people are often seen as burdensome, inept, or at least uncool. Bring your child along when you spend time with an elderly relative or neighbor. Suggest things that older people can share with your child–a family recipe, a personal story about living through historical events, or an old photo album. Emphasize that the elderly deserve our respect because they’ve lived longer, worked hard, and have wisdom to impart.

Teach Kids How to Disagree Respectfully

One of the greatest challenges most of us face is how to deal respectfully with people with whom we disagree. This is something even adults have a hard time with. Some basic rules that you could teach your children (and put into practice in your own dealings): Don’t judge people before you get to know them. Treat other people the way you want to be treated. Listen attentively before you jump in with your argument. And if you’re treated disrespectfully, tell the person, “I don’t like being talked to that way. Please use a polite tone of voice (or please wait for me to finish speaking) so we can have a discussion.”

Encourage Respect for Nature

Help kids respect for the natural world by teaching them how to treat wild creatures, plants, and pets. If your child wants to pet a dog or cat, teach him or her to ask the owner whether it’s OK first. Make sure kids take care of their pets, remembering to give them enough food, water, and attention. When you’re out in nature, explain the concept of “leave no trace”–taking home any items they’ve brought in and leaving flowers and plants for others to enjoy.

Teach Respect for Surroundings

When kids toss their ice cream cups on the street or cover neighbors’ houses with toilet paper on Halloween, they haven’t learned the connection between respecting people and respecting their property. Start by teaching kids to be careful with their own and family members’ belongings. Then extend that by getting involved with kids in neighborhood cleanups, flower-planting, and recycling. If they accidentally harm another’s property, have them write a note and offer to help fix the problem.

Studying abroad is full of adventures – everything is different and exciting, including your new (homestay) family. All of a sudden, you share everything with new people whom you’ve never seen before. It will take time to adjust and there might be some bumps in the road – you know, the stuff that happens when people live together. To get the most out of your time with your temporary family, check out our 12 tips – who knows, you might even be able to use some of them with your permanent family.

1. Be open and communicate

You are allergic to peanuts, don’t like seafood, and have a fear of dogs of all sizes? Tell your host family about it right away. They should know the most important facts about you from your paperwork, but some things cannot be stressed enough – especially when it comes to health issues. Plus, it’s better to discuss culinary preferences or dietary restrictions before you sit at the table and everyone is staring at you poking around in your food. (However, to be fair and polite, make sure you try everything before you say that you don’t like it.)

2. Bring a gift

Gifts are awesome and a great icebreaker. You don’t have to spend a fortune, but a little souvenir from your home country will give you some major brownie points. Plus, it will help your hosts remember what an awesome temporary family member you were.

3. Attend the family meals

Food brings people together – it’s a great social lubricant across cultures. Try to be at home for the meals and help set the table or do the dishes. Food is a fantastic way to get to know people and sitting around a dinner table is like a fun way to pick up new words and practice your conversation skills. If you know how to cook, feel free to prepare something from your home country and take the cultural exchange to the next level.

4. Respect the schedule

Even though you paid for your stay, you’re still part of a family that is not yours – respect their schedules and curfews. If the meals are at 7 p.m., make sure you are on time. If you are not home for meals or activities, let your host family know ahead of time. If you missed your bus and will be home late, tell them. Even though they are not your parents, they still worry about you, so basically just pretend that your mom is watching.

5. Accept the differences

You will probably have to get used to different food, to new ways of folding laundry, and to house rules that are not the same as back home. Remember: different, new, and not the same don’t have to mean bad. Things are done in other ways around the world and as long as everything works, this is a good thing and part of the learning experience. Let’s face it: it’s kind of what you signed up for. Noticing and accepting cultural differences is part of expanding your horizons and becoming a more open-minded and mature person.

6. Mind your manners

You do not live in a hotel and your host mom is not your maid. Keep your room clean, don’t leave the dishes in the sink or the empty milk jug in the fridge. Help carrying the groceries from the car to the house. Don’t be a diva and use all of the hot water while blocking the shared bathroom from 7 a.m. to 9 a.m. Do not invite friends or visitors to a sleepover and only bring them to dinner if they were clearly invited. Do not sleep all day Sunday and complain that there’s no breakfast ready when you wake up. Long story short: Try to be on your best behavior and always say please and thank you.

7. Participate in activities

Of course you can and should spend time with your new friends from school, but why not spend some quality time with your host family as well? When you’re in a foreign country, going to the supermarket or watching your host sister’s soccer practice can be super exciting. Participating in everyday activities is a great bonding experience that lets you practice your language skills and helps you get to know a new culture. Plus, you didn’t travel halfway around the world to stay in your room and stare at your phone, did you? Who knows, maybe you even discover a new hobby or make new friends along the way.

8. Benefit from daily conversations

The key to learning a new language is to get over your fear of making mistakes – and your host family is a great place to practice your conversation skills. They talk like ”real people,” so you’ll hear a lot of idioms, phrases, and expression that you might not learn in a textbook. Spend time in the living room or the kitchen, and ask them for help with homework. Be honest if you don’t understand something they said and just try to talk as much as you can. (Maybe not while everyone’s watching their favorite show on TV, but you know, talk when it’s appropriate.)

9. Get to know your host family

Be interested in what your host family works, eats, or does for fun. Ask questions, be curious, and try to learn about and from them. It’s the best way to discover a different culture and practice your vocabulary. But: respect personal space and don’t force a relationship with your host family. Inquiring about their plans for the day while they’re in the shower is probably not the greatest idea – no matter how eager you are to improve your communication skills.

10. Remember that it’s all temporary

There’s a chance that your mom makes better meatloaf, and that you don’t want to eat potatoes five times a week. If you don’t like the radio station in the car or the shows everyone is watching on TV, take a deep breath and don’t complain. This is only your temporary family and they have their own way of doing things – even if this involves a questionable taste in music. After a few weeks or months, you can go back to your old life – and have loads of good stories and memories to share.

11. Be fair and honest when problems arise

Whenever people live together, there’s room for conflict – it’s not fun, but it happens and usually blows over. In case you do not get along with your host family or there’s a major issue that bothers you, try to talk to the family first. If that’s not possible, talk to the organization that arranged the host family. Make sure you provide constructive criticism, and don’t just complain about things that are different but not necessarily alarming. Be aware that it might take some time to get used to each other – not just for you but also for the host family.

12. Stay in touch

Friendships cannot be forced, but hopefully, you and your host family will get along – and stay connected even after you say goodbye. After all, you were part of each other’s lives for a while, and everyone who has seen you early in the morning on a bad hair day deserves a birthday card.

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Why is respect so important?

What is respect exactly?

Is it about whether or not your kids obey your every rule?

Maybe you think of how you were treated by an authority figure who cared more about his rules than your needs or feelings.

It’s likely been painfully obvious to you if you’ve experienced a lack of respect in your personal or professional life. Sometimes it’s easier to know when you’ve been disrespected than to capture what respect is.

What does it mean to respect someone?

To sort out the confusion, let’s consider a couple of scenarios.

Respect certainly relates to how you treat another person — but does it also matter how you feel toward him or her?

You have to wonder how respected you would feel if people obeyed your rules but never included you in anything that mattered to them.

Respect is not the same as either slavish obedience or simple politeness.

Having sincere respect for someone means you don’t say one thing to his or her face and another in secret. Nor does it require absolute acquiescence to a person (even an authority figure) who asks you to do something you believe to be illegal or morally wrong.

So what is it exactly?

Quick note: Meeting new people and improving the quality of your relationships is a skill that can be developed. To learn more, check out this course that can help you massively boost your confidence at work and home.

• What does it mean to respect someone?
• What does respect mean?
• What is respect?
  • What does disrespect feel like and how do people react?
  • Showing Respect to Others
  • Showing Respect for Yourself
  • Other Types of Respect

What does respect mean?

If you’re wondering, “What is respect in simple words?” then the dictionary is a good place to start. A quick internet search yields the following definition of respect that best suits the purpose of this article: “Due regard for the feelings, wishes, rights, or traditions of others.”

A respect definition for kids shows both aspects: 1) thinking and feeling good things about someone, and 2) treating them in a way that shows you admire them or that you care about their feelings and their well-being.

What is respect?

Dictionary definitions can only tell us so much because respect can mean something different to you than it does to your friend (or relative) of a different gender, age, personality, or cultural background.

What communicates a pleasing degree of mutual respect to one might communicate an insulting lack of due deference to another (such as one who expects higher regard or a more submissive attitude, given his or her age, rank, or authority).

Finding out exactly how someone else defines (or recognizes) respect requires engaging them in a conversation, so you can both communicate to each other — and better understand — what respect means to each of you.

Otherwise, we’re left with trial and error — which is a valid way to learn (as long as both parties are patient with each other). But it is more effective when coupled with open communication.

Some ideas of respect are, more or less, shared across the board.

If you sincerely respect an authority figure, you probably see them as someone who has a right to tell you what to do, coupled with the wisdom to know what to tell you to do, for the greater good.

But why is respect so important?

Your heart, as well as your actions, are involved when you respect or disrespect someone — just as both are involved when others respect you.

What does disrespect feel like and how do people react?

Disrespect is a lack of regard for someone else’s rights, feelings, dignity, wishes, or well-being.

Just as with respect, we show disrespect with our words and actions — or in refusing to speak or act out of due regard or deference for others.

How do you react when you feel disrespected by someone else?

Related:

Given that disrespect is a type of rejection, your reaction probably depends on how much you care about what that person thinks of you – or how much you care about the opinions of any witnesses.

People with positions of authority who are accustomed to being treated with deference and high regard can take umbrage when someone denies them what they believe they’ve earned or had a right to.

If someone treats them with less deference, with body language they consider disrespectful, or even with indifference, they perceive it as a “slap in the face.”

Whatever degree of respect you’ve come to expect of others (regardless of their status), you feel insulted or devalued when they deny you this respect.

• Disrespect feels like hatred or indifference (depending on the emotion or lack thereof behind it), and no one likes to be on the receiving end of either one.

• It feels personal. It strikes a blow at your sense of identity and personal value.

In other words, it hurts. And if you want to avoid needlessly inflicting pain on others, this is reason enough to care about respect and to learn how to show it.

What can you do when others show disrespect to you? Try these actions:

• Acknowledge the feeling of being disrespected but ask yourself if you misinterpreted the words or actions.

• If you know you were disrespected, then allow yourself time to calm down if you are angry or agitated.

• Once you are calmer, state clearly the words or actions that offended and how you felt about them.

• Articulate why the words or actions were disrespectful. This is especially important when talking with children.

• Ask specifically for what you’d like from the other person so you feel more respected in the future.

Showing Respect to Others

If you think back to how you showed respect to your parents, and then to your teachers and employers, you probably already have some idea about how to show respect to others.

You already have a strong sense of the importance of respect — not just to these authority figures but also to yourself and the people closest to you.

Here are a few basic guidelines on showing respect to your fellow humans.

10 Ways to Show Respect to Your Spouse

A marriage without respect will not thrive. But sometimes it’s hard to know how to show respect to your spouse.

Where respect falls in the hierarchy of needs and desires may differ somewhat between men and women, but it’s a vital need for both sexes. Not demonstrating respect to your spouse will kill any real intimacy between you. Without respect you cannot be – and feel – connected to each other.

As a wife, you may feel as though your husband should earn your respect before you offer it. But if the situation were reversed, would you want him to demand you earn his love before he offers it to you? Showing respect for him should be a gift you voluntarily offer whenever possible.

As a husband, you may not realize how much the degree to which you show respect to your wife causes her spirit to either shrivel and die – or thrive and grow. If you want your wife to be a queen and display her beauty to you, treating her with respect will go a long way toward allowing her to do just that.

So here are some practical ways in which you can show respect to your spouse.

Listen – really listen – to them.

Paying attention to and devoting real energy to understanding what your spouse is trying to communicate shows that you value what they have to say. Listening without interrupting or putting them down shows that their thoughts, ideas, opinions, and feelings are important to you.

Seek out their opinion.

Don’t wait for your spouse to always initiate conversation. Seek out ways and times when you can ask for their input on what you are working on, struggling with, or interested in. Doing so shows you think they have something of value to offer.

Celebrate their wins.

When your spouse accomplishes something that was a challenge, reaches a milestone, or takes an active step toward fulfilling a dream, celebrate with them. Make a big deal – in appropriate measure – over their win. Brag about their win to others, as appropriate. Be your spouse’s biggest cheerleader.

Ditch the criticism.

That doesn’t mean you sweep problems or issues under the rug. It does mean you don’t nag. Period. No condescending comments. Express the concerns you have clearly, privately, and with the purpose of solving a problem or offering support, not tearing down your spouse.

Guard their reputation.

There will be things your spouse does that you don’t like, or that hurt you. Don’t air their dirty laundry to your friends, on social media, or otherwise in public. If there are some serious issues about which you need advice or support, seek out a counselor, pastor, or older godly Christian to get input from – privately.

Speak well of them in public.

This is the converse of #5, and it’s one of the most powerful ways in which you can show respect. Speak well of your spouse in public, on social media, etc. And it’s great when your spouse can catch you doing this; it validates how much you respect him/her. And make your positive words real; no underhanded or qualified praise.

When you cause them pain, apologize.

You don’t want your spouse to dismiss your hurt feelings, so don’t make that mistake with them. Your spouse feels how they feel; acknowledge that. Even if the pain you caused them was unintentional or seems unreasonable to you, apologize and make it right as much as you are able.

Be your best self.

Take care of yourself in a way that your spouse can be proud of you. You’re not doing it because your spouse wants you to, but taking care of your health, your appearance, and your attitudes/behavior shows you care enough about your relationship to bring your best self to it.

Study your spouse.

You study things that really matter to you. Studying your spouse – becoming increasingly aware of their moods, fears, strengths, love language, etc. – shows that they are the most important thing in the world to you. You’re paying attention; that demonstrates respect.

“If it’s important to you, it’s important to me.”

If your spouse cares about something, you must care about it too. You may not feel the same as your spouse does about sports, fashion, or what a particular person says or does, but you can care about it because you care about your spouse and the impact that issue, person, or situation has on them.

Few things demonstrate disrespect more than making your spouse an afterthought in your life. Taking the time and energy to learn how to show your spouse respect will pay big dividends. Respect will strengthen and fuel your marriage in powerful ways.

Does your spouse know that you respect him/her – by what you say and do? If you’re not sure, ask. And then invest the time and energy in learning how to demonstrate respect to them in the ways that will mean the most to them.

Your Turn: How well are you demonstrating respect to your spouse? Is there a way you could do that better? Leave a comment below.

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Err on the side of over-communicating.

R egular communication with your clients is important year-round, but perhaps even more so during the holidays. The holiday season is a time of year especially centered on families, and the loved ones of those you care for may worry more than usual. They may feel that their loved one’s care is out of their control, and they may worry their loved one is lonely and not enjoying the holidays. Increase your communications and help family members know that you are doing your job as promised and giving their loved one the care they need, physically and emotionally.

According to the University of Washington Medical Center, here are several things you need to keep in mind when communicating with a client’s family:

A Relationship of Trust

Families will be more at ease with you and your home care business if you work to build a relationship with them. One important part of building a relationship is to assign an employee to be the regular point of contact for your company, so the family talks to the same person each time. Clients like having the stability of one caregiver where possible. Having multiple caregivers can often create confusion and is one of the top complaints from home care clients in the thousands of surveys calls we make every month.

Once a point of contact has been assigned, have that employee work to get to know the client’s family. Each time family members are contacted, make sure your employee takes the time to understand concerns, feelings, occupations, family situation, etc. Address family members by name and get to know the family dynamics. Make your contact personal, friendly and genuine. Families need to know that you are there to help them too.

In addition to appointing an employee to keep in regular contact, you may want to develop a “just ask” policy, so family members know they are welcome to contact you at any time to inquire about their loved one’s care. Let family members know that you are happy to discuss their concerns or give them an update whenever they call.

At Home Care Pulse, we offer client and caregiver surveys that specifically track communication. Learn whether there are any gaps in your communication with clients, and find out exactly what you can do to fix it.

Information

Through regular communication, work to keep family members informed about their loved one’s care and condition. Make a plan with family members ahead of time. How often do they want to hear from you regarding their loved one’s care? Try, if at all possible, to accommodate their wishes.

Prepare ahead of time before contacting long-distance family members. Know their loved one’s situation and latest updates. Talk to caregivers to get a good overview of the client’s health and care. Give family members the details and be honest. Don’t try to sugarcoat difficulties, but always be mindful of how stressful it is to be far away and feel helpless. Make sure you have a plan for solving any problems or improving conditions, if necessary. Show family members that you are mindful of the situation, and you are willing to take any actions necessary to ensure the comfort and well-being of your client.

As you inform family members of the care you are providing and the condition of their loved one, be careful to use terminology that everyone can understand. Stressful situations are only made worse by confusing and complicated jargon. Explain things simply, so family members know exactly what you are talking about and know there is no reason to be concerned.

Comfort & Well-Being

Families are most concerned about their loved one’s comfort and well-being. Those who live far away are sometimes the most concerned because they can’t be there in person to reassure and care for their loved one. They are relying on you, and your word, that you’re doing all they’ve hired you to do. Make sure they know that their loved one’s care is your top priority, too.

Every time you speak with a client’s family members, address their loved one’s condition, comfort, and care. Reassure family members that you are going the extra mile to keep their loved one happy and healthy.

Respect & Understanding

Always respect a client’s family members and their wishes. Never judge their circumstances or jump to conclusions about their situation. If they sense that you think they are failing their loved one or not doing the right thing, they will lose trust in you and your services. No matter how you feel about the situation, keep an open, understanding mind as you communicate with them about the services you are providing. There might be something going on behind the scenes that you are unaware of and judging the situation will not add to it.

Be aware and respectful of each family’s culture and religion. Their heritage or beliefs may affect the way they communicate and the way they expect their loved one to be cared for. For example, in some cultures, important decisions are only made by parents or by the oldest child. This knowledge may help you to know which family member to communicate with or why a certain family member is the one making all the decisions.

Showing respect is especially important when it comes to holidays and traditions. Learn about your client’s family traditions surrounding the holidays. How do they celebrate in their culture or religion? Honor their traditions and work to help the entire family continue their traditions. This may mean training caregivers about the family’s heritage or religion and encouraging caregivers to help clients keep in touch with family members as they celebrate the holidays. Your clients and their families will appreciate your efforts.

At the end of the day, simply remember that having family in the care of other is difficult all around. Placing yourself in the family members shoes and using the golden rule: “treat others how you’d wish to be treated,” will make all the difference.

Keeping an open, honest line of communication will benefit everyone. Your clients’ family members will be grateful for your efforts to get to know them and to keep them informed. They will grow to trust and rely on your expertise and care for their loved one.

Manners expert Peggy Post says givers should be specific and receivers respectful

by Austin O’Connor, AARP | Comments: 0

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When it comes to inheritance, the guidelines of propriety are far from clear. “It’s about being respectful,” says Peggy Post.

En español | Rules of etiquette govern life events from the monumental to the mundane. But when it comes to inheritance — whether you’re passing items down to family members and loved ones or you’re on the receiving end — the guidelines of propriety are far from clear. How do you divvy up prized possessions between children?

How do you tactfully tell a parent that you’d like to inherit some cherished piece, or (gasp!) that you’re not interested in a certain item that may be headed your way?

Is it even possible?

“It’s about being respectful,” says Peggy Post, director of the Emily Post Institute, the Vermont-based business now diversified from books and columns to outreach and online. “The underpinnings of etiquette are respect, consideration and honesty, and those benchmarks all apply.”

Post, 67, is great-granddaughter-in-law of etiquette queen Emily Post and the author of more than a dozen books on the topic. She talked to us about navigating the tricky waters of inheritance appropriately.

Q: There are generally accepted rules of etiquette around weddings, workplaces, even dinner parties. Why are we mostly flying blind when it comes to inheritance?

A: People are hesitant to talk about death and dying, about how to handle condolences and all the different happenings around those end-of-life rituals. Inheritance probably gets lumped into that. But there’s more and more interest in elder etiquette now.

More on Wills and Estate Planning

• 10 things you should know about living trusts
• 10 things you should know about writing a will
• A to-do list for estate planning
• How to leave a fair will to your children

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Q: The latest version of Emily Post’s Etiquette includes a brand new chapter on elder etiquette. What does that entail?

A: Things like how to talk to parents about handling money, driving, living on their own as they get older. These are delicate issues. And things parents can do to prepare others — talking to children about how siblings should handle their caregiving. How do you do that to make it fair among family members? These are all very awkward topics.

Q: And inheritance falls into that category?

A: There’s not a good blueprint for handling inheritance. Talking to people who deal in estate planning can give you pointers, professional and legal advice. But it does get tricky because family members forget to communicate. I think that’s the big problem.

Q: You’ve said how awkward this issue can be. What’s the best way to start the conversation?

A: Every situation is different. Do some one-on-one talks first, perhaps among siblings, or the parents with each child. But it’s also good to get everyone together whenever possible, to make sure everything’s out on the table and everyone is on the same wavelength. Even if families don’t live close to each other, you can do a video (phone) call on FaceTime or Skype, or at the very least do a conference phone call. It’s really good to talk individually and as a group.

Q: For people who are starting to think about handing things down, is age or birth order important? Should the oldest child or grandchild have first choice, or be given the most valuable items?

A: No. That wouldn’t be fair to everyone else. Now if everyone agrees to let the oldest one go first, then that’s fine. But most professionals will advise to do some type of a draw. Let’s say there are four siblings, they could draw names or numbers out of a hat. So the oldest might very well choose fourth.

Q: Is it OK to decline an item you’ve received if you know you won’t use it?

A: If the person has already died, you can certainly inform others in the family that it’s not something you would use and you’re not interested. It’s tricky when the person is still alive and wants to give you something. The answer depends upon the relationship and whether it would hurt the person’s feelings.

A: It can be a factor, as long as everyone agrees. The scale might be tipped toward one person. That works as long as the others aren’t resentful.

Q: What if you’ve been given something you won’t use? Can you give it to someone else? Sell it?

A: If it’s a really special family heirloom and other family members would be crushed to have that sold, then I wouldn’t do that. If it’s just something that you know you can’t use but someone else would really like to have it — if you’re not going to upset everyone else — then you can give it to that person. Some people do sell items, and that’s fine if it’s not going to be upsetting to the family.

Q: If you have your eye on a certain item, is it rude to ask for it?

A: Generally, you don’t ask. If you’re really close you may say to a parent, for example, “If nobody else wants it, or you really don’t know what you want to do with that great desk, then I’d love to have it.” But again, only if it’s not going to seem that you’re being selfish or inconsiderate of other family members.

Q: When dividing up items, how do you balance monetary versus sentimental value?

A: It is really important to try to balance out the monetary value. You want to make it fair. Get a professional appraisal of jewelry, rare books, paintings or other valuable items before you decide how to divide them. Sentimental value is a little bit harder to gauge, but I think you can even it out. Everybody has their favorite sentimental things. Maybe there’s enough to go around for every person, or maybe you have a drawing for them.

Q: So for the giver, being specific about your wishes can help avoid discord among family members.

A: Leaving specific directions is a really forward-thinking thing to do, and it’s great when it works out like that. Not everybody plans ahead or wants to think about that. But the fewer question marks at the end, the better for everybody.

Austin O’Connor writes on lifestyle and entertainment topics for AARP Media.

Tips for Handling the Dreaded Money Talk

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The discussion over the money needed for a wedding is never easy. Asking your parents for financial help of any kind is often packed with all kinds of uncomfortable connotations like responsibility, independence, obligation, power, class, and privilege. When you add something as emotionally charged as a wedding to the money conversation, it can be a tinderbox. Factor in stepparents, cultural differences, and economic instability, and it can seem impossible.

Avoiding the wedding money talk won’t magically make everything okay. In fact, one of your first planning tasks is to figure out your budget, which includes how you’re going to pay for everything. Since each family dynamic is different, there’s no one-size-fits-all approach to having the money talk. When you need to ask your parents for wedding money, there are six general ways you can approach it.

Ask Them Indirectly

Most parents love being asked for advice, and it might surprise you how much of that advice is invaluable, even when it’s not quite what you want to hear. After you’ve created your wedding budget, ask your parents to review it with you. Share with them what you’ve found regarding average costs in your area, the choices you’ll make to save money, and how you plan to pay for everything.

This conversation creates a natural and easy way for your parents to say, “We were planning to contribute.” If they don’t speak up, you can assume that they are unable to. This is also a good way to get everyone speaking the same language, so they’ll understand why they can’t invite 50 people to your small and intimate ceremony.

Ask Them to Cover a Specific Wedding Cost

Since even the most tightly-controlled wedding budgets have a way of growing, parents might feel uncomfortable with agreeing to pay for “half of the wedding” or another non-specific commitment. Instead, you can ask them to pay for one discrete portion, such as your dress, the flowers, or the rehearsal dinner.

You might ask them for something they have a particular connection to. For example, you might say, “Do you want to help us pay for the wedding? We thought you might be particularly interested in helping us with the flowers since you know so much about flower arranging.” That then gives them an area that they can feel ownership in, rather than just becoming an ATM.

Or, you might say, “We’ve found a reception venue that is absolutely perfect for what we want. Unfortunately, it’s more than we had budgeted. We wondered if there’s any possibility that you could help us with the difference.”

Ask Them to Pay for the Entire Wedding

In some families, it’s taken for granted that the bride’s family will pay for the majority of costs. Your parents might even have a separate bank account where they saved for this big day. However, don’t be the spoiled brat who just assumes this to be true—it’s not only obnoxious, it also often leads to disappointment.

The better approach is to be direct and to the point: “Will you be able to pay for our wedding?” If your parents say yes, they were planning to pay for it, it’s appropriate to ask what size budget they had in mind. If they say no, tame your inner brat and don’t get upset. It’s a gift, not an obligation.

Ask Them to Split the Cost

When you have divorced parents, step-parents, and other kinds of blended families, money woes can add to already existing tensions. To make things fair, you might say to each parent, “We’re asking each of our parents to contribute 1/5th of the wedding budget. Is that something that you will be able to give us?”

Ask How They’d like to Participate in the Wedding

This is perhaps the most natural way to do it. Simply ask, “How do you want to be a part of wedding planning?” If they don’t bring up money, you can add, “Would you be able to contribute financially?” This also helps avoid hurt feelings by making sure your parents are present for the parts of planning that matter to them most.

Ask Them to Pay for Their Guests

It’s no secret that each wedding guest adds costs to the wedding, and parents often want to invite more people than their children want them to. You might say to your parents, “We’re starting our guest list, and we wanted to see who you’d want us to invite. There’s room for each set of parents to invite up to 30 people; however, we would ask you to cover the costs for those guests. Right now, our catering estimate is $80 per person.” You will have to determine if you’re asking them to cover costs for family members, or if it’s limited to friends and business associates.

Every Situation Is Different

Each of these approaches come with pros and cons, and a certain relinquishing of control. Some parents will respond well to the direct approach, while others will hate it. Some will resent being asked to pay for their guests, while others will see that as an extremely fair option. You should choose the one that’s best for your family and situation. No matter which tactic you choose, be polite and respectful, while still being clear and setting boundaries.